New Dom, don't know how to start

captainjackhavock

Kinky Newbie
  • Straight
  • Male
  • Switch
May 26, 2016
4
0
0
Quick background: I am a college student in my first serious relationship (almost 7 months) and I have just found out that my girlfriend is way kinkier than I expected. We both took the bdsmtest.org quiz, and the results are below.

Her results: http://bdsmtest.org/result.php?id=1986095
My results: https://bdsmtest.org/result.php?id=1986156

This kind of explains a lot. During sex sometimes I thought she was unenthusiastic or not totally enjoying it, but I'm realizing that she's just being submissive. After all, she instigated sex originally and tells me she is really into it. We lost our virginity to each other so we aren't very experienced though. That being said, I am getting more confident, as I can keep going for a good twenty to forty minutes and she has encouraged me to really pound her.

This revelation that she wants to be a sub has kind of thrown me for a loop. I always expected she was the type, but I didn't realize she was this kinky. The problem is that I don't know how to start. I've always been into pretty heavy dom porn and fantasies (although not ropes and toys) but being raised in a feminist but traditional household, I've always assumed that most girls don't like that stuff. Now that I know my girlfriend consensually wants to go further, I'm starting to get interested in going further with my fantasies. The problem is that I don't know where to start. She's asked me to pull her hair and hold her wrists, but what's the next step? At what point do we need a safe word?

A couple dirty details: She isn't a big fan of foreplay or receiving oral. Even though it seems that she is, I'm not really into the idea of toys or tying people up, I'd rather use my hands. She has hinted that she wants to try anal, but honestly I'm a little scared of that going badly. Again, even though it sounds like she is into it, I hate the idea of degrading her verbally, probably because she has low self esteem and I could never say something negative about her. I'm definitely a switch, but anytime I try to encourage my girlfriend to take charge I've learned that she really doesn't want to. So that's fine, but the reason I wanted her to take charge it was because I felt like I didn't know how to take charge.

Thanks in advance!
 

SubMissChievous

Distinguished Member
  • Straight
  • Female
  • Private
Jan 9, 2008
316
33
0
Canada
Okay lots of things here... but first thing first: that quiz you took:

I didn't look at either link because regardless of the results none of that would be helpful or relevant information for me to answer the rest of your post. But one thing you might want to know is that this test is in no way accurrate or reliable any more than those Facebook quizzes such as Which Disney Character Are You. It is solely based on one person's bias and has no scientific value to it. Not that it can't be fun and entertaining and even used to as a conversation starter but these tests and their results need to be taken with a grain of salt :)

The problem is that I don't know how to start.

Communication is usually the best place to start. Most of what you have mentioned revolves around sex and play so is it just the bedroom part that you (both of you here) are interested in or would you want to incorporate an authority-based dynamic outside of the bedroom? Seeing together where the boundaries are would be a good place to start to make sure you're on the same page. What about rules and punishments? Do you want them? Not everyone does have either in their dynamic but again that's usually a good thing to discuss together.

As far as not knowing where to go from hair pulling and holding her wrists down... have you thought of filling a BDSM checklist? If not that could be useful for you. I have posted an example here a few years ago: http://www.kinktalk.com/talk/showthread.php?t=542

You can also google it and you will easily find several different ones and quite likely some that are far more comprehensive than the one I wrote back then. What I suggest you do there is pick one and both of you fill it and then compare to see commonalities together. Find what interests you have in common and work from there.

but being raised in a feminist but traditional household, I've always assumed that most girls don't like that stuff.

Okay one thing about that: unless you believe that every women on earth are inferior and should submit to you because you were born with a penis (and you obviously don't seem to) then this shouldn't even be a problem. At the core, feminism is about having the same rights and opportunities to make choices for oneself. if a woman chooses to relinquish authority or control to their male partner freely and consensually then in no way does that negate the basic concept of feminism.

I am both a feminist and a submissive. I don't submit to men but to one partner. And none of what I do makes me inferior to him. Equal as people but unequal in authority.

Even though it seems that she is, I'm not really into the idea of toys or tying people up, I'd rather use my hands.

Does she seems to be into these things or do you KNOW that she is? If you are unsure, ask her.

But in case that she is and you not so much I am not quite sure what to suggest you about toys but about bondage there can be a happy medium here: I am not a huge fan of rope either and most restraints that appeal to me are expensive and am not wiling to bust my budget just to get them. So what I became into is movement restrictions (some call it mental bondage) where I am made to hold certain positions or not move (partially or completely). Cheap, no need for tons of preparation and lots of fun :p

She has hinted that she wants to try anal, but honestly I'm a little scared of that going badly.

One word: lube. Lots of it. And if you're uncomfortable of that going wrong go slow. You don't have to start with your dick either.

Lastly, I read a lot of "she hinted", "she seems", "she sounds like", etc. which brings me back to what I said earlier: communicate. If there is anything you are not sure about ask directly. You can never have too much information about the other person you share this with :)
 

captainjackhavock

Kinky Newbie
  • Straight
  • Male
  • Switch
May 26, 2016
4
0
0
Thanks for the great reply! The checklist especially will help. The quiz may not be as good as talking, but it is pretty comprehensive, and since she basically got %100 on the submissive branch, she was clearly sending me a message. It just made me realize what she has been trying to tell me for a while.

As for the feminist thing, keyword there is "traditional." Basically I was always taught that relationships are all about balance and equality. So it is difficult to wrap my mind around the idea of a woman wanting me to make her feel degraded, even though that admittedly turns me on (when it's consensual, of course).

As for the tying stuff, I was just trying to let people know the direction we are heading.

I know it sounds like I have horrible communication with her, but the reason is only because she is actually away for the summer and I won't see her for a month or too. Normally we are super open about sex, but she doesn't like to talk about it over text or phone, so beyond just kind of acknowledging our test results, we haven't had the opportunity to talk. The reason I posted this is because when I visit her in July I know we will have this conversation that opens the door for rougher sex, but I really want to have ideas of the next steps so I don't disappoint, or even worse, accidentally hurt her. I guess I'm just really missing her right now and don't know how to deal with this information.
 

SubMissChievous

Distinguished Member
  • Straight
  • Female
  • Private
Jan 9, 2008
316
33
0
Canada
Oh I totally understand what you mean about your upbringing regarding feminism and it is not uncommon at all for young and new male dominants to have to somehow adapt their worldview when they begin being active in BDSM and D/s. But what I was pointing at is that in reality there is no conflict between feminism and kink as it is all about personal preferences and choices.

However there is a bit that is unclear to me here:

So it is difficult to wrap my mind around the idea of a woman wanting me to make her feel degraded

I am not sure what you mean here... Has your girlfriend explicitely told you that she wants to be degraded? Or do you see a woman submitting to a woman as a degrading thing?

If it is the latter I would suggest you read more about D/s dynamics in the meantime that your gf is away. A lot of people who are into D/s are not into degradation. The simple fact of handing authority and/or control over another person isn't degrading in itself. Here's a simple way to look at it: everyone submits to others in position of authority in their lives. Kids and teenagers follow their parents' house rules, students do the same at school, most adults work under the authority of their boss, etc. Yet none of this is degrading in itself. Same applies to D/s: it is simply a relationship dynamic where one person is handed authority over certain aspects of another's life that has been discussed and agreed upon.

Now if you mean degradation as a kink that's entirely different thing. If she has told you that it is what she wants you will have to ask her what degradation means to her and probably with specific examples. The thing with the more psychological kinks such as humiliation, degradation, etc. is that it is a lot more personal than the physical ones such as bondage, impact play, etc. It is harder to anticipate what will work and what precautions need to be taken with them. So expect a lot of talking ahead. If she has not told you clearly that this is what she wants then start with that: ask her when you are together. A lot of submissives are not into degradation, even those like me who are very much into humiliation. And the line between the two is, again, very personal to each subs.

I know it sounds like I have horrible communication with her

No, I don't think so :) But now knowing the situation with her being away for the summer clarifies a few things here. On one hand it is understandable that it does limit your communication however there can also be a positive in all of this as it gives you time to think about all this, topics to bring up into a conversation with her, questions to ask, etc. So in this situation I think you are doing the right thing in seeking more feedback about anything that may concern you :)
 

captainjackhavock

Kinky Newbie
  • Straight
  • Male
  • Switch
May 26, 2016
4
0
0
Thanks for the clarification on the difference between degradation and D/s. I'm not sure if she is into it, but I know I sure as hell am not. As I have been reading into it more I definitely understand the difference now, which is what I have been struggling with since she has first started indicating that she wants to get kinkier. It was really difficult for me to separate degradation from an authority/control dynamic at first.

I have started a conversation with her discussing what kinks we are into and we are going over everything (that isn't redundant or way too kinky for me) on that list you gave to see what we agree on trying.
 

captainjackhavock

Kinky Newbie
  • Straight
  • Male
  • Switch
May 26, 2016
4
0
0
Specific question: Both my GF and I have expressed interest in a sort of "ritual" kink. Like drawing a symbol on the floor and chanting pagan stuff as part of sex. Do you know if that is a specific kink? I'm surprised I can't find anything about it online. I'm mostly wondering so I can find more ideas.
 

SubMissChievous

Distinguished Member
  • Straight
  • Female
  • Private
Jan 9, 2008
316
33
0
Canada
The closest I can think of in regards to what you describe would be sacred sexuality or sacred exchange... But I'll be honest I'm not 100% sure as it is not something I am super familiar with. But if you are curious you can always look it up :)
 

Doctor Pervert

Retired
  • Straight
  • Male
  • Private
May 19, 2013
3,508
4,731
483
Chloe has this pretty well covered but I thought I might pop in my two cents with regards to restraint. Rope is the assumed option most of the time however I don't recommend it for beginners as there is much to learn particularly on the safety side. My preferred option is for cuffs with spreader bars, now these can be purchased quite cheaply online as long as you stick to the synthetic with velcro fasteners. Leather goods are always expensive but the much prettier option.
The nice thing about using cuffs with spreaders is they allow for a secure effect without requiring extra equipment so they are portable and simple to use. You still need to follow basic safety such as checking for constricted blood flow to hands or feet but this is much less of an issue with the broad cuff not cutting in anywhere near as much as rope does.
And on the safety aspect, safe words, start now. Especially if you and your girl enjoy any kind of consensual "non-consensual" play where you are "forcing" her to do things. That type of role play is most often where confusion over STOP meaning STOP comes in, so to avoid the confusion using RED (or whatever you pick) to mean really stop etc makes it much safer.
 

HarmlessBeast

Kinky Newbie
  • Bisexual
  • Male
  • Switch
Jan 7, 2015
26
1
0
Edmonton
I'm late to the party here, and I am just clarifying something that was previously stated by SubMissChievous.

She said "Communication is usually the best place to start." and she is correct. But I want to clarify what "communication" entails. With the level of trust that BDSM sometimes requires, communication might mean something just slightly different than in the "vanilla" world. The idea of safe words has already been mentioned, but I would also like to bring up the concept of after care. You should be able to find a lot of information about after care online, but generally it is the care you give after "play" that keeps a sub from dropping.
Also communication is an ongoing process. As you experience more things, it is important to talk and keep track of what you are feeling.
 

Featured Threads

New Personals