Is there such thing as love in a D/S relationship...?

[MasterKazugami]

Me and a friend had an argument this morning, she believes that there is no such thing as love in a D/S or BDSM relationship.
I'd put the discussion here but it may offend some people with what my friend said.
Though these are her words that theres never any love in the lifestyle we enjoy, when we have kids in a lifestyle that involves BDSM or D/S that kid would grow up messed up and that a D/S relationship is about abuse and control.

My personal opinion is that there can be love in a D/S relationship, I know a 100% from having past slaves that there is. I got two ex slaves that would do anything to still be with me, they even admit they love me and would move from America just to be with me. Now as for the kids part, I haven't got kids myself but I feel if the parent does a good job raising their kids. That their kids could be understanding and non judgemental on these things. One major thing though to me is though that BDSM ain't about control or abuse, I personally believe its about trust.

The reason I'm making this thread is to ask whats everyones personal opinion on this?

[Kitten]

D: I'm shocked!

I love my Master to pieces!
Besides, trust and love are so close together.
And how could you possibly dedicate yourself to someone you don't trust?
I might be full of myself but I deem myself too good to obey someone I don't love.

If you ask me, there is definately love.
She's been watching too much hentai.

Edit; How can 10 people view this thread without posting their opinion on it D:

[0siris99]

Well, I am really sorry for you dude honestly I really am. But you do have to realize it would be really confusing to raise kids in that type of enviornment. But as far as love goes, well hell no there can be love everywhere. If she is completly sub then she does things for you because she loves to please you she can love you, and you can still show you love her as a master yourself. I have done it in many occasions. But as for raising children you can still have it but it will have to be a secret from them. They will go on unjudging until they have turned into teenagers however,you can still keep the lifestyle going but it turns more into the "late night" type of thing. But I hope everything works out as well for you I give you the best of wishes.

[MasterKazugami]

D: I'm shocked!

I love my Master to pieces!
Besides, trust and love are so close together.
And how could you possibly dedicate yourself to someone you don't trust?
I might be full of myself but I deem myself too good to obey someone I don't love.

If you ask me, there is definately love.
She's been watching too much hentai.

Edit; How can 10 people view this thread without posting their opinion on it D:

That and she started off with an abusive master at a extremely young age...

Well, I am really sorry for you dude honestly I really am. But you do have to realize it would be really confusing to raise kids in that type of enviornment. But as far as love goes, well hell no there can be love everywhere. If she is completly sub then she does things for you because she loves to please you she can love you, and you can still show you love her as a master yourself. I have done it in many occasions. But as for raising children you can still have it but it will have to be a secret from them. They will go on unjudging until they have turned into teenagers however,you can still keep the lifestyle going but it turns more into the "late night" type of thing. But I hope everything works out as well for you I give you the best of wishes.

I respect your opinion, though I feel you can.
I've met a few people who have kids but are also in this sort of relationship.
I also know another who is pregnant right now with her master, its all how you raise the kid really cause unlike adults, kids are able to grow up and be taught how to accept things.

[lydiab6]

Ive been traveling for over 15 hours and am dealing with time zone changes and culture shock, so I will put my input in on the love thing later, but I just have to say that in terms of kids I'm going to post one question:

Why do your kids need to know about your sex life?

Yes, in Ds there is also the power exchange dynamic, but to kids that will just be how mommy and daddy run the house.

*Ill edit this tomorrow when Im more coherent"

[Masters kitten]

do not worry master, i know there is love and trust already in our relationship otherwise i wouldnt still be here. All that matters is that we know there is love...no one elses opinion matters but our own. i thank the goddess that i found you, youre the best and kindest master Ive ever had....
and as for kids, i think that as long as they dont witness anything sexual then they will just assume that they have a normal house hold in which their daddy is the boss...

[His_Einna]

I genuinely don't understand where she's coming from. Seriously; how can a person *have* a D/s relationship without turst, love and complete honesty? It just doesn't work otherwise. She obviously doesn't have the first idea about what D/s even is :-/

[tempered_sugar]

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees stupid to even ask lol

[jack]

I believe it is possibleto achieve love in a D/s relationship. Affection can be felt for anything, I know it's not the same but if we are unable to have love, especially in D/s relationships

[Calypso19]

First off, love is in the air and the air is everywhere.

Secondly, I would never let my kids in on any sort of D/s relationship my wife and I had, I wouldn't for a second want them to misinterpret the situation and believe that males were superior to females. When it comes to kids I believe that D/s relationships should be kept strictly to the bedroom and when the two of you are alone, otherwise it could effect a kids psyche.

[MasterKazugami]

Oh I thought I'd mention, I do believe you can have kids in a D/S relationship. Though I believe that anything sexual should be kept out of sight, any normal household rules such as the slave cleaning ((without anything sexual in it)) or other things then looks normal.

[sum1]

Such a stupid question that whenever i see this thread has come up i want to should 'of course if fucking is'

Excuse the language.

However, i see that many people have already done just that.

So maybe a better question would be better reversed. 'Is it possible to sustain a D/s relationship without love?'

To which the answer should be no no no no nono nono no no no no no.

Cause if you're in a relationhip where you're getting beat and your getting told to do stuff and other D/s thigns, i'd say that perhaps it's not a D/s relationship at all, but rather an abusive one.

[Chloe]

I have debated whether I wanted to reply to this thread... I'm reading this with a huge grin on my face right now...

The question is not even if there's such a thing as love in a D/s relationship or not or if a relationship can sustain without love... Seriously, is there a one-fit-all way of doing things that I don't know of yet? Please, if there is, let me know...

I'm not gonna be so obnoxious and full of myself as to dare call the question stupid. The only stupid questions are the ones that are not asked.

As far as I know, one good way to make a relationship work is that both partners get what they need out of it. Whatever that is. I know some couples who are very loving and happy. I know some who love themselves and are miserable still (yeah, surprised uh?) And there are people who are very happy with getting anything else out of it. Even if it's just sex. Oh and not all these couples are into an abusive relationship or getting beat and told to do things or whatever... A lot of people can be in a respectful and harmonious relationship without it being a "loving" one.

Seriously... there's no way that is more "right" to have a healthy D/s relationship and that includes emotions. As far as both persons get what they need out of it I don't think anyone as any business judging. What is unconceivable for one can be all natural for another.


Oh and to answer the OP: yes, of course, it's possible :)

[tempered_sugar]

I don't think anyone was judging anyone. I don't think anything can be classed as a relationship if there are not emotions envolved either. Friendships have emotions envolved even if it's not love. Yes you can have a D/s relationship without love but if either person does't care about the other in any way then it's not a relationship in my opinion. If there are no emotions of any kind, not even friendship or respect you might as well take orders from a machine.

I also think it's pretty rude to laugh at others views, but that is just my opinion.

[Komodo Jones]

I'm not reading the other posts so if I repeat something somebody already said sorry. My personal experience, even though I've only been a master for 2 and a half months now is that there has to be love in a d/s or m/s relationship. The key word in that phrase is relationship. If there's no love and the master is solely about pain and control, I would not expect that relationship to last a long time. Sure I have given my slave some painful commands, and sometimes very rarely control her, she can second me on that. But I love her and I try to make sure that I tell her that every day. Our relationship may have command in it but trust and love is mainly what our relationship is based off of. The only reason she goes with some of my commands that can be painful is because she loves me and she wants to please me. In the same case, just this past Monday we did a role reversal where she was the mistress and I was the slave, and she really worked me over. She gave me some really painful commands but I endured them because I love her and I wanted to please her.
On the side of dominants, we need to care for our subs as well. I am very lenient with my sub, which is not to say I'm soft, as I respect her limits, make the commands a whole lot easier than they could be and respect some of her requests. A sub needs to feel safe, secure, tusted, and loved by their dominant and if they don't have that feeling, well I think it may be some fault on the dominants part. A common misconception of a d/s relationship is that there is no love whatsoever, but that's not true and people need to realize that.

[PaddleFan]

I think the person who claimed there is't love in a D/s relationship was confusing a D/s relationship with an abusive relationship. Obviously, to us anyway, there are important differneces. Consent, for example.

And I agree with what other people posted here, why would the kids know about your sex life? I suppose raising kids in a house where there's 24/7 D/s dynamic in effect would be weird. Probably not altogether healthy. But in most relationships (that I know of) where the master & slave stuff is kept in the bedroom, no one else (especially kids) needs to know about it.

[Fiendish]

I think the person who claimed there is't love in a D/s relationship was confusing a D/s relationship with an abusive relationship. Obviously, to us anyway, there are important differneces. Consent, for example.

And I agree with what other people posted here, why would the kids know about your sex life? I suppose raising kids in a house where there's 24/7 D/s dynamic in effect would be weird. Probably not altogether healthy. But in most relationships (that I know of) where the master & slave stuff is kept in the bedroom, no one else (especially kids) needs to know about it.

Nailed it right there.

I think there has to be love involved in a sustainable D/s or M/s kind of relationship. Now, does it have to be the kind of love that leads to marriage? Not necessarily. But there is love there. Because trust is necessary. Trust is a form of love IMO, and I don't know anyone that would submit to someone they didn't trust.

[masterlaw]

goood question and i agree with most people here, i would say it all depends on how the realtionship started. If it started as a M/S secnario then it defenite can lead to love and i have know some couples who are deeply in love and practice M/S alot.

I think its love of what you do, speaking as amaster i love controlling orgasm's the pleasure of my slave, punishing if need be. If you don`t love it and i would say RESPECT your slave then you are in trouble and this is when trouble starts.

The longest slave i had was 6 months and it was a realtionshop before hand, and i did love her in the normal way. Due to a love triangle developing we had to split and i don`t regret the time we spent and think back of the fun we had with a big smile on my face.

[icthius]

I love my wife very deeply. The D/s shit is fun, it's sexy and it bolsters us both emotionally. A better question would be "What about a D/s relationship makes you think there can't be love?"

[RotheDusstaJabbuk]

All relationships have some love tied to them. Even a friendly relationship. I used to love my best friend to pieces, ( until she turned her back on me because i was living my life the way I wanted to ).
To me a D/s relationship is all about love and trust.

Trust: you trust them enough to not hurt you and stop when you say the safeword.

Love: It happens when you're being that intimate with another person.They find out about all the places that give you pleasure.

I love my Master and would do anything to be by his side and serving him. <3

[SlutPuppy]

I think there is. I'm in a S/m / D/s whatever you want to call it, relationship, and i'm very much in love with him. And I believe he returns the feelings... I fell in love with him long before I even thought about him becoming my master, or anything like that at all. And before I fell in love with him, I was very good friends with him...

So, uh, yeah. I think there can be love. Even if you don't date or anything like that before you get into the relationship. If they talk a lot, and share a lot of experiences, I'm very sure they can fall in love, and be S/m at the same time.

[Lokelake]

I think there is love/should be love in an d/s relationship. I think it is good to become friends with your "partner." Becoming friends will make your relationship a lot more fun and enjoyable, because who doesn't like to do stuff with their friends?

[MissKubo]

I believe a D/S relationship can ONLY work if the people involved love each other. I would not trust my husband with half the stuff we do together otherwise.

We're friends with a couple who shared the same sort of kinks as us. They were very much in love, he was very gentle with her and she trusted him completely and would let him do anything without struggle. She was a natural submissive, but one day she left him a letter ending their relationship. He, understandably, was heartbroken. He's a lovely guy so we kept in touch and he didn't hear anything from her for over a year.

A couple of months ago, she got back in touch with him. To pay off some debts, she'd taken a job as a professional submissive. Without the relationship that she'd had with her boyfriend, it had turned out to be much, much harder than she had imagined, and it's put her off the whole thing.

Fortunately, their seeing each other again, although they're taking it slowly. He's convinced her to get some counselling so we realy hope they'll be okay, but this strengthens my belief that any relationship needs to be about love and friendship. A healthy sex life that satisfies both partner's kinks is a lovely bonus, but on it's own is not strong enough to sustain a relationship and can easily lead to someone getting hurt far beyond the sting of a whip and some clothespins

[Cassieoorah]

I do think that there is such a thing as love in a 24/7 D/s relationship, I grew up in a home with parents who were quite obviously in a D/s relationship and it was one of the most loving and caring environments that I could have asked for. My father is a bit of a micro-manger and is more than a little overbearing, but from what I hear, most dads are. My mother is the essence of femininity and I used to love to just watch her, every movement was so graceful. They never did anything blatantly sexual in front of us children, but they exchanged gentle touches, glances and when she says "Yes my Love." I can hear her really saying "Yes my Master", now that I've grown and have an understanding of their relationship. Only when I was old enough to deal with it, i.e, 17 on the cusp of 18, they told me and I nodded and said "I know...and?". It wasn't confusing in the least, we always knew that our parents loved each other and us, and our father was a great disciplinarian and provider. We're an open family, but not in a creepy way, and it works for us. I think that if you handle it well and protect your children you can have a happy medium. ;)

[carom]

Though these are her words that theres never any love in the lifestyle we enjoy, when we have kids in a lifestyle that involves BDSM or D/S that kid would grow up messed up and that a D/S relationship is about abuse and control.

I have the feeling your friend is having the problem that she cant escape the prejudices about D/s. While active in it she misses the point totally. She also may sees herself as abnormal or bad, just not able to control her needs enough to not do it.

A D/s relationship is as healthy and loving or as unhealthy and unloving as any other one. It is first of a relationship between people that want the same things. Some with love some without.
It is nothing special, not better or worse than any other form of relationship between people.
And where she is totally wrong is abuse. Abuse is a bad thing for any relationship. And to believe D/s is about abuse is totally off the point. It is about sharing and trust, as others said.

To the children part. There are people that should never have children and to whom i would never give a child.
But i don't see a connection with D/s there. As long as people are loving an good to the children and each other, i don't see any problems.

[Riley Taylor]

It's silly to say there can't be love in a D/S relationship. When both people understand and care about the feelings of the other, then however they choose to express that love, as long as it's safe, sane, consensual, and both people are adults, I say pretty much anything goes.

It's also silly to ignore that there are unfortunately some people who enter into BDSM because they either want to be bullies (and therefore proclaim themselves "dominant" when in reality they're just too insecure for a relationship with someone who doesn't follow their every whim) or because they have very low self-esteem and want to be told everything they should do so they don't have to believe in their own capacity to make choices.

There is a difference between a dom and a bully, and between a sub and a doormat. A dom respects the sub and a sub expects to be respected, on a fundamental level, even during activities that may make it appear otherwise to an outside observer (such as some humiliation play).

At the same time, I can see how someone who has seen an abusive relationship but not seen a healthy d/s relationship could be concerned. After all, imagine you didn't know anything about BDSM and you heard a coworker say, "Yeah, after work I'm going to tie my wife up, whip her, and call her a whore. Then if she's really lucky, I'll let her give me oral." It would sound awful. But if she's into bondage, S&M, and being told what to do, then as long as the dom respects her limits and is careful to make sure the whole time that she's alright, they should go for it if they want.

And when you take the lack of context and the occasional people you run into who need help, but, rather than getting it, disguise their tendencies toward bullying as BDSM, and add on some of the more extreme stories you see online:

"My wife tricked into putting on a chastity cage for 27 years. I literally have to roll my blue balls around on a cart while I serve tea in a maid outfit to her and our daughter and all their friends and the President. I'm loving every minute of it." I find it very unlikely that anyone actually wants this, or would enjoy it as much as he thinks if he had it.

But is it really hard to believe someone whose most secret fantasy is "I'd like to have sex with [insert celebrity name here]," a fantasy which he or she would probably (if single, anyway) indulge if given the chance, would think everyone wants to live out all of his or her sexual fantasies, and that there's something wrong here?

It seems to me that, while yes, it is offensive that someone would say people in a d/s relationship don't love each other, it's also understandable given the bad examples, lack of context, and misinformation they're fed so frequently.

Sorry. Kind of started babbling there for a minute.

[MissKubo]

Some good news - that couple I mentioned? They got engaged over Christmas, but we only just found out about it. Don't know if she's letting him tie her to the bed again yet, maybe that'll be his wedding night treat ;)

[newtotry]

There has to be some emotion and at least some basic caring going on. I feel an extremely deep affection for my slaves. When they have a great day I want to hear about it and I want them to succeed. Is it love? Perhaps a mild form but the point is that there are positive emotions between two people. There has to be some form of caring for the M/s relationship to exist.