Starting first relationship and would appreciate some advice

LukeUmbi

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Feb 18, 2015
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Hello,

Let me start by introducing myself. I'm Luke, an 18 year old guy from the Netherlands and I have been intrigued by BDSM for quite some time now (I enjoy watching it online and fantasizing about it).

I might be starting a BDSM relation soon and I would like some advice since I'm new to this. Below is the story of how the relationship came to be, and I hope some experienced members can give me advice based on the story. I apologize if the story is to long.

A few months back I met a girl and she started talking to me a lot. She was very insecure and indecisive but I liked her. She has got her fair share of trouble like parents wanting to get divorced and other sources of stress.
Before I knew it we were cycling to school together and texting quite a lot and I noticed that she would panic when she had to make a decision or if it was just unclear what was going to happen or what she needed to do.

To give you an idea, we had to meet up at school for a project but I hadn't told her exactly where and she really panicked out of fear of not finding me and me carrying on without her because I couldn't find her and would assume she wasn't going to show up. And when she saw me she felt a great sense of relief.

Nowadays I try to be extra clear to her about where and when and I make decisions for her (sometimes as simple as which route to take when going somewhere or what to order at McDonald's) and she finds that really comforting.

When I asked her how she felt about me taking control over a part of her life she told me it is not only comforting for her but she enjoys it and she would love to surrender as much of herself as she could to me.

At a time when we were talking about relationships in general we ended up exchanging sexual fantasies (just vanilla fantasies at the time). I told her how I would please a girl and she responded with describing how she would "reward" me if I were to do that to her. Afterwards I asked her why she gave me that vivid description because I didn't think of her as the type who would say such things and she responded that she tough I would enjoy it. I told her I did but she doesn't have to do that if she doesn't want to. That was when she told me that she wants to because she genuinely enjoys pleasing me.

After a few days of not speaking to her she came to school with quite a few bruises and I asked what had happened. She confessed that she did it herself. She has had the habit of biting and hitting herself when she can't handle the pressure she's under anymore. That habit has been there for years and it got so far out of hand that she would damage her body. She also told me that when she around me, whether it's trough texting or real world contact, she doesn't have to urge to hurt herself for some reason.

When I asked her why she did it she told me the pain helps her forget all the negativity and she just genuinely enjoys the sensation of the pain. When I'm around she still desires the sensation of pain at times but she doesn't have the uncontrollable urge to hurt herself.
That was when I told her to always text or even call me if she ever had the urge to hurt herself because I care deeply for this girl and want to protect her to the best of my ability.

Anyways, a few days later it came up in conversation that I find BDSM kinky and that was when the idea started. She told me she just likes to feel the pain and she would even prefer it if I gave it to her. At first I wasn't sure about this because I was afraid I would just feed her (now inactive) addiction, but now I like the idea because it would please both of us and more importantly I am in control of the pain so I can protect her from causing herself injuries, because she always takes it a step to far when doing it herself.



At the moment I'm controlling her trough text by telling her what to wear, if she can wear underwear, what she has to do when she wakes up, and we both enjoy it.

The tricky part is that her parents are really protective because they know about her bad habits so we can have very little time alone in real life. Body marks are also a real deal breaker.

We haven't had a real life "session" yet but she really wants to have one with me. She keeps anticipating about being blindfolded and teased with ice cubes, being spanked with hair brushes and discovering and pushing her limits, but never crossing.

To help you understand our relationship a little bit better. There is no romantic love between the two of us, just a lot of passion and caring love.


But here is were I would like some advice. I am not sure on how to continue this relationship. I would love to have some advice, also ideas for tasks and punishments I can give her trough texts are more than welcome. She is craving for more orders from me.

These are the tasks she already has:
When she wakes up the first thing she does is take a selfie, she isn't allowed to do her make-up or hair beforehand.
I have to approve her outfit for the day and often deny her wearing any underwear.
She has to text me whenever she is going out and when she comes back home.
She send me a selfie right before she goes to sleep.

I started these tasks yesterday so I hope there will be many more.

Thanks in advance,

Luke
 
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HarmlessBeast

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Jan 7, 2015
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First thoughts are that she might have some self esteem issues. So maybe with the selflies have her add positive affirmations, or to point out things that she likes about herself.
 

sum1

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Jan 9, 2008
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I know you're asking for task ideas but I'm gonna chat about relationships (boring I know) as for tasks, I'm sure you have an idea of what turns you on and what turns her on, I'm sure you can be naughty and think of stuff ;) I see where the post above is coming from, however I would disagree with it personally. If she has self esteem issues having her do photos may easily back fire and draw out what she is self concus of. She may also see it as just a way of you getting to see her body (whether it is or not)

First off make sure you keep talking about everything like you are. You will need to make sure that she is happy with everything that is going on at every step of the way. Take things slow together and explore.
If something feels too much (like she asks for more pain than you're comfortable giving) it's up to you to say no, and talk to each other about why you were uncomfortable.
I think you're best not to tie yourselves down (pun) with any particular titles or roles. I feel it's better to explore together. You may want to have a look up at what some of the titles people give themselves are and what they mean. There is a lot. It will also give you a bit of a sense of just how broad this interest can be.
From the sound of things I'd look into the nurturing side, like daddy doms and such. This doesn't have to mean age play. It can be about allowing your partner a realise and a safe place/person who they can be silly and immature with.

If you haven't already you may also want to checkout the website fetlife.com it has a far larger community than here. Go to the groups section and have a look for groups to do with relationship advice and ones for people who are new (I believe novices and newbies is one of the biggest) people tend to be warm and helpful.
Keep talking to people and getting advice like you have done here. There will be people who have had similar relationships who will be able to give advice.
 
Last edited:

jjhye

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Jun 24, 2015
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I agree with sum1 about the photos. You don't want to get in trouble with what I would call a timebomb. Judging from her self-inflicting personality, I suspect she may have some sort of mental issues (thought process, DSM-IV blah blah) blown off from her background. To make it clear, these problems rarely goes away with sexual kinks/fetish because we don't do it 24/7 but things we feel pressured/depressed comes to us every now and then. I would advice to reassess if it is clear and safe for both of you to do what you guys are doing since you stated that both of you aren't in a relationship, but rather, more of fwb to me. The problem with FWB in this situation is that even if you could disappear the next second as you feel like it, she may not be able to take it and starts inflicting herself much worse than before. I know that each has their own responsibilities to this so both of you has to be clear with it.

I don't know anything about the kink part of it.
 

sophiaspanties

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Sep 26, 2015
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cherry hill
I don't know the difference between romantic love vs caring love. Love only has one meaning...Love is patient, love is kind, love is gentle it does not envy, it does not boast, it is NOT self seeking, it is slow to anger, love always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres, many waters can not quench love, rivers can not wash it away. So a simple question is do you love her? Another serious question! Do you want to know how you can manipulate this girl into being the perfect sex toy for you? Or do you want to give her the love you think she needs? Cause I almost feel your internal struggle! You're thinking like damn I have this girl in the palm of my hands. Just know, with great power comes great responsibility! And the way you describe her, makes me think you bring her a lot of stability. Stop thinking purely sexual and give her other tasks like, brush your teeth, give her a healthy meal plan, tell her you want her to do some naked squats or a naked workout. Idk just switch it up here and there. Give her tasks and encouragements that will genuinely build her up. If she really likes making you happy, then tell her it makes you sad and frustrated and angry with her when she shows up with self inflicted bruises.
Tell her the only marks you want to see on her are the marks you make! And I would keep it to things like scratch marks, spanking, and hickies. And I'm telling you right now, don't make your sessions purely about pain, make some purely about sensual and gentle pleasures, and maybe some a little rough.
My task idea is almost like cuff her to a bed, pretend like your going to be rough and punishing, and instead just be a gentle tease, be exploratory, admire her then give her some explosive orgasms. Idk just some thoughts
 

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