Belittlement: a Discussion

I'm a switch, not that I feel it matters in response to the actual question.

I don't believe belittlement is a necessary thing to have in a relationship.

Belittlement is a humiliation factor. Humiliation is not necessary in a relationship, it depends on what they people involved in the relationship enjoy.

Next to nothing is ever a must have for all relationships.

I posted it on GD but thought I might do it here as well

Zeromus said:

As a Slave/Master/Switch (please state what your position is when you post), Do you believe belittling talk plays a key role in a relationship, and if so why?

Speaking personally, I only see it as a kink, perhaps having to do with my upbringing, which was rather insult-laden.

Click to expand...

*states position* I’m a slave

I think it’s very hard to define the role humiliation and/or degradation, be it verbal or otherwise, plays in a relationship. Because since this is a more psychological and subtle aspect of D/s, perceptions are different for everyone. What is totally unacceptable for one person can be tremendously appealing to another. So one exact same word or phrase or context will trigger very different reactions and emotions. Even for people who say they love humiliation and/or degradation: everyone will at some point find a line that shouldn’t be crossed.

Personally, as much as I like cute terms of endearment like slut, fucktoy, etc. I draw the line at belittlement which I consider to be different than “innocent” name-calling. For ex., I would not tolerate terms like useless, worthless or direct insults like stupid, dumb, etc. This is where, for me, it’s no longer a kink and it becomes an attack to my self-esteem. But yet again, like I said, it’s really a matter of perceptions. Words don’t have the same effect from one to another

So for me, yes, verbal humiliation has a role, although not necessarily a major one. It’s more like an enhancement tool. And belittlement has no role at all.

Sidenote: I will move this thread to BDSM as it seems to me it would fit best there

Well, see, it's a tricky one; I'm a slave (at the moment, although have Dommed). The first thing is to define 'belittlement' which I know the OP has specified as a phrase used to exert dominance over another person. However, belittlement in itself is quite litterally something to make another person feel small, to put them down, or to humiliate them. These two can potentially be very differant things depending on the people involved. For instance, Sir has some very innocent ways of verbally exerting his control over me, none of which involve any form of belittlement in it's most litteral translation.

However, having said that, a lot of couples do enjoy humiliation play, including Sir and I to some extent. To me, begging is humiliating, but it's something we play with (mostly with orgasm control) and it's a very effective way for me to remember exactly who this body belongs to. Would that be called belittlement? Not necessarily. Humiliation play? Possibly. Verbally asserting control? Absolutely.

The other thing to consider is humiliation as a punishment. If the submissive of a couple sees humiliation this way, then belittlement could potentially be a punishment, which alters it's translation entirely. It's not just about asserting power, it's about inflicting emotional pain, which is never completely necessary. I'm a 24/7 slave and desperate to please, and I can honestly say that Sir has never needed to punish me. I couldn't cope with being belittled and put down as a form of punishment; I'd take it too much to heart.

Having said that, however, I know that not a whole many relationships conform to the same level of intensity, many people having a part-time and more casual relationship. So the question arises of how exactly does it differ?

Anyways, I suppose the short answer is that it depends on your definition and, more importantly, on the people involved.

I know that I already commented, but after reading His_Einna's post, I feel a need to expand and clarify my post.

I completely agree that it depends on the definition one uses. In my previous response, I was working with a definition of belittlement as making one partner feel small.

In that respect, I still do not feel that it is necessary for a relationship.

If I were to use the definition: "exert your dominance verbally over someone", I am still not sure if it is a necessity in a relationship. At some point, dominance needs to be established verbally. But, I think that it is more through a person's actions than what they say that dominance is really established. The verbal representation of the dominant actions is merely a back up to what both partners should already be feeling.

Yeah, exactly. I mean for instance, Sir and I have this cute little 'resistance' thing that we do where he'll tell me to kiss him, I'll very playfully turn my cheek (as though to deny him) and he'll either grab my collar or my hair and pull me back. He knows that all he has to do is say the words, but it's the actions that actually reaffirm. If he just randomly grabbed my hair and pulled me into a kiss, it'd work just as well as the words and the actions combined, just in a differant way.