5 months later "I just don't want to Dom you."


Not so kinky
  • Straight
  • Female
  • Submissive
Oct 3, 2018
So I met a guy and we really hit it off so we started going on dates (this went on for about 8months) and I was new to my interest in kink and just before we got together I decided it was a conversation that needed to happen so I brought it up and was reassured that not only was he interested in quite a bit of what I was but that he had been in past relationships that involved kink. We officially started dating the next day.
The relationship started moving really quick and we were living together within a month and had a lot of fun in the honey moon stage with lots of sex but nothing all that kinky I didn't mind this though it was my first time in a Kink relationship and we had a roommate that would sometimes be home.
After a while though I wanted more and even bought us ropes (in his favorite color) and other things to encourage the idea I was wanting to do more.
5 to 6 months into the relationship we moved cross country together and have a place of our own but we still weren't doing any of the things we had talked about and he was putting me in dominant positions more and more till I finally got frustrated. I told him I was a sub from the beginning, and didn't enjoy being put on top like that all the time and when he wouldn't be strait with me I got petty and said something like "I think you lied to me, I don't think you are a dom!" to which he replied "I didn't lie in all my past relationships I was the dom but with you it's different. I'm not sure why but I want you to be in control." I was dumb founded.
We are still together (have been for almost a year) and he has given in once and played the way I wanted to and suggested interest of doing it again. He enjoyed my reaction but I fear that was all. He didn't enjoy being my dom so much as just the fact I liked the sex more.....
How do I go about this? I'm not unhappy with my relationship I don't even mind being dom every few sessions. I really love him, but this is not what I signed up for and now find I'm in a relationship where my partner is fully satisfied but I am not. I don't know if I should keep encouraging him to try new things maybe he just hasn't found what works for us yet? I don't have high hopes for that though and he only wants monogamist relationships, a sentiment I shared until I fell in love with him now I'm a little sad it's not an option. Does anyone have any advise or maybe went through something similar? I'm just not sure what else I can do?
We have talked about it and I feel like maybe there's something he's holding back maybe a bad past experience and he's afraid of hurting me. He really is a sweet guy, and it's not like he doesn't want me or to make me happy but I can't ask him to be something he not just as I can't be something I'm not. Should I settle for a vanilla sex life, I wouldn't be unhappy just, not as happy as I could be.


Kinky Newbie
  • Straight
  • Male
  • Dominant
Sep 26, 2018
Im sorry for you. Sounds like a very nasty spot to be caught up in.

If you feel like he is holding back for some reason maybe its worth pushing to see if you can uncover it.

If not, i have seen quite a few people where they didnt match in terms of kinks, so the more perverted one would get their fix online. Either in a written only arrangement, or even turning the male into a total cuck. I guess this depends on how deep are your desires and how he would feel about them. Tho i would approach such a situation very carefully. If he indeed likes to be dominated by you, i guess you could abuse it and just tell him you will be doing this, but that's a very extreme stance that i wouldn't recommend. Although also holding back, he wouldnt be turned into a sub, he would be vanilla or maybe just less rough. A dom is a dom. Maybe he is mostly a switch considering the past relationships and he is just getting his fix of being dominated and will revert back to being the dominator. This again would have to be openly discussed as it is hard to assess and individual from the outside.

Best of luck ;)


Omnipotent Grand Vizier
  • Straight
  • Male
  • Dominant
Staff member
May 19, 2013
Perth WA
Being dom, sub or switch, is kinda like being gay straight or bi*, its something you are not something you choose. Sounds to me like your bf may be a switch and with you for some reason he feels mostly sub.
The bad news is that this is unlikely to change and as for you settling for vanilla when you are craving kink, its never a good thing to have a craving for something you aren't getting with your current partner. We all know where that ends up.

You absolutely did the right thing discussing it first and since you seem to have been keeping this open dialogue going let him know exactly how you feel. What may work is that he can in effect role play at being a dom for you as often as possible. This might be kind of forced acting the role but if he truly is switch it shouldn't be that difficult for him.
One way to approach this is to set up bdsm scene nights (or days) where you prepare in advance and lay out all your bondage stuff ready. Perhaps even have a submissive outfit or pose that will be his cue to switch into Dom mode and take over.

I wish you the best of luck!

*(apologies to poly, trans and other non-sis folks for not including them in the list at the start but it spoils my analogy to add you all)