What to Look for in a Master/Mistress

slavegirl4u

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Not a day goes by that I do not get a pm message asking me to be someone's mistress or if I know one. First of all I am an owned slave and I will not and cannot be a mistress but here are my thoughts about what to look for and using wisdom for your own safety and qualities in looking for the Dom in your life.

DO NOT SEND FACE PICTURES Many doms will ask for a face or nude pic this opens yourself up if you send a face pic they can come back and humiliate your or blackmail you. I would also say that you should wait to send a body pic until you know the dom. They will understand if they are a decent one.
TEST THE WATERSYou need to find someone who will be strict but loving at the same time a Master/Slave relationship needs to be built on trust and respect
AGE AND TIME ZONEIn some cases age might matter and time zone can be a factor but not always so ask.

HONESTY AND TRANSPARENCY The Dom answers any question you pose, shares things you should know unprompted, and hides nothing about his life. He's willing to discuss previous relationships in detail, and doesn't blame breakups mostly on the ex-partners.

COMPATIBLE LIFE PATTERNS AND GOALS Some slaves and subs, and doms, are more adaptable than others. But in general, chemistry is not enough; you need basic alignment in schedules, habits, needs for solitude & attention/affection & kink/sex, and social patterns (e.g. a social butterfly may not be well-matched to a homebody). Career and family needs and dreams also need to line up, or be adjustable!

VISION AND CLARITY The Dom has a picture or plan for the future of the relationship. He sees possible paths from the present to that place, and makes the current path clear to his sub. The journey may well alter his vision of the destination, or the route to it. The relationship is based on a Master/Slave relationship not an intimate one.

EMOTIONAL SOPHISTICATION The Dom is aware of his own feelings and issues, and able to discover and understand yours. He can ask for help when he needs it and lend help when you ask. He's not easily angered or hurt, but will promptly and calmly tell you when he is. He'll call you on your stuff, and allows you to call him on his.

DEDICATION TO SELF DEVELOPMENT He's constantly working on himself — especially emotional and social skills. He's at peace with who he is, but isn't complacent. He learns from his mistakes. (This trait can fill a lot of gaps if he learns quickly, but it's not a substitute for missing abilities.)

CURIOSITY AND FASCINATION The Dom is profoundly interested in you, and your dynamics together, and the aspects of himself that you enable him to explore.

INTUITION AND EMPATHY The Dom is good at reading you, and eventually predicting your likely responses in key moments. He communicates his insights about you. He has a sense of how you feel, which impacts his own mind-state.

HUMILITY AND CONFIDENCEThe Dom knows his weaknesses and vulnerabilities. He knows his strengths. He takes risks wisely. He doesn't mistake authority for knowledge and understanding. He owns it when he's at fault or has failed.

SETTING LIMITS One point of D/s is redefining both partners' boundaries, emotionally and physically. A dom guides this process, both by setting beneficial restrictions on his partner, and working to dismantle barriers she may have towards him.

PATIENCE AND FLEXIBILITY The Dom is willing to invest the time and care necessary for a deep relationship. He knows you're not superhuman. He can take "no" for an answer when necessary. He can devise or embrace alternate routes to his objectives.

APPRECIATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT The Dom conveys to you how good he feels with you. He celebrates your talents and accomplishments. He doesn't criticize you unfairly or needlessly. He urges you to pursue your interests, to hone your strengths, to address your weaknesses. (Appreciation can be overdone. A sub should draw greater meaning from acts fulfilling her partner's needs than from praise for performing them.)

If you find a Dom with all of the above qualities, and he's into you, be willing to bend over backwards and forwards for him daily. He's a rare find!

D/s experience. If a guy hasn't "owned" a sub before, it doesn't mean he's not qualified. Talent and dedication to honing it are more crucial than experience.
 

MasterMichaelNY

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On the first part, aw hell NO. You might be approached by guys wanting you to be there Mistress, us guys have our own problems. Guys pretending to be woman. To prove my point, here's the sister site ban list (http://www.getdare.com/bbs/misc.php?do=banlist)

A slave or sub holding off on there face picture, i'm ok with that. But proving there a woman, that's a major thing. I require a photo, along with me tell them to write something on their body, to prove they just didn't just steal a picture.

Keep in mind your past posts, your asking the men to trust the women, and not the other way around.

BUT what really kills me, you go over to other sites, like ALT, or Fet Life, there are pictures all over the place. For some dam strange reason, these two site, have a paranoia about pictures. I wonder why?
 

CuriouslyInterested

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BUT what really kills me, you go over to other sites, like ALT, or Fet Life, there are pictures all over the place. For some dam strange reason, these two site, have a paranoia about pictures. I wonder why?

There is no difference. Not everyone on ALT or Fetlife has pictures up, the same as on here. There are plenty of women who have pictures up either as profile pics or in albums. Not everyone is comfortable giving up their anonymity, not everyone is respectful and appropriate with pictures of others.

I agree with slavegirl4u. Don't send pictures until you are comfortable doing so. If you can't take my word on being a woman in order for me to get to know you, you're not the dom for me. There seems to be an idiotic belief in here that women (a very hot commodity around here) will submit to the first "dom" that comes along. It's laughable to think a long term relationship is going to start from answering an ad. It's laughable to think that a dom can lay out a list of expectations and someone is going to commit to them just based on what they want.

If someone can't talk to me as a person, not a sexual conquest, there is no way I will respect them and desire to submit to them. A connection and trust are required elements, both are necessary to a dominant and submissive dynamic. If someone requires me to send any sort of picture of my body, I require the conversation to be over.

A wise general rule is to just consider the impact and possible repercussions of playing with or sending any pictures to strangers. If I wouldn't post it on the internet myself, I'm not sending it to someone i do not know WELL.
 

MasterMichaelNY

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There is no difference. Not everyone on ALT or Fetlife has pictures up, the same as on here. There are plenty of women who have pictures up either as profile pics or in albums. Not everyone is comfortable giving up their anonymity, not everyone is respectful and appropriate with pictures of others.

I agree with slavegirl4u. Don't send pictures until you are comfortable doing so. If you can't take my word on being a woman in order for me to get to know you, you're not the dom for me. There seems to be an idiotic belief in here that women (a very hot commodity around here) will submit to the first "dom" that comes along. It's laughable to think a long term relationship is going to start from answering an ad. It's laughable to think that a dom can lay out a list of expectations and someone is going to commit to them just based on what they want.

If someone can't talk to me as a person, not a sexual conquest, there is no way I will respect them and desire to submit to them. A connection and trust are required elements, both are necessary to a dominant and submissive dynamic. If someone requires me to send any sort of picture of my body, I require the conversation to be over.

A wise general rule is to just consider the impact and possible repercussions of playing with or sending any pictures to strangers. If I wouldn't post it on the internet myself, I'm not sending it to someone i do not know WELL.



That's cool and I respect that. But if you couldn't prove to me that you were a woman my answer would be "I'm not interested".
But would you do this, take a picture of yourself fully clothed, with your face, holding a sign saying what I asked you to write on it?
 

MasterMichaelNY

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Oh with Alt I was a member over there, I never responded to PM from women who didn't have a photo. I always felt, if I could post a picture of myself what were they hiding from.
 

Hammarling

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This all sounds very idillic and utopian as an idea of what to look for/be. I guess it is supposed to be the ideal and guideline for searching, rather a "a master must be all of this".

Honesty and Transparency - This one is really important to go both ways. You can't expect a Dom to answer questions or tell you things you wouldn't be willing to tell them. I've had subs who want to know X or Y about me but then won't reciprocate, and it's a real killer. If you won't answer said question yourself, don't ask it.

Vision and Clarity - As a Dom, after a few chats and learning about a sub i'll start to put together a very rough idea of where i want things to go and what the final goal is. The issue is that too many times subs ghost or quit after barely any time (hours or days). I'm now very reluctant to put in the effort on planning because too often it goes to waste. So now my default is "Basic training" (which i will vary depending on the sub) for a few weeks/a month and only then start putting serious time to planning.

Emotional Sophistication - It's very tough, almost unfair, to expect an 18yo to have this. I'm 22 and i'd probably say i don't have it. I've got a friend who's 26 and he would say he doesn't have it. This one really takes years and life experience to build and is really quite harsh to expect from a dom/sub under, i'd say, 30.

Intuition and Empathy - This one will take a lot of time to develop properly, and is very hard to do in an online only relationship. Even harder and longer in one that doesn't use any sort of live video. So don't expect a dom/sub to know everything about you and how you're feeling, you need to be open and tell them.

Patience and Flexibility - Hugely important for this to go both ways as well. You can't expect anything of a dom you can't do/off/expect of yourself.

Overall they are good points, but very much the ideal or almost end-point of parts of the relationship. And it is hugely important for Subs to remember that whatever they expect of their Dom, they MUST be willing to offer of themselves.
 

CuriouslyInterested

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That's cool and I respect that. But if you couldn't prove to me that you were a woman my answer would be "I'm not interested".
But would you do this, take a picture of yourself fully clothed, with your face, holding a sign saying what I asked you to write on it?

I suppose my answer could be yes or no depending on what you asked me to write. If it's something I would be uncomfortable with people seeing, the answer is no.

I'm not secretive, my kik profile is usually a face pic of myself. I don't have a problem verifying I'm who I say I am, my problem is that if I have to do anything remotely sexual to prove I'm a woman, then it's inappropriate to ask for in an initial conversation. Body writing is a task, it's inappropriate to ask for upon meeting someone who hasn't agreed to play with you. If at any point I'm expected to take off my clothes and send a picture before respect and trust had been established, any respect and trust that was building is gone.

Here's the thing, most girls have no problem sending pictures when they aren't hounded for them. If you (as a general statement, not necessarily directed to any dom in particular) work in building trust and not asking for things that seem fap material, they will probably OFFER them for your praise. When I've done tasks that were given to me because they truly thought it was something I'd enjoy, I've offered to send them pictures of the results, even though they never asked for them.

Master Michael I've seen you talk so much about the mental connection, but this picture thing totally ignores that. A dom shouldn't have to see pictures of tits and ass, or any flesh at all to build that connection. You can verify gender well enough to get to know someone without seeing any skin.
 

slavegirl4u

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I appreciate the comments of agreeing with me not to send pics. But Curiouslyintereste states that she wants to know if someone is really a female. I would say isn't that the reason why we have the option to be verified???? I am a verified female why would I have to prove it I already proved it to the kink talk staff...
 

CuriouslyInterested

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I appreciate the comments of agreeing with me not to send pics. But Curiouslyintereste states that she wants to know if someone is really a female. I would say isn't that the reason why we have the option to be verified???? I am a verified female why would I have to prove it I already proved it to the kink talk staff...

I think you misunderstood me, I don't ask pictures from anyone, not even to verify gender. The verified option is a newer one here on the website and only a handful of women have utilized it, even still, I bet women are still asked to verify to other individuals. A lot of people don't read anything other than the word female as you have noticed.
 

MasterMichaelNY

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I suppose my answer could be yes or no depending on what you asked me to write. If it's something I would be uncomfortable with people seeing, the answer is no.

I'm not secretive, my kik profile is usually a face pic of myself. I don't have a problem verifying I'm who I say I am, my problem is that if I have to do anything remotely sexual to prove I'm a woman, then it's inappropriate to ask for in an initial conversation. Body writing is a task, it's inappropriate to ask for upon meeting someone who hasn't agreed to play with you. If at any point I'm expected to take off my clothes and send a picture before respect and trust had been established, any respect and trust that was building is gone.

Here's the thing, most girls have no problem sending pictures when they aren't hounded for them. If you (as a general statement, not necessarily directed to any dom in particular) work in building trust and not asking for things that seem fap material, they will probably OFFER them for your praise. When I've done tasks that were given to me because they truly thought it was something I'd enjoy, I've offered to send them pictures of the results, even though they never asked for them.

Master Michael I've seen you talk so much about the mental connection, but this picture thing totally ignores that. A dom shouldn't have to see pictures of tits and ass, or any flesh at all to build that connection. You can verify gender well enough to get to know someone without seeing any skin.

Did I say tits or ass, NO, body writing can be fun, as long as your not using it to degrade the person, which is a whole different thing, and the writing can be placed easily on the stomach, like Hello Master Michael, or Hello MM, and you can show the whole body and the face.

Now bottom line is this. The two boards have a major issue with pictures, the woman, the real ones are having a trust issue, and the guys are having a trust issue with the woman, because we don't know if there real, a transgender, a 74 year old woman saying she 20, or freaking smoky the bear. The three things you need in a relationship is Trust, Honest, and Communication. If you don't have that, the relationship is doomed. Now, here a suggestion for the MODs to kick around in order to build trust. The woman can get verified by what your doing,
BUT what about verifying the men too. How, have the men post a picture so the MODs can see, then have them fax a copy of there driver's license to the board, so you have a record, and the man is verified by the MODs as being real, and there would be NO risk of any type of blackmail or any other stupid shit going on. Also maybe this would be a better way to verified the woman too, to make sure their over the age of 18. Yea, I had about 3 of them contact me, I wanted to burn my phone after that. Right now it feels like we are in a Mexican stand off, nobody is trusting the other person.
 

CuriouslyInterested

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Did I say tits or ass, NO, body writing can be fun, as long as your not using it to degrade the person, which is a whole different thing, and the writing can be placed easily on the stomach, like Hello Master Michael, or Hello MM, and you can show the whole body and the face.

Now bottom line is this. The two boards have a major issue with pictures, the woman, the real ones are having a trust issue, and the guys are having a trust issue with the woman, because we don't know if there real, a transgender, a 74 year old woman saying she 20, or freaking smoky the bear. The three things you need in a relationship is Trust, Honest, and Communication. If you don't have that, the relationship is doomed. Now, here a suggestion for the MODs to kick around in order to build trust. The woman can get verified by what your doing,
BUT what about verifying the men too. How, have the men post a picture so the MODs can see, then have them fax a copy of there driver's license to the board, so you have a record, and the man is verified by the MODs as being real, and there would be NO risk of any type of blackmail or any other stupid shit going on. Also maybe this would be a better way to verified the woman too, to make sure their over the age of 18. Yea, I had about 3 of them contact me, I wanted to burn my phone after that. Right now it feels like we are in a Mexican stand off, nobody is trusting the other person.

Moderators cannot verify anyone, only site adminisrrators can. Bring verified only verifies gender, not that someone is lying about their age or appearance in anyways.

Sending in drivers licenses for any sort of issuance would result in major revamps to the back of site as we don't store anything other the registration information. The verification albums are usually taken down by the users after they received their verified status.

Men weren't asked to be verified as there is not a large complaint about women posing as men.

Having a drivers license on file isn't any sort of insurance against blackmail. The problem isn't not knowing who your blackmailer is, it's that you still have to expose yourself to get the blackmail to stop. I may be able to go to the police and day this guy at this address is blackmailing me, but then the police get the material I don't want out, and that material could still get to the people I didn't want to see it.

A driver's license only helps those who have had their pictures posted online if they know exactly where the pictures were posted. It does nothing to prevent the pictures from being shared with individuals. I've seen people selling pics of women.

Fetish and sexual orientated sites are largely anonymous. A large amount of the population of users is never going to send in their drivers license. Look at the fuss the Ashley Madison hack was, and that was just names, not driver's licenses verifying identity. This isn't a dating site, the verified feature was largely set up for the WOMEN to have a way not to be asked for photos from everyone they met. And to allow them in the strictly women's forum.

It boils down to trust...build the trust to get the pictures she doesn't want the rest of the world to see. If you can't trust I'm a woman without seeing any bit of flesh, why am i going to trust you with a picture of myself that i would be uncomfortable being exposed. And even a name can be misconstrued, I wouldn't verify with writing master anything on my body.
 

Hammarling

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I don't get why a verification pic has to include a face or anything sexual at all. If i ask for one i'll just ask for a specific hand gesture, because from that i can tell whether A) It's been googled and B) easily tell the gender off the hand (most of the time. It's not sexual, it's not incriminating. What am i going to do, post your hand for the world see? How terrible...
I've also said, hold a specific object (like a colored cup/mug). Basically something relatively unique that i can easily reverse search on google. And of course it it's via Kik i can see whether it's a Galllery image or a live camera image.

Very easy then to weed out fakes or liars. But i'll only do that if i'm really unsure about a person or if the person has clearly stated they don't mind doing pictures. Most of the time i'm quite happy to go along because i've learned how to identify the signs and markers of a fake or a liar.

Basically there's no reason i can see why a verification has to be sexual or potential embarassing at all. And most of the time i don't think a verification is even needed, once you can identify fakers/liars signals.
 

CuriouslyInterested

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I don't get why a verification pic has to include a face or anything sexual at all. If i ask for one i'll just ask for a specific hand gesture, because from that i can tell whether A) It's been googled and B) easily tell the gender off the hand (most of the time. It's not sexual, it's not incriminating. What am i going to do, post your hand for the world see? How terrible...
I've also said, hold a specific object (like a colored cup/mug). Basically something relatively unique that i can easily reverse search on google. And of course it it's via Kik i can see whether it's a Galllery image or a live camera image.

Very easy then to weed out fakes or liars. But i'll only do that if i'm really unsure about a person or if the person has clearly stated they don't mind doing pictures. Most of the time i'm quite happy to go along because i've learned how to identify the signs and markers of a fake or a liar.

Basically there's no reason i can see why a verification has to be sexual or potential embarassing at all. And most of the time i don't think a verification is even needed, once you can identify fakers/liars signals.

Exactly my point.

Relying on your intuition and looking for clues is a good way to go. It's actually better than the picture verification. Any one who uses a modded kik can fake a camera picture. Also camera pictures can be forwarded and still show live. Verification pictures don't really verify anything at all.
 

MasterMichaelNY

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Exactly my point.

Relying on your intuition and looking for clues is a good way to go. It's actually better than the picture verification. Any one who uses a modded kik can fake a camera picture. Also camera pictures can be forwarded and still show live. Verification pictures don't really verify anything at all.

But how can you look for clues, if they don't send pictures? It come to the point were you see woman posting, I will NEVER send any pictures, or videos.
 

MasterMichaelNY

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Yea, i'm done with this place, it's not worth the aggravation. You can say what ever you will, and believe what ever you want, and don't think you have a major problem, but i'm done.
 
S

Sugar_Spice

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Wow! I really came to this party late! I'm glad though, I would've gotten involved and probably ended up getting pissed off as a result!
 

MasterMichaelNY

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Yup, it's pretty hard to understand my viewpoint since your not a Master, and you don't have my Kik account to see what im going thru.

Now you can join in sugar and spice, i'm sure too piss you off.
 

Doctor Pervert

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Whoa, enough!

If you want to leave then leave but stop the negative chat about the site.
The problems you are describing happen all over on just about any of the free dating or kink sites, even on high quality pay contact sites it's all but impossible to be 100% sure of identity if someone is working hard enough to fake it.

Now don't get me wrong, fakes are a huge plague on the whole online community but the main problem here is the sheer level of desperation and rush by most people. What's wrong with taking some time to properly get to know someone? I for one can usually pick up within a few chats the fakes from the genuine, often from their first post it gets pretty obvious. If you feel the need to demand proof you've already burned your chance, if they're a good fake they may manage to string you along, if genuine they will dump you.

It is what it is.
 

MasterMichaelNY

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Hey I got a email saying I got a PM from a Mistress saying she needed help. Don't believe me, take a look at my PMs. Then I saw the cheap shot on this thread, and that was it. I will not be back, not to help anybody, subs or Doms.
 

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