BDSM & Mental Health

Fiery Bird

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Dec 3, 2020
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I have always wondered about our Lifestyle and mental health. How are those who have mental disorders able to have a rich and satisfying experience short and long term?

This is a topic I rarely see proper discussion about and I guess it is because mental health is something people generally shy away from. In our world though, I personally do not think we can be so blasé. Or maybe I do not have access to such information in which case I would appreciate helpful information.

If you have experience about this, I would love to hear from you.
 
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beof95

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I have no actual experience regarding to this topic but I have seen a couple on tiktok that use this dynamic to help the sub with her eating disorder (as the dom makes sure that she eats on time and the right amount) and her social anxiety (by doing tiktok videos and by beeing her pillar of support and the decision maker in social situations)
 
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nina

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If I interpret your topic correctly, it is how someone can have a healthy bdsm experience inspite of mental health issues rather than bdsm being used as a coping mechanism for mental health issues.

I feel bdsm does involve more intense emotions than regular life and if someone is already emotionally vulnerable or has rejection issues or other past trauma, it is quite possible for them to go through extreme feelings of attachment, detachment, recall of past trauma etc. These can either have a positive or negative impact on different individuals and often communication between the two parties determines how it impacts them.

Striking a balance between your bdsm avatar and your regular life is important so that one aspect does not take over your mind and soul completely.

Also if it's a dominant with prior mental health issues, it is extremely important to make sure they are sound enough to keep bdsm safe, sane and consensual and not become abuse.

Finally, my two cents, irrespective of mental health issues, individuals who radiate optimism and positivity are always good to hang out with.
 
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subzzzero

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Ok so I can speak from experience with some past subs. I’m not sure what one defines as mental disorders but I’ll give it a go on what I’ve been through. So a few dif subs have had very bad PTSD from past negative life experiences mostly abuse in a physical mental or sexual form. I did lots of research in those areas of focus when I met the first sub who had it. So it’s hard at first because as you’re trying to learn all you can about one another you also have to do this bit of focused learning and research as well. It in turn would get me asking questions to help narrow down the what, when, why. Sometimes I can’t go as detailed or deep as I need since it’s a negative trauma for them to speak on. But I try to get as much info as I can to be the best educated about their specific situation. For example one had a major trigger on anyone touching or grabbing her neck. This was due to a bad sexual abuse experience. If it was touched or grabbed accidentally she would gasp for air, freeze up, close her eyes and start grabbing for her neck almost as if in a deep trance. Within 2-10 minutes she would come to again and have no clue what happened. This was scary for her as she basically time traveled and that compounded the situation further. She couldn’t see dentist or doctors that would do it. She asked for help changing how it all worked. Over time we worked on it with little baby steps. First talking about it all then soft single touches. I told her to take the my hand and touch the back of it to her neck as she felt comfortable. This way she knew I couldn’t grab her (Not that I would). Next she would hold it there longer. Her always in control. Eventually it lead to me doing it myself with her hand on mine but not controlling me if she motioned or pulled I would immediately stop. Further along it became I could wrap my hand around her neck fully but no squeeze pressure. Again her hand always there. Over a years time we got to her final goal of grabbing it tight simulating choking without her hand there at all. ( the safe way not the crush the wind pipe way). This allowed her to “take back the power” as she put it. This neck issue was no longer her past abusers power, she had transformed it into a pleasureable thing for herself. This allowed her to see doctors and dentists again with no fear or triggering when they needed to touch her neck.
This is one example. I’ll add some more as I have time.

Other subs cases I have experienced have been anxiety, depression, bi polar, manic, gender dysphoria, eating disorders, self harm. Im sure I’m missing some.
 
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Fiery Bird

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Dec 3, 2020
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Many thanks for your replies.

Yes Nina your first guess is correct. It is how those with mental health issues can have healthy BDSM experiences and lives. Like I said this particular issue is usually not talked about and it should be because it is extremely very important. To begin with, mental health is a topic that people generally shy away from and it has a lot of misinformation, ridicule, stigma and in some places, taboo that surround it. And yet millions of people all over the world are living with one mental health issue or the other. Some of these people with the limited reading resources out there, might think it is impossible to have a life in this Lifestyle.

I’m glad to see that there are those like Subzero that are not put off by mental health challenges and are rather patient and understanding. That is what it comes down to isn’t it? Being able to find the right person that won’t be put off by such things and be ready to understand and support. Of course such people are not meant to take up the role of psychologists or psychotherapists. Awareness, knowledge and support are what’s needed.

Looking deeper into this though, do you think it might be easier for a Dominant to have a submissive/slave that has mental health issues rather than the other way around? Can submissives/slaves cope with a Dominant that for example has an anxiety disorder? Or major depressive disorder? What about bipolar disorder? And the list goes on. As Nina rightly pointed out, would they feel safe with them until they’ve been properly ascertained to be sound to prevent abuse?

Another question is how can both sides make sure they get what they need from their relationship?

I would love to hear more from those with experience. I would particularly like to hear from submissives that have had or currently have a D/s dynamic with a Dominant that has mental health issues.

I would also love to hear more from you Subzero about your other experiences when you have the time.
 
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little masochist

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I am bipolar 1, with major depression disorder.

I have found a counselor (through years of research and questions along the way) an actual counselor that specializes in BDSM and mental health.
Love the woman. She’s down to earth and understands the two dynamics as two separate issues.
I had a really difficult time relying on my Dominant for that emotional support. Yes, he is in charge of me and who I am in the dynamic ...but he is not responsible of my mind and how I feel outside our dynamic.

I belong to him. Everything about me. But he is not responsible for the many different aspects of broken synapses in my brain. He is not my daily pill. He is my center, my rock. But when I break due to a mental episode, it’s not his fault. That’s when I call on my therapist.

I truly hope that made sense...
 

Fiery Bird

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little masochist, it makes a lot of sense. Your Dominant is not your therapist so it’s not his job to help you out that way when you have your episodes. All he can do is to support you as best as he can. Can I ask what your dynamic with him is? Is he your Master and are you in a 24/7? The reason why I ask is that you say he’s not in charge of you outside your dynamic. And also dynamics matter especially when it comes to those with mental health issues. Is it for example possible for submissives and slaves with serious mental health issues to have a 24/7 dynamic with every aspect of their lives controlled? Can you see why I’m curious enough to ask and how things work out for you guys so as to help others learn?

And I never knew it was possible to find a therapist that specializes in BDSM and mental health. That’s like finding a holy grail! However did you manage that? Was your search online, real time or both? How can someone else gain access to this too?

Many thanks for your reply little masochist and for being so open with it. It is never easy to discuss sensitive things even if one is anonymous. I look forward to hearing more from you.
 

little masochist

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The two dynamics are mental health vs BDSM

it was so odd how I found her. Where I am from.. it’s a “small-ish” community.. there is one counseling center that caters to lower income brackets.

when I went to see her for the first time, it was like.....a draw, if that makes sense. It was weeks before I could talk about my Sadist. Because people, especially counselors, are wary about the need to be sexually humiliated, physically hurt, not to mention the emotional turmoil from that high after sessions and the low when that space comes to a conclusion. Anyway

she listened to me talking about my Sadist and literally, her head tipped.

“Mary, what are you saying here. Do you know what you’re doing”

and it took off from there. It was so wild...
 
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little masochist

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Can I ask what your dynamic with him is? Is he your Master and are you in a 24/7? The reason why I ask is that you say he’s not in charge of you outside your dynamic. And also dynamics matter especially when it comes to those with mental health issues. Is it for example possible for submissives and slaves with serious mental health issues to have a 24/7 dynamic with every aspect of their lives controlled?

my dynamic with my Sadist.. it’s a complicated question you ask. How do I explain this.

he would want me on an even ground before he and I can “resume”. Does that make sense? When I go see my counselor, I come home, he and I discuss whatever he wishes then we can move on. He can always tell where I am on the emotional ladder. He is very in tune with me. When I’m feeling “crazy”, he chooses to be near me but not in that M/s norm. We touch on a friend plane with the M/s undertone.

yes, we are 24/7. He makes the decisions, always. The ONlY time I am allowed to let down are the days he feels I need some quiet time.
It’s good I am controlled. I need strict guidelines and no gray area for any rule breaking.

It works for us..
 
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Fiery Bird

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Dec 3, 2020
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It does make sense little masochist and it is as it should be. He cannot be a good Dominant for you if he does not realize what you need when you’re down and it is certainly not full on BDSM elements but some TLC. How so fortunate you are that you have him and also that you have that wonderful counselor of yours.

Thank you for taking the time to reply and shed more light. Some people reading this may have been given some measure of hope.
 

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