Feelings around BDSM advice/support needed

BornToBe_Slutty

Verified
  • Bisexual
  • Female
  • Submissive
Dec 28, 2015
124
235
43
Hey guys,

I’m not sure if this is the right place to put this – if it’s not I apologise. I’m looking for some advice, I think, or someone who maybe feels the same way I feel or has gone through what I’m going through. This is me opening up and being vulnerable, so please be kind. It might be a long one, so sorry in advance.

I just want to put a trigger warning that this post may include talks of trauma, so if you aren’t in a position to talk about such things, I’d recommend not reading past here.

As some of you know I’ve been around for a long time. I started the borntobe_slutty handle back in 2015 when I was just 19/20 years old. I was highly active on kik, snapchat, tumblr and here – all over the place really. I created this world where I felt like I could explore my interests and be myself. I know few people in my personal life who are as hypersexual as I am, or willing to talk about such things, so finding the kink community was welcoming and wholesome to me. Emerging into my submissive/slave role felt so natural to me, and still does and it made (makes) me happy.

In 2019 I started trauma therapy, and I never really connected my past experiences to my role in the kink world. I knew that I had “issues”, and there were some connections, but not like the links I was making with my therapist. This made me start to feel guilty, ashamed, and confused about my sexuality, my sexual preferences and what I enjoyed. We talked about how some survivors cope by “sexually acting out” which is basically sexual behaviours which help keep the hurt, feelings and trauma at bay. We explored my emersion into BDSM as maybe a way of me trying to cope with the trauma and abuse I experienced.

All of a sudden submission, this thing that I enjoy, feels dirty and shameful. I’m battling with myself between enjoying being submissive and feeling like I shouldn’t be because of where this may have stemmed from. I flit between being online, active and talking to just disappearing and ghosting the friends I have made through this when the shame and guilt becomes too much for me to handle (if you’re reading this, I’m sorry and I miss you!). I never felt ashamed of what I like sexually until therapy, and now I somewhat hate myself for what I’m doing and liking what I like. I feel like maybe this internal battle and hating myself for liking BDSM is yet another way I’m punishing myself the abuse I endured (I have this whole, “I was only a kid but it was my fault” thing that I’m still working through).

Anyway, the reason I’m posting this is because I was wondering if anyone else has felt a similar way to me? Like, am I alone in this? Or does someone else understand the internal battle I’m going through. My therapist went on maternity leave in 2020 and isn’t coming back so it’s not something I can work through with her. I don’t want to suppress my submissive side, I just want to know if anyone has any advice on managing and overcoming these feelings. Maybe someone who’s been there to offer some words on encouragement? I don’t know

If you’ve read this far, thank you – I appreciate all the help/advice I could get!

Borntobe_slutty
 

DominantHacker

Kinky Newbie
  • Straight
  • Male
  • Dominant
Sep 12, 2021
1
0
1
53
Hello, BornToBe_Slutty. I'd say, and hopefully your therapist did as well, that there is nothing wrong. The person you are is shaped by your experiences. The trauma may or may not have made you more disposed to being submissive. It is likely something you will never know for sure. But that's beside the point I'm trying to make.

Noone can ever tell you that what you are feeling is wrong. If you feel guilty, then the guilt needs to be addressed, not suppressed.. in the same way your BDSM interests should not be suppressed. But too many people end up badly going that way. Talking about it can help, so it's good that you are reaching out.

I had a lot of anxiety about my desires, which among other things is humiliation play and genital torture. Externally, I'm fairly liberal and support equal rights. Internally (and online here), I'm very misogynistic. It's a battle to keep the two from interfering. For example, working with an attractive woman and stopping myself from call her "cunt" in normal conversation or keeping from imagining what her face would look like as I'm putting a clamp on her clit. Did I have "I hate mommy" issues? I've found that it doesn't matter so much where it came from. It matters how I feel about the person I wish to torment (and love) and how that person will feel about me and my desires.

For you, one possible path to start is to separate the sexuality from the submission. Submit to non-sexual tasks.. is that satisfying for what you need (to start), is that dirty? Similarly, do you feel the same guilt with vanilla sex? I wouldn't expect either to be utterly satisfying, but the idea would be to see what triggers the guilt.

There are also a large number of abused that embrace their trauma in their sexuality. Using the humiliation and shame to enhance their sexual encounters. There are even communities with this in mind (like CNC play).

One question to ask yourself... how do you feel about integrating the guilty and dirty feelings with your sexuality?

The one thing I will leave you with is to associating with people that will respect you. If you do want to try to integrate your guilt with your sexuality, make sure that find someone that _will_ stop when it gets too much, either by safe word or themselves identifying when the session has gone too far. Aside from that, talk about your trauma with your partner(s), so they understand if things go south.

(Stating the obvious: ) The trauma has occurred, you can't do anything about fact. Find people that aren't going to judge you (as you seem to have been judging yourself). That can help you deal this new rift more than anything, I believe.

I doubt that any of this rambling helps, but I hope that it can.
 

subzzzero

Kink Talk Addict
  • Straight
  • Male
  • Dominant
Dec 6, 2015
706
424
63
There are such thing as kink friendly kink educated counselors therapists etc. just have to ask around as you’re seeking out a new one. A local sub of mine had major past abuse traumas and finding a therapist who was bdsm friendly was a huge help for her. We also used kink as a way for her to take back the power if that makes sense. It’s in a prior post of mine on here somewhere. But short version we used choking play and Cnc to take the power from the abuse that happened years ago and turn it into enjoyable outlets for her. Helping her heal more so. Again my prior post had lots of details. If I can find it in the sea of past ones I’ll link it for ya.
With regards to feeling bad about it all as if it’s connected to a bad start reason...... don’t dwell in that. If what you’re doing now makes you happy. It doesn’t matter where it came from and what it’s start was. The things you do now are controlled and SSC. that is nothing like the abuse you received times prior. So don’t let it hold that power over you. Enjoy the things you enjoy and keep living life.
 
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Merlin

Moderator
  • Straight
  • Male
  • Dominant
Staff member
Jan 9, 2008
157
49
28
Yeah, was about to write the same , to maybe look out for a kink friendly councilor/psychologist.
And work through these things with some help :)
 

ViggenDom

Senior Kink Talk Member
  • Straight
  • Male
  • Dominant
Mar 11, 2017
123
86
28
Hey guys,

I’m not sure if this is the right place to put this – if it’s not I apologise. I’m looking for some advice, I think, or someone who maybe feels the same way I feel or has gone through what I’m going through. This is me opening up and being vulnerable, so please be kind. It might be a long one, so sorry in advance.

I just want to put a trigger warning that this post may include talks of trauma, so if you aren’t in a position to talk about such things, I’d recommend not reading past here.

As some of you know I’ve been around for a long time. I started the borntobe_slutty handle back in 2015 when I was just 19/20 years old. I was highly active on kik, snapchat, tumblr and here – all over the place really. I created this world where I felt like I could explore my interests and be myself. I know few people in my personal life who are as hypersexual as I am, or willing to talk about such things, so finding the kink community was welcoming and wholesome to me. Emerging into my submissive/slave role felt so natural to me, and still does and it made (makes) me happy.

In 2019 I started trauma therapy, and I never really connected my past experiences to my role in the kink world. I knew that I had “issues”, and there were some connections, but not like the links I was making with my therapist. This made me start to feel guilty, ashamed, and confused about my sexuality, my sexual preferences and what I enjoyed. We talked about how some survivors cope by “sexually acting out” which is basically sexual behaviours which help keep the hurt, feelings and trauma at bay. We explored my emersion into BDSM as maybe a way of me trying to cope with the trauma and abuse I experienced.

All of a sudden submission, this thing that I enjoy, feels dirty and shameful. I’m battling with myself between enjoying being submissive and feeling like I shouldn’t be because of where this may have stemmed from. I flit between being online, active and talking to just disappearing and ghosting the friends I have made through this when the shame and guilt becomes too much for me to handle (if you’re reading this, I’m sorry and I miss you!). I never felt ashamed of what I like sexually until therapy, and now I somewhat hate myself for what I’m doing and liking what I like. I feel like maybe this internal battle and hating myself for liking BDSM is yet another way I’m punishing myself the abuse I endured (I have this whole, “I was only a kid but it was my fault” thing that I’m still working through).

Anyway, the reason I’m posting this is because I was wondering if anyone else has felt a similar way to me? Like, am I alone in this? Or does someone else understand the internal battle I’m going through. My therapist went on maternity leave in 2020 and isn’t coming back so it’s not something I can work through with her. I don’t want to suppress my submissive side, I just want to know if anyone has any advice on managing and overcoming these feelings. Maybe someone who’s been there to offer some words on encouragement? I don’t know

If you’ve read this far, thank you – I appreciate all the help/advice I could get!

Borntobe_slutty
Hi stranger

I have been very worried about you, being one of our ghosted friends on kik :) Glad to hear you are still about. As somebody has said previosuly it may be worth looking for a therapist who is maybe more kink aware and acceptable to it. The therapist may have issues themselves with kink and there could be some transference going on.
 

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