Switch with a sub who's not a sub

MissSwitch

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Nov 13, 2015
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Hoping this is the right place, but I was wondering if anyone else had come across or had a similar 'problem'.

Both myself and my other half play, I always thought I was a sub but in recent years have realised that I'm more of a switch. Now my other half has always said that he is a sub, and won't accept that he might be anything else. He's said he wants me to be his Mistress and I want to be too.

However, what I'm finding is that I don't think he is a sub. I know he hasn't had much experience so there is may be a bit of that involved so I don't want to push him too much and scare him.

Now whenever we have talked, discussed or played, he seems to be happy for me to be his Mistress but I've noticed that it is only with things he is interested in, anything else he doesn't want to know, and most of the time it's things where I do things to him. (I think if he could just lie there he would!!!)

However the other night when we were playing he starts saying things like he's the boss, I'm to do as he says, even to the point of saying he's my Master!!! But again, it is mainly him telling/ordering me to do things to him. We have talked in the past and when we first got together I did say that I had a submissive side but subsequently have told him I'm more of a switch.

He's said he'd like to try certain things and he's got the equipment to do it, so as we went away for a weekend as a surprise I took the equipment with me but he didn't want to, so we didn't.

But then if I ask him if he's more a switch, he'll reply no he's a sub.

So anyone had any dealings, advice etc for someone who is trying to be a Domme to someone who is adamant that they are a sub but seems to be anything but a sub?

Thanks in advance.
 

Doctor Pervert

Retired
  • Straight
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  • Private
May 19, 2013
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Wow, ok so I'm a little surprised no one has jumped in on this one!
Its quite a topic and raises some very fundamental questions about what being submissive is really about.
I think your observations are interesting especially the "telling you what to do" when he is supposed to be in the sub role. This isn't uncommon though, I very rarely play with switch subs for that very reason. The bossy sub who knows what they want can be problematic especially if the play isn't what you want. Sometimes this manifests itself in more subtle ways with straight subs who you might find simply don't get into a particular play scene, whereas what you seem to be describing is more the "Do this, or Use this" type demands.
It may simply be his way of pushing you in your Domme role to be more assertive, I have known "bratty" subs that will sometimes play up like that just to make me get rougher or tougher on them. As long as you are using safe words you could try something really bold like a swat with a riding crop and commands like "lay still and take it!" to force the play into your chosen direction.
The main trouble with that approach is if it is taking you out of your comfort zone and making you into something you aren't.

I would be curious to hear from other switches on this, being a straight Dom I always find it difficult to imagine how anyone does "switch". What kind of mindset or "tricks" do you use to make sure you stick in role during play?
 

gabe

Kinky Newbie
  • Bisexual
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Dec 1, 2015
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Thus is just me but I believe that everyone is a little of both. If you're with the right person in the right situation you may find a different part within your self.
 

The Dandy

Kinky Newbie
  • Gay
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  • Submissive
Aug 29, 2015
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Australia
Hoping this is the right place, but I was wondering if anyone else had come across or had a similar 'problem'.

Both myself and my other half play, I always thought I was a sub but in recent years have realised that I'm more of a switch. Now my other half has always said that he is a sub, and won't accept that he might be anything else. He's said he wants me to be his Mistress and I want to be too.

However, what I'm finding is that I don't think he is a sub. I know he hasn't had much experience so there is may be a bit of that involved so I don't want to push him too much and scare him.

Now whenever we have talked, discussed or played, he seems to be happy for me to be his Mistress but I've noticed that it is only with things he is interested in, anything else he doesn't want to know, and most of the time it's things where I do things to him. (I think if he could just lie there he would!!!)

However the other night when we were playing he starts saying things like he's the boss, I'm to do as he says, even to the point of saying he's my Master!!! But again, it is mainly him telling/ordering me to do things to him. We have talked in the past and when we first got together I did say that I had a submissive side but subsequently have told him I'm more of a switch.

He's said he'd like to try certain things and he's got the equipment to do it, so as we went away for a weekend as a surprise I took the equipment with me but he didn't want to, so we didn't.

But then if I ask him if he's more a switch, he'll reply no he's a sub.

So anyone had any dealings, advice etc for someone who is trying to be a Domme to someone who is adamant that they are a sub but seems to be anything but a sub?

Thanks in advance.

I agree with the docter, very interesting indeed. I have come to know this situation as "topping from the bottom", and often when researching/doing online quizzes (I already know the result, but I still think they are fun to fill out) it is expressly stated that if you are a sub making demands and leading the play, then you really aren't a sub.
I mean all I can think to do is coax him more into being the assertive one. It sounds like he naturally assumes the role some times when you play, and when he does I suggest you act more submissive and start trying to let the power swing as much as possible. After a while, if he doesn't realise it himself, you'll have a lot of evidence to back up your case.
Just my two cents,
Hope that helps
 

Heckler86

Kinky Newbie
  • Straight
  • Male
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Dec 10, 2015
4
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West Coast USA
I see this as a bit of an Identity Crisis.

It is a harsh term, but look at how many details go into any sexual experience. Each of those details can completely redefine the entire mood of a situation, move a bit this way and something that is just playing around becomes dom / sub. Crisis dosnt mean problem, it just means that the identity is not maintained during the entire experience, needs more solidification. Result is that it feels "wishy washy".

What I would recommend is that you both agree when Roles can be changed. If he is going to be on top, then he has to stay on top and youre on bottom. If youre on top, then stay on top, dont let him dom from the bottom. When you both agree to the Role Reversal, it more clearly defines what you expect from each other.

Maintaining the roles until you both agree to switch helps you to be put in your place or put him in his place when those roles are challenged. If he starts to misbehave, that deserves punishment, the kind that pleases YOU, not him. If he wants to be a sub, make sure he knows that it is about making you happy and his happiness has to be earned, so he has to put energy into it as well. Once roles are reversed, his happiness comes first and make sure to earn your reward for him. This helps him to understand the effort you have to put in to being on top, and that is not the easiest thing to do.

Just my two cents.
 

HarmlessBeast

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Jan 7, 2015
26
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Edmonton
Ok, here's a bit different take on this.
What I am referring to is that to me there are different ways of being a sub just as there are different ways of being a dom. It may be that he is a "BOTTOM" in that he wants to be the one that is being used, but that doesn't mean he is submissive. Submissiveness to me means that you look to the other person for guidance. A dominant person is also different from being a Top.

Lets use the example of my Ex wife. She is DEFINITELY a Domme. In fact we are now divorced because I was not submissive enough. But she also liked to be flogged as a form of massage. So when I was flogging her, I may have appeared to be the dom, but believe me I was not the one in control. So I may have been to Top, but she was the Dominant.

The key in my opinion is to find out which roles you fill for each other and not necessarily worry if you fit a specific title.

Also, what does being submissive / dominant mean to each of you. Do you want these roles just in the bedroom? Do you want highly ritualized roles with a lot of rules?

This all needs to be discussed honestly and then you can hopefully find something that works for you.
 

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