Bondage, Getting started.

[EnglishGuy]

Sorry! I have just realized this is probably in the wrong place, can you move it please

My wife as a fantasy involving being tied up!
When we are in bed and really horny she talks about me tying her up and using her, treating her like a slut.

This makes me so horny!

The problem is; it seems to be in the heat of the moment, when she is not horny she doesn't seem to want to talk about it.
I have suggested it or brought it up in general conversation and she doesn't go negative, she just doesn't seem to want to talk about it.

I'm sure if we just did it once it would break down the barrier, but its getting started, because of the preparation required this seems impossible!

Any suggestions would be great, how do we get started?
As anyone else had this problem?

 

[green]

Somethings like this are hard to talk about. I would say go out and buy either some rope or handcuffs and a blindfold. TIe her up and blindfold her. After that she might become more open to talking about it. If not try texting her about it. It might just be down to her been shy.

 

[Simplyme]

I would start it out really simple let her ease into it. After the heat of the moment has gone sometimes for people new to these feelings they get really insecure. Go out buy what you need (keep her comfort in mindie padded ropes or cuffs} then make it a romantic thing and once she gets comfortable then it will just be hot slutty sex.

 

[AlienMindsInc]

I honestly have to say, don't do either of those suggestions.

The first one is very impractical. What happens when you buy the stuff, get all ready, and decide you're both ready? How do you get started if she doesn't want to talk about it? What if she doesn't want to do it that day? Generally bad idea.

Texting might go well, but if she doesn't want to talk about it, she probably doesn't want to read about it either, and likely you're going to drive her further from it, thinking you want her to do it and making her more nervous.

Simplyme has a good point, and it is similar to what I'm about to suggest.

I would say to get a cheap pair of handcuffs with the spring release from a toy store.

Now, next time she is in the mood, gets horny and starts talking about it, it's all about headspace. I'd say she's probably ready. Don't go for tying her up first! Just boss her around. Call her a slut, be vocal. Tell her to get on her knees and BLANK like a good slut. Fill in the blank with your favorite activity. Make sure she knows you're in charge and she's a slut. (That's what she wants, after all.) When you're done with that session, and she's no longer in the mood, cuddle her, tell her how much you love her, how beautiful she is, etc. Talk about it then, ask her if she enjoyed it, tell her you did enjoy it. Ask her if she'd like to use the cuffs next time, and give them to her to hold. Show her how they work, explain that it's only if she wants next time.

Then, don't bring the damn activity up again. If she still doesn't want to talk about it after doing it, do it a few more times when she's talking like that.

I suspect she's very nervous you'll take things the wrong way and try to control her out of bed. Either that or she's embarrassed about what she wants and thinks it's wrong. This is likely the case if she's very religious, or came from a religious family.

The MOST important part of this activity is the aftercare. I can't speak for your wife, but most people hate thinking badly of themselves after it is over. She might think this is what you really think of her if you do a good enough job as her dom. You need to dispel that or risk ruining your marriage. And you should never go to bed right after sex unless your partner does, it kind of looks like you don't care about them.

 

[tempered_sugar]

I think the best thing to start with is just subtle domination, getting her comfortable with you taking over and controlling. Forget ropes or handcuffs to begin with you really have to get her comfortable with the idea of being restricted in movement.

I personally think when she is all worked up and horny just simply rolling her over onto her back and pinning her arms above her head with your hands round her wrists is a subtle way to restrict her and show whos in charge. The natural thing for her to do will be to try and pull her arms down or pull away because the position does leave you feeling quite vunerable. If she does try and pull away etc don't hurt her but hold her arms still, eye contact is a key thing especially as you will probably be looking down on her and I'm sure with the combo of holding her down and the eye contact she will soon hold still. Its what I do when Mr P does this to me anyway and I think its a fairly common domination technique.

I think a really good way to get her to talk about it more is while she is pinned down to quietly whisper in her ear. Ask her questions so that she has to arnswer back something along the lines of, "you want to be a slut for me don't you?" (sounds so silly written down). Even if she just arnswers with a yes you are getting a response and she is opening up a little. Can try moving onto asking her to descrbe exactly what she wants you to do to her or what she wants to do to you. If she says no she isn't enjoying it at any point back off carrying on could make her upset or turn off the idea completly and just ask why she didn't want to continue. I'm sure she will go bright red and feel all embaressed but that can be a good ice breaker and make you both laugh. It really should be fun and not all serious, too serious and she will feel intimidated in the wrong way

I think starting off with that could get her to open up a little more and get more comfortable with it and telling her just how sexy she looks and how horny its making you will help her feel less like shes the only one who wants it or getting kinky in the bedroom is something to be embaressed/ashamed of.

Could try moving onto spreding her legs with your knees and useing one hand to keep her arms above her head then you have a free hand that can go exploring She will be pretty immobile in that position like she would be if tied down so once she is comfortable with that you can move onto trying ropes etc but start off slow maybe just her hands tied together but all that needs to be done once she has gotten comfortable enough to talk about it.

The key thing with thsi is communication, getting her to tell you after what she liked or didn't etc so that you can both work out how far you want to take it. Do this straight after you have finished as she will probably be still worked up and feeling good and probably more likely to open up. Don't make it an interrigation though make it more about how much you enjoyed it and she will soon agree or disagree with what your saying

Edit: Like AlianMindsInc said this can be done while snuggled up after and yeah a guy going to bed straight after pisses me off something crazy! Makes it feel like they are done with you so can't be bothered to make any more effort. A really nice thing is something like a massage and I don't just mean the shoulders Aftercare can be errotic play as well not just a bit os snuggling.

All of this is what has worked for me and Mr P so will obviously need to tweek it for you two, I personally think even in a relationship that is already established its about building the trust. Being tied down can be scary so it has to be done by someone you feel totally safe and comfortable with in a dominating position. Good luck and just remember to keep it fun and safe

 

[Simplyme]

Sounds like you got some really good advice here. Hopefully it works for you guys I'd love to hear if you guys are able to progress past this point.

 

[sum1]

On the pinning her hands down thing you can then add a nice subtle piece of domination to the mix, you control the kiss. With you on top you can tease and control how long you kiss her for, you should be able to get her quite well worked up in this way.

That and it's fun.

I had a thought on if you want to start tyeing up. Rather than rope or cuffs or anything like that you could try a silk scarf or some such thing so that you can make it really really sensual and erotic.

Think real sensual stuff, blindfolds, strawberries....


was that a film or just an advert?

 

[devilguy]

Next time she is horney, Try using some hand cuffs, See how she enjoys it, If she likes it may next time use them again and gradualy tie her up

 

[Crunch]

I have the same problem, sorta, except for me its my fiance, I would love to be tied up and am willing to try it, but he always says he doesn't want to hurt me or is afraid of hurting me. I don't think being careful and trying out some light bondage would hurt me though.

 

[BeenThereDoneThat]

Next time she's fantasizing about bondage, suggest a code word that she can blurt out in the heat of the moment to let you know she's ready, willing & able to get into it. Think like a Boy Scout & be prepared...have some silk scarves, old pantyhose (a personal fave) or those cheap handcuffs tucked away under the bed so you can grab them at will. Worked for me

 

[Pandora]

This is a really great thread! There is so much great advice... you all are really super.

Thank you to tempered_sugar for suggesting that I read this one.

 

[yvonnewilcox]

Getting Started with Bondage

If you are truly interested in Bondage then you and your mate should talk about it first. In this initial conversation you should address what is acceptable and what is not.

After you have discussed your interest then you should look at bondage pictures on the internet and finally, rent or buy a Bondage DVD.

When you feel you are comfortable and ready to try the actual act, I suggest you read confessions of others to get the pros and cons before you take the big step.

 

[Dementyia]

Really great advice here, I'm glad I stumbled upon this thread.

Now to go talk to my mate.

 

[lulu]

Some woman do find it easier to talk about it in the heat of the moment, if this is the case then leave it at that, does it really need to be discussed any other time?

 

[Master_Emanon]

Some woman do find it easier to talk about it in the heat of the moment, if this is the case then leave it at that, does it really need to be discussed any other time?

Possibly, since some woman enjoy the feeling of being in restraints even without sexual intercourse, just that feeling of helplessness is very appealing to them

 

[Anjelen]

My personal favorite - either for use when my partner is too shy to discuss bondage outside of a sexual situation, as the O.P. describes, or when my sub needs to be very, very much aware of both my dominance and their 'predicament' - is to use bondless bondage.

A great position for this is 'doggie' - preferrably in a bed with a headboard (bars are best!) - tell them to place their hands on the top of the headboard. Do your thing - and stop as soon as they let go. Calmly replace their hands to where you want them to be, then continue; they'll get the idea, particularly when they're frustratedly begging you not to stop

for the more experienced partner or sub, you can heighten their awareness simply by having them keep their hands loose - laying them on the headboard rather than holding onto it - they'll have to find a way to remain constantly aware of what their hands are doing, or they usually -will- end up frustratedly begging me not to stop.

Additionally, in the O.P's case, i suggest - ridiculous as it may sound - to go to the nearest toy store and purchase a set of toy cuffs; they're light, and in all cases i've encountered, have a - pardon my language, english isn't my first - 'button' on a position the wearer can reach, wich will undo them easilly.
Size is less of an issue as you may think what with the tooth-catch design of most toy cuffs, and the quick-release will also come in handy in case of lost keys

 

[dwayne1477]

I have noticed that people in general do and say things in the heat of the moment and rarely want to talk about them aftwards, this makes the other party very confused. I would bring it up slightly, or perhaps just go with it. When she is in the mood again may be the perfect time.

 

[His_Einna]

Tempered Sugar has all the right ideas...I was horribly shy when my Dom and I first started, but I loved the idea of...well, the same thing; being tied up and used as a slut. But I was so ashamed and embarrassed talking about it. So most of our talk happened in the bedroom. Talking it through is the key, and holding her hands above her head is a really good way to start. Don't tie her up until you're both comfortable with the practical idea of her being restrained by your hands; knots or handcuffs take longer to get off than your own hands do.

The other trick to get her used to the Domination side of things is to make requests (in the guise of demands) of her...for instance, if she's hesitant about anal or oral sex or if she's bashful on top, tell her to do it. Push her, but just gently. "Don't you want to be a good little slut for me?" Works well as gentle persuasion, as does a hecuva lot of encouragement. A word to the wise; compliments work when she's on top (yes, a sub can be on top too ) and time/gentleness works when you're doing anal. I can't stress either of these points enough.

Another one is asking her to perform for you, but depending on how much of an exhibitionist she is depends on how effective this will be.

Hope it helps!

 

[linyliny]

I agree, start slowly and be gentle at first. Have a scarf ready hidden in the night stand, for when she acts ready. Good Luck!