Is it relatively easier to be a submissive?

[nina]

For me, these intense feelings of submission grew over a long period of time, and gradually I felt myself following more and questioning less. That's not to say that I didn't ask for clarifications or explanations, but they were needed less and less over time due to the amount of trust that had built up, and it led to me willing and asking for my limits to be pushed further and further. So maybe following blindly was the wrong choice of wording, but in actual fact I meant complete and utter trust and willing submission.

Gathering the rest of my thoughts...a bit deep of a deep topic for a Monday night!

I agree that with time and greater understanding of each other there is less and less need to ask for clarifications and the trust built up is solid. I have experienced something similar as a sub even wrt pushing limits.

However this is something I am yet to experience on the receiving end as a Domme as I haven't had the opportunity to Domme the same person for that long a period of time. Also my style and objective of dominance is somewhat different though I am still in a relatively preliminary stage of discovering my style when compared to by submission style. I do not believe in pushing limits further as of now but just expanding horizons and exploring curiosities at most. I am also more into the mental control aspect than the sexual/tasks aspect for now but something I am working on.

Indeed a deep discussion exhausting my neurons..lol

 

[nina]

In fact, I think where this idea comes form is the fact that most of the time, submissive are often new to exploring the kink and seek being guided or taken though the process by someone more experienced. This in itself encourages the Dom/me to be more mature in their outlook towards the relationship because they have a responsibility to both parties. What about if you have an experienced submissive and an inexperienced Dom/me? Well, it would require a flip in how both parties handle the relationship.

I have experienced the other way, where as a sub I guided someone else through the process, and it wasn’t nearly as effective. Is that because the dynamics were the wrong way round? Well…potentially. I suppose by virtue of a D/s relationship, you do kind of expect the Dom/me to have all the answers and to be the guiding force – could this be a wrong assumption of roles to make?

While trying to explain my stance I missed one argument you made. To the best of my interpretation you say that a common occurrence is that new subs look for guidance from someone experienced, and this kind of increases the burden of responsibility on the Dom/me but had both been equally experienced, would the burden of responsibility be the same or more shared. This is a very interesting outlook. I kind of agree as well as a disagree. I agree in the sense that the naiver the sub, the more they need to be spoon fed on possible vulnerabilities and also the more they can be guided.

However, my disagreement is that irrespective of individual experience levels, the assumption of roles is also due to the fact that it is power exchange and the Dom/me has power over the sub, greater the power, larger the responsibility. Also the fact that there is a limit to guiding/tutoring any other individual and even more so your dominant (apart from general education wrt kinks) as like submission means different to everyone, similarly domination also means something different to everyone and each individual generally wants to explore their unique style imo for now at least (though subject to change as I have damn good co-debaters )

 

[Doctor Pervert]

Wow, lots to catch up on here! Something I noticed that came up that wanted to touch on was the concept of one sided D/s relationships, specifically where the sub is giving little feedback.
Those that know me will be well aware that I am never one for brief messages, I always like to get to know everyone I play with even those on a very casual basis. I think this is vital to building good relationships, being aware of their everyday lives, not in specific detail but knowing schedules, living situation, commitments, etc allows for a much more realistic approach to domination.
If you are constantly having to refine, reschedule and put off tasks simply because the sub is not forthcoming about their real situation it can very quickly diminish the dominant role and make the relationship unworkable.
On the flip side a sub who expects their Dom to be 100% available to task them on their whim will also find this doesn't work either.

This also extends to the emotional aspects as well, like any relationship between 2 people if communication isn't a two way street it will break down. We all have times when we just aren't in the mood, or conversely may be super excited and needing to share something, just because this is bdsm doesn't mean that gets ignored.

For these reasons I think it is extremely important to be upfront about your intentions and expectations as early as possible in a new relationship, don't promise availability (emotionally and situationally) you don't have or can't commit to. Often in the heat of excitement it is easy to forget about this and over commit. This is something I see quite often in newbie subs who are so keen to get started they will ask for more and more until they become totally overwhelmed and then simply disappear.

So seems I slipped a bit off topic here but I think it is relevant given the discussions and also my point is that being a good Dom does require taking the lead in this and making sure the sub is aware of the importance of communication in building a good dynamic.

 

[dearelliot]

I understand your question is: Why are there more subs than doms, and is one easier than the other.
For 1 thing, I feel many more men are into the Sub/Dom play than women.
Although many ladies will consider that a light spanking is a fun prelude to sex, I don't view that as being a sub.
I'm not sure as many sub women want to be peed on, forced to lick the floor, made to perform distasteful acts, while many sub men find that play erotic.
For a woman not fully commited to a D/s relationship, being the Dom is easier. Especially during the punishment phase.
I have played both sides, and found few women to be real submissives when it comes to being abused, restrained and humiliated.
usually they just want to be used Sexually.

 

[J91]

Having had a little bit of time to reflect on this, I wanted to add some further thoughts.

However, my disagreement is that irrespective of individual experience levels, the assumption of roles is also due to the fact that it is power exchange and the Dom/me has power over the sub, greater the power, larger the responsibility. Also the fact that there is a limit to guiding/tutoring any other individual and even more so your dominant (apart from general education wrt kinks) as like submission means different to everyone, similarly domination also means something different to everyone and each individual generally wants to explore their unique style imo for now at least (though subject to change as I have damn good co-debaters )

I completely and utterly do agree with this, which is why I gather a lot of submissives do seek a more experienced Dominant. But it isn’t necessarily the case that this will always actually happen (which is where my original point came from), and actually, seeing as though there are a lot of Dom/me’s not necessarily understanding the role but ‘trying it out’ anyway. I suppose that any party in a relationship can take or not take as much responsibility as they wish, and more and more I am seeing that actually deciding to give that power to someone is extremely difficult if you have an inkling that they do not actually know how to positively use it in the dynamic. As you mentioned, everyone does has their own unique style – but these are most definitely subject to change.

This also extends to the emotional aspects as well, like any relationship between 2 people if communication isn't a two way street it will break down. We all have times when we just aren't in the mood, or conversely may be super excited and needing to share something, just because this is bdsm doesn't mean that gets ignored.

For these reasons I think it is extremely important to be upfront about your intentions and expectations as early as possible in a new relationship, don't promise availability (emotionally and situationally) you don't have or can't commit to.

I think this is key, particularly the emotional availability. It is hard to enter such an intense, mentally demanding, and sexual dynamic without there being some kind of emotional attachment or involvement as a result, and I do think that there are a lot of people that don’t understand that or necessarily expect it as a natural consequence of the relationship.

I have played both sides, and found few women to be real submissives when it comes to being abused, restrained and humiliated.
usually they just want to be used Sexually.

Ah but this is where we hit another point. Is being a 'real' submissive about being abused, restrained and humiliated? Or is it about willingly giving yourself, mentally and physically, to another. Remembering that a submissive can give as much or as little power to a Dominant that they wish.

I think that at the moment, to sum up, my thoughts are leading more towards a submissive role being more mentally demanding, but a Dominant having more responsibility.

 

[Doctor Pervert]

Ah but this is where we hit another point. Is being a 'real' submissive about being abused, restrained and humiliated? Or is it about willingly giving yourself, mentally and physically, to another. Remembering that a submissive can give as much or as little power to a Dominant that they wish.

Agreed!!!
This whole concept of being a "real" submissive is nonsense. As with most things the word describes a range, simply because someone is say a bedroom submissive and only likes to be told what to do sexually doesn't make them less real than any other. There are extreme, masochistic submissives and gentle baby girl submissives, bratty submissives, dirty submissives and pleasure submissives.
A submissive who is into being "abused, restrained and humiliated" is another, and while I personally know a lot that enjoy being restrained most of those are not that into humiliation and very few into abuse but I can assure you they are most certainly all "real" submissives.
As J91 has noted submission is primarily about the mental aspect of giving yourself, the way this is then actuated into the physical is almost irrelevant.

Sorry got off topic again but really needed to jump in and rant about that!

 

[kristina79]

now ive read everything and my take on it
im a retired teacher i stepped into teaching straight after high school i have always had the authority figure cast over me till i guess i retired but that authority figure got cast into home life as well ( husband does travel a bit for work ) groups and so forth i am in also people look at me as there leader i would say
but behind close doors i just dont really want to take the lead , and i guess to the leaser extent i never really wanted it ,
for me and i can only cast my opinion on this
the dominate has to gain ones trust because (again this is only me ) you not only are taking the submissive body actions but their mind as well their thoughts actions the lot ,
now i feel the younger Dom want the quick dom/sub action and for me (again this is my thoughts) i need the long winded relationship,
i may not be in contact ( talking internet relations here ) becuase life so forth get in the way but this dosnt mean we are not participating in tasks/acts we have been told to perform
this could be the younger generation thing where everything nowadays is on there phone instant access to anything and everything they want
and maybe lost the art of mental domination



i dont know really
i maybe way of the reservation with my thoughts

 

[oddjobber]

i'm on the fence with which is "easier." i think it depends on the definition of easy. As a sub its easier to let someone else come up with the rules and the tasks and be the creative one...but its also harder to follow thru and have the self discipline to complete and adhere to rules (speaking in a purely online only D/s sense.)

but as a Dom it also can be easier to just have to type and not perform..yes, the creaticitu needs to be there to keep things fresh but the esier part is being able to delegate the tasks and see results. but the hard part is of course coming up with the plan.

so i suppose its really a matter of "you get out what you put in" tyoe of thing...if easy is lazy then there you go..but if ur comitted to it then it being hard is what you define and what really makes it fun.

 

[kristina79]

from another point too just reading @oddjobber post
as a sub female and i find it often
this isnt the first platform i have reached out on
but sub females tend to get pulled in every direction by doms to try and act or prove them selves to please said dom
now in the heat of battle one could say
one tends to forget to take pictures or film themselves or etc
and for me also
Im MARRIED i have adult children i have friends etc i do not want to end up on the internet
now i know you get the " i swear i promise no one will see but me"
but i have so much to loose for say a doms " 5 sec of glory " and i know not all doms are like this
but sometime to have to put yourself in the sub shoes for a sec and think yeah maybe that is pushing it to far
i dont know thats my thoughts
i have done some things here and shown way more then i intended to do in the first place
again im rambling but you get my take on it
the dom kind of sits there and really has nothing to loose where the sub has everything to loose in posting pics on this internet thing

 

[Doctor Pervert]

from another point too just reading @oddjobber post
as a sub female and i find it often
this isnt the first platform i have reached out on
but sub females tend to get pulled in every direction by doms to try and act or prove them selves to please said dom
now in the heat of battle one could say
one tends to forget to take pictures or film themselves or etc
and for me also
Im MARRIED i have adult children i have friends etc i do not want to end up on the internet
now i know you get the " i swear i promise no one will see but me"
but i have so much to loose for say a doms " 5 sec of glory " and i know not all doms are like this
but sometime to have to put yourself in the sub shoes for a sec and think yeah maybe that is pushing it to far
i dont know thats my thoughts
i have done some things here and shown way more then i intended to do in the first place
again im rambling but you get my take on it
the dom kind of sits there and really has nothing to loose where the sub has everything to loose in posting pics on this internet thing

This is good point and has been discussed in a lot of detail in several older threads. Maybe read this one then start looking in the ones about verification which have other tips on staying anonymous.

Photos, yes or no?

This is a subject that I think needs a lot of discussion as there are a whole bunch of different aspects to the whole photo story. First up is the old "photo as proof" concept. Now for me I have never been one to demand photos from subs, they are nice if they offer but not a requirement...

www.kinktalk.com

 

[kristina79]

im happy to do such thing with in reason
sorry flustered right now
but from my point of view i actually loose the monument the flow of the situation im in
(maybe because im shit scarred of being found out ) as ive said i have a LOT to loose
you will find with me im SO SO much more mind fuck me and ill drop like a furry kitten and surrender
but i am open to it dont get me wrong which i have done so already

but the constant take this pic take that pic kind of makes me walk away
i do what i do if i say i do it
if you want proof im doing 10 million little things every sec of my day
then im not that woman

 

[Doctor Pervert]

im happy to do such thing with in reason
sorry flustered right now
but from my point of view i actually loose the monument the flow of the situation im in
(maybe because im shit scarred of being found out ) as ive said i have a LOT to loose
you will find with me im SO SO much more mind fuck me and ill drop like a furry kitten and surrender
but i am open to it dont get me wrong which i have done so already

but the constant take this pic take that pic kind of makes me walk away
i do what i do if i say i do it
if you want proof im doing 10 million little things every sec of my day
then im not that woman

Oh absolutely, I agree it often spoils the flow and interferes with the mind games because as you say this is so much a mental thing that having that head space is essential.
We have slipped a bit off topic here, although I guess it is something subs tend to have to do that Doms' usually don't...

 

[kristina79]

@dutchjustme i agree with you i totally do ,
my point was , i guess , sometimes i just "huff" and say really again ...
the stop reporting thing i cant answer really once someone gets there hooks into me and in my mind i find it hard to escape
as i like mind games and if i let you into my life that means you play a wicked mind game
it tough it really is
i SEE both sides of the story line for all parties involved
i guess everyone has to find that happy medium that all in sundry are happy with it