A problem and a possibly unfair request to fix it

Enthusiastic!

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I've been dating my current girlfriend for four years and we just started living together just this last year.

When we started dating both my girlfriend and I were both average size. The last two years my girlfriend has been slowly gaining weight. She eats terribly and I've never been able to get her to exercise with me. I love her very much and although her health has bothered me for some time I never pushed it as I thought maybe eventually she would kinda gravitate towards a healthier lifestyle.

Last night things changed for me. It's hard to write this because I love her so very much and can't imagine life without her. We were having sex and I was in bed while she was getting undressed. I'd never noticed it before but from the side I could see her tummy bulging out quite a bit. I was very unattracted by this. I found it disgusting.

I love my girlfriend and don't know how best to attack this and I can't really ignore it because I want to still be sexually attracted to her. What frustrates me is that she refuses to go running or walking with me (she is always too tired from work), she eats food late at night, and is obsessed with fast food and eating out. I don't feel like it's too much to ask her to just exercise and stop eating shitty (especially because I am very careful about what I eat, and I exercise regularly).

Is there a kind and thoughtful way I can bring the issue up or is it pointless. I know she is insecure about her body (even though until recently she was in good shape) and I would hate to make her insecurity worse by saying the wrong thing. I feel like if I were to gain a bunch of weight so that she found me unattractive it would be fair of her to ask the same thing of me.

Reading this I realize I sound really shallow but I think this could be a real problem for our sex life. Can anyone think of any advice that might help me out in this situation?
 
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tempered_sugar

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As someone who has had weight issues for the past 10 years I would urge you not to tell her that you aren't finiding her as sexually attractive as before!! This would cfrush her like something you can't imagine and I should think make her gain more wieght.

My advise would be to put yourself in her shoes. Maybe the over eating stems from stress she has at work or maybe she is just unhappy with her body image. It could even be that she has become contented and happy in your relatioship and has put on a little wieght from that, which is perfectly normal.

I understand your concern about her health and that does show you care and I think that should be what you concentrate on the most. Maybe suggest you cooking a romantic meal for her instead of going out. This way you would know exactly how many calories there are and the portion size, don't make it obvious but just cook a tastey healthy meal that you know she'll like. Curry can be really healthy if you cook it at home :)

And my favorite suggestion is sexercise! Trying out lots of positions during sex helps to use your muscles and helps tone. I swear my firm butt is due to sex cos nothing else is very firm :p While in the bedroom concentrate on what you find attractive about her, can be her breasts or hair or anything you find sexy about her :D

Also for most people exercise is boring! You could go for a walk around the block together or get a Wii fit. I love that thing and it's the only thing that gets me moving and is fun at the same time.

In my opinion though finding out why she has gained wieght is the important thing, there maybe underlying issues for her she hasn't talked about or is even fuly aware of. Hope my ramble helps you some :)
 

Enthusiastic!

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Thanks for the advice!

I know she has been wanting to get a Wii fit so maybe that would be a good first step. We both got bikes a year back so maybe some bike rides might be in order too.

I count all my daily calories online and have tried in the past to get her to do the same. I know she does not take offense to me recommending it because I've always counted them and even encouraged her to joing in before. Maybe with a Wii fit and some bike riding she will get interested in the calorie counting too. I know the direct method would cause a lot of harm so maybe taking the healthy things she enjoys along with subtly pushing some of my habits would be a good route.
 

lydiab6

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While telling her you don't find her sexually attractive is not a good idea...

Telling her you love her, and are worried about her health because you want her around for a long time might be good.

Its ok to point out that you noticed she has gained a little weight, and that it worries you because you don't want her to get sick. Don;t make it about how she looks, because while it may be that to you, its not the main issue. Make it about her health, make it about the future.

There are also really simple first steps that won't offend, and don't take much work on either of your parts. If one issue is eating junk food, don't buy it. Don;t have it in the house. If its not there, neither of you can eat it. Find out why she eats late at night, does she not have time at work? Is it simpler because she is to busy during the day? Then, once you know the reason, if you can help her not do that, it will help a lot.

Also, in terms of weight loss, its not all about exercise and calorie counting. Making sure to eat breakfast, drinking enough water throughout the day, having fruits and vegetables....all of that, simple things that don;t take that much more effort in a day, will help a lot. Have fruit in the house, easily accessible fruit, like from a can, that can be stored and opened with no preparation makes it an easy, healthful snack.

And, since you already do these things, it will help.
 

Fiendish

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While telling her you don't find her sexually attractive is not a good idea...

Telling her you love her, and are worried about her health because you want her around for a long time might be good.

That's how my girlfriend told me, and I've lost 10 pounds so far. This seems like a good way to do it.
 

Enthusiastic!

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That's how my girlfriend told me, and I've lost 10 pounds so far. This seems like a good way to do it.

I only hesitate to do this because she had body issues when she was perfectly in shape. I am hesitant to drive her deeper into a problem that I know she already struggles with. Maybe if everything else failed I would attempt this. I would really need to think about how to mitigate the negatives however.
 

lydiab6

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Its not a negative if you don't make it negative. You know that she knows that she has gained weight and doesn't like her body image...so, here is your opportunity to help.

"I Love You, I'm worried..." take it from there. The first step is to talk about it, don't let it just hang out as the elephant in the room. If you don't talk about it now, nothing will change, and you will just feel miserable, as I'm sure will she.
 

tempered_sugar

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"I Love You, I'm worried..." take it from there. The first step is to talk about it, don't let it just hang out as the elephant in the room. If you don't talk about it now, nothing will change, and you will just feel miserable, as I'm sure will she.

Personally I don't think sugaring the words will help much. It is a delecate subject and for me personally adding "I love you" would not make it all better. For me saying "I love you, I'm worried" would make me panick and I would put all the blaim on myself, she may not be like that but you have to think how the words will sound to someone who is already sensitive about their body image. Follow a negative with a positive not a positive with a negative. Explain your concerns and then emphasise that whatever course she takles you love her and will support her through.

I stick to what I said before and think it's best to talk about why she has gained wieght. Like lydia said in her previous reply it could be something as simple as she doesn't have time to eat at work and then makes up for it when she gets home. I think this would take the emphasis off her and not make it that she is just over eating for the sake of it. You could stress that you were just worried she was unhappy about something and so was comfort eating, shows you care are in tune with her and want to help. Nothing says I love you like listening, helping and supporting her.

Like you said she wants the Wii fit, you want her to excercise and have been trying to get her to, so spalsh out and surprise her with it! I lost 5lbs in a week just using it an hour a day. Buy that and it's an excuse not to eat out too because you won't have the money to :p
 

His_Einna

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Well, a wii fit or bikes might be a good start, but the most important thing is diet. If she's self-conscious, then the best way to do it, I think, will be the tack of "I still love you anyways, but if your size bothers you that much, you need to start eating better...."

If possible, sit down together and plan what you'll eat on a day-to-day basis, drawing up a menu for the week, shopping for only what you decide to have. Chuck out the menu's for the local take-aways and refuse to go out more than once a week. Try to find healthy foods she likes and encourage her to eat them more.

I know this is all pretty standard advice, but it's a way that really works with me.

I hope this helps.
 

PaddleFan

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If you're worried about the direct approach, then I agree that getting a Wii fit and suggesting the two of you take bike rides together is a good place to start. It sounds like you're into that stuff anyway.

There are some other things that'll take a little more effort on your part. Try cooking her dinner and or breakfast. It's a lot more work than fast food, but if she's getting her veggies or whatever at home, she won't need to go out and get something.

You might also consider packing her a lunch for work. Just tell her that you want to make sure she's eating healthy and you know there isn't anything good at the snack-stand/lunch-room/corner store.

You can do all these things to lower her junk food intake, increase her exercise (I agree that sex is a great exercise) and not force a conversation about her weight. Hopefully she'll see an improvement in the way she feels after a few weeks of this and will crave the fast food meals less and enjoy getting out more.
 

GoogleMaster

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I think personalizing it might make it easier. Say something like "I am starting to feel out of shape and really want to do something about it. I really like you exercising with me because it motivates me and makes me feel sexier for you. If I were to sign us up for a power yoga class/ running group/ kettle bell workout would you come with me?"

Then sign up for a class together. Make it a scheduled thing. Like we know ever wednesday we have to go to swim lessons. Then you and her will have more time together (a bonus) and she will be working out a bit.

Good Luck!
 

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