I must ask you to bear with me, because I am not only new to this forum I am completely new to the honest and open discussion of my own and other people’s kinks. I have grown up in the SF Bay Area so I’m not totally unfamiliar, but obviously the ambient level of kinky appreciation around me and my own real, specific needs are very different things to deal with.
I have been in a serious and committed relationship for just over 5 years now. We have talked about marriage and the whole bit. He is my first and only real boyfriend though, and the only guy I have slept with more than once. He knows I like it rough, having my hair pulled, slapped on the ass, and so forth. He will indulge me in this sometimes but he has no real desire to experiment with anything the least bit unusual. Seriously, in the last year we’ve had sex in the kitchen once and on the couch a couple times, and that’s the most adventurous thing I could mention.
I feel like I am in a sort of sexual crisis. I crave male dominance and I don’t know how to express it. I have only entertained fantasies about this sort of thing until now, while I am, for all practical purposes, in the more responsible, breadwinning, bill paying role in our relationship. I make decisions for both of us and have much more control over what we do as a couple than I frankly want. I have only recently realized how much it bothers me that when I give him the choice in almost any matter that he defers it back to me. Somehow the desire to be controlled, restrained, slapped a bit, dare I say even owned by a man has crept slowly out of my fantasies and into my constant, waking consciousness. I have violently sexual dreams about it, with increasing frequency. It kills me to say this, but I have even dropped hints to him that I would like to try some different things, expressed my excitement at seeing the odd bondage photo, and I am starting to wonder if he is really oblivious or if he’s just trying to ignore it till it goes away.
He loves me, I know, but I don’t know how to approach this. I feel like if I am too direct, which I can sometimes be, he will feel accused, and like I’m saying he’s inadequate. I get more frustrated with it by the day, because I know that even if I do get him to play around with it he will only be doing it for me and getting nothing out of it himself. That alone sort of takes the edge off it for me. I just don’t know what to do. Is this how people realize that they just aren’t sexually compatible? Does it always take five years? I feel terribly guilty because I had these feelings when I met him, I just didn’t know how to even articulate them then. I loved him so much it didn’t matter. But now, I feel like every day is this battle between what I desperately want to share with him and what I know he wants to hear.
TL;DR: What do I do if I want my boyfriend to be more dominant, but I’m not sure he wants to at all?
Even if nobody answers this, thank you for the forum to post it. Even typing this is somewhat cathartic.
I have been in a serious and committed relationship for just over 5 years now. We have talked about marriage and the whole bit. He is my first and only real boyfriend though, and the only guy I have slept with more than once. He knows I like it rough, having my hair pulled, slapped on the ass, and so forth. He will indulge me in this sometimes but he has no real desire to experiment with anything the least bit unusual. Seriously, in the last year we’ve had sex in the kitchen once and on the couch a couple times, and that’s the most adventurous thing I could mention.
I feel like I am in a sort of sexual crisis. I crave male dominance and I don’t know how to express it. I have only entertained fantasies about this sort of thing until now, while I am, for all practical purposes, in the more responsible, breadwinning, bill paying role in our relationship. I make decisions for both of us and have much more control over what we do as a couple than I frankly want. I have only recently realized how much it bothers me that when I give him the choice in almost any matter that he defers it back to me. Somehow the desire to be controlled, restrained, slapped a bit, dare I say even owned by a man has crept slowly out of my fantasies and into my constant, waking consciousness. I have violently sexual dreams about it, with increasing frequency. It kills me to say this, but I have even dropped hints to him that I would like to try some different things, expressed my excitement at seeing the odd bondage photo, and I am starting to wonder if he is really oblivious or if he’s just trying to ignore it till it goes away.
He loves me, I know, but I don’t know how to approach this. I feel like if I am too direct, which I can sometimes be, he will feel accused, and like I’m saying he’s inadequate. I get more frustrated with it by the day, because I know that even if I do get him to play around with it he will only be doing it for me and getting nothing out of it himself. That alone sort of takes the edge off it for me. I just don’t know what to do. Is this how people realize that they just aren’t sexually compatible? Does it always take five years? I feel terribly guilty because I had these feelings when I met him, I just didn’t know how to even articulate them then. I loved him so much it didn’t matter. But now, I feel like every day is this battle between what I desperately want to share with him and what I know he wants to hear.
TL;DR: What do I do if I want my boyfriend to be more dominant, but I’m not sure he wants to at all?
Even if nobody answers this, thank you for the forum to post it. Even typing this is somewhat cathartic.