Feelings around BDSM advice/support needed

BornToBe_Slutty

Verified
  • Bisexual
  • Female
  • Submissive
Dec 28, 2015
142
122
43
Hey guys,

I’m not sure if this is the right place to put this – if it’s not I apologise. I’m looking for some advice, I think, or someone who maybe feels the same way I feel or has gone through what I’m going through. This is me opening up and being vulnerable, so please be kind. It might be a long one, so sorry in advance.

I just want to put a trigger warning that this post may include talks of trauma, so if you aren’t in a position to talk about such things, I’d recommend not reading past here.

As some of you know I’ve been around for a long time. I started the borntobe_slutty handle back in 2015 when I was just 19/20 years old. I was highly active on kik, snapchat, tumblr and here – all over the place really. I created this world where I felt like I could explore my interests and be myself. I know few people in my personal life who are as hypersexual as I am, or willing to talk about such things, so finding the kink community was welcoming and wholesome to me. Emerging into my submissive/slave role felt so natural to me, and still does and it made (makes) me happy.

In 2019 I started trauma therapy, and I never really connected my past experiences to my role in the kink world. I knew that I had “issues”, and there were some connections, but not like the links I was making with my therapist. This made me start to feel guilty, ashamed, and confused about my sexuality, my sexual preferences and what I enjoyed. We talked about how some survivors cope by “sexually acting out” which is basically sexual behaviours which help keep the hurt, feelings and trauma at bay. We explored my emersion into BDSM as maybe a way of me trying to cope with the trauma and abuse I experienced.

All of a sudden submission, this thing that I enjoy, feels dirty and shameful. I’m battling with myself between enjoying being submissive and feeling like I shouldn’t be because of where this may have stemmed from. I flit between being online, active and talking to just disappearing and ghosting the friends I have made through this when the shame and guilt becomes too much for me to handle (if you’re reading this, I’m sorry and I miss you!). I never felt ashamed of what I like sexually until therapy, and now I somewhat hate myself for what I’m doing and liking what I like. I feel like maybe this internal battle and hating myself for liking BDSM is yet another way I’m punishing myself the abuse I endured (I have this whole, “I was only a kid but it was my fault” thing that I’m still working through).

Anyway, the reason I’m posting this is because I was wondering if anyone else has felt a similar way to me? Like, am I alone in this? Or does someone else understand the internal battle I’m going through. My therapist went on maternity leave in 2020 and isn’t coming back so it’s not something I can work through with her. I don’t want to suppress my submissive side, I just want to know if anyone has any advice on managing and overcoming these feelings. Maybe someone who’s been there to offer some words on encouragement? I don’t know

If you’ve read this far, thank you – I appreciate all the help/advice I could get!

Borntobe_slutty
 

DominantHacker

Kinky Newbie
  • Straight
  • Male
  • Dominant
Sep 12, 2021
1
1
3
53
Hello, BornToBe_Slutty. I'd say, and hopefully your therapist did as well, that there is nothing wrong. The person you are is shaped by your experiences. The trauma may or may not have made you more disposed to being submissive. It is likely something you will never know for sure. But that's beside the point I'm trying to make.

Noone can ever tell you that what you are feeling is wrong. If you feel guilty, then the guilt needs to be addressed, not suppressed.. in the same way your BDSM interests should not be suppressed. But too many people end up badly going that way. Talking about it can help, so it's good that you are reaching out.

I had a lot of anxiety about my desires, which among other things is humiliation play and genital torture. Externally, I'm fairly liberal and support equal rights. Internally (and online here), I'm very misogynistic. It's a battle to keep the two from interfering. For example, working with an attractive woman and stopping myself from call her "cunt" in normal conversation or keeping from imagining what her face would look like as I'm putting a clamp on her clit. Did I have "I hate mommy" issues? I've found that it doesn't matter so much where it came from. It matters how I feel about the person I wish to torment (and love) and how that person will feel about me and my desires.

For you, one possible path to start is to separate the sexuality from the submission. Submit to non-sexual tasks.. is that satisfying for what you need (to start), is that dirty? Similarly, do you feel the same guilt with vanilla sex? I wouldn't expect either to be utterly satisfying, but the idea would be to see what triggers the guilt.

There are also a large number of abused that embrace their trauma in their sexuality. Using the humiliation and shame to enhance their sexual encounters. There are even communities with this in mind (like CNC play).

One question to ask yourself... how do you feel about integrating the guilty and dirty feelings with your sexuality?

The one thing I will leave you with is to associating with people that will respect you. If you do want to try to integrate your guilt with your sexuality, make sure that find someone that _will_ stop when it gets too much, either by safe word or themselves identifying when the session has gone too far. Aside from that, talk about your trauma with your partner(s), so they understand if things go south.

(Stating the obvious: ) The trauma has occurred, you can't do anything about fact. Find people that aren't going to judge you (as you seem to have been judging yourself). That can help you deal this new rift more than anything, I believe.

I doubt that any of this rambling helps, but I hope that it can.
 
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subzzzero

Kink Talk Guru
  • Straight
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  • Dominant
Dec 6, 2015
1,027
616
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There are such thing as kink friendly kink educated counselors therapists etc. just have to ask around as you’re seeking out a new one. A local sub of mine had major past abuse traumas and finding a therapist who was bdsm friendly was a huge help for her. We also used kink as a way for her to take back the power if that makes sense. It’s in a prior post of mine on here somewhere. But short version we used choking play and Cnc to take the power from the abuse that happened years ago and turn it into enjoyable outlets for her. Helping her heal more so. Again my prior post had lots of details. If I can find it in the sea of past ones I’ll link it for ya.
With regards to feeling bad about it all as if it’s connected to a bad start reason...... don’t dwell in that. If what you’re doing now makes you happy. It doesn’t matter where it came from and what it’s start was. The things you do now are controlled and SSC. that is nothing like the abuse you received times prior. So don’t let it hold that power over you. Enjoy the things you enjoy and keep living life.
 

Merlin

Moderator
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  • Dominant
Staff member
Jan 9, 2008
210
94
28
Yeah, was about to write the same , to maybe look out for a kink friendly councilor/psychologist.
And work through these things with some help :)
 
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ViggenDom

Senior Kink Talk Member
  • Straight
  • Male
  • Dominant
Mar 11, 2017
134
97
28
Hey guys,

I’m not sure if this is the right place to put this – if it’s not I apologise. I’m looking for some advice, I think, or someone who maybe feels the same way I feel or has gone through what I’m going through. This is me opening up and being vulnerable, so please be kind. It might be a long one, so sorry in advance.

I just want to put a trigger warning that this post may include talks of trauma, so if you aren’t in a position to talk about such things, I’d recommend not reading past here.

As some of you know I’ve been around for a long time. I started the borntobe_slutty handle back in 2015 when I was just 19/20 years old. I was highly active on kik, snapchat, tumblr and here – all over the place really. I created this world where I felt like I could explore my interests and be myself. I know few people in my personal life who are as hypersexual as I am, or willing to talk about such things, so finding the kink community was welcoming and wholesome to me. Emerging into my submissive/slave role felt so natural to me, and still does and it made (makes) me happy.

In 2019 I started trauma therapy, and I never really connected my past experiences to my role in the kink world. I knew that I had “issues”, and there were some connections, but not like the links I was making with my therapist. This made me start to feel guilty, ashamed, and confused about my sexuality, my sexual preferences and what I enjoyed. We talked about how some survivors cope by “sexually acting out” which is basically sexual behaviours which help keep the hurt, feelings and trauma at bay. We explored my emersion into BDSM as maybe a way of me trying to cope with the trauma and abuse I experienced.

All of a sudden submission, this thing that I enjoy, feels dirty and shameful. I’m battling with myself between enjoying being submissive and feeling like I shouldn’t be because of where this may have stemmed from. I flit between being online, active and talking to just disappearing and ghosting the friends I have made through this when the shame and guilt becomes too much for me to handle (if you’re reading this, I’m sorry and I miss you!). I never felt ashamed of what I like sexually until therapy, and now I somewhat hate myself for what I’m doing and liking what I like. I feel like maybe this internal battle and hating myself for liking BDSM is yet another way I’m punishing myself the abuse I endured (I have this whole, “I was only a kid but it was my fault” thing that I’m still working through).

Anyway, the reason I’m posting this is because I was wondering if anyone else has felt a similar way to me? Like, am I alone in this? Or does someone else understand the internal battle I’m going through. My therapist went on maternity leave in 2020 and isn’t coming back so it’s not something I can work through with her. I don’t want to suppress my submissive side, I just want to know if anyone has any advice on managing and overcoming these feelings. Maybe someone who’s been there to offer some words on encouragement? I don’t know

If you’ve read this far, thank you – I appreciate all the help/advice I could get!

Borntobe_slutty
Hi stranger

I have been very worried about you, being one of our ghosted friends on kik :) Glad to hear you are still about. As somebody has said previosuly it may be worth looking for a therapist who is maybe more kink aware and acceptable to it. The therapist may have issues themselves with kink and there could be some transference going on.
 
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BornToBe_Slutty

Verified
  • Bisexual
  • Female
  • Submissive
Dec 28, 2015
142
122
43
Sorry for the delayed response, I’ve been away this week.

Thank you all for your kind messages. My therapist was very sex positive, and reinforced that I’m allowed to like what I like without punishing myself, but I feel like our sessions ended before I worked through that (again, no ones fault, she was having a baby!) but you’re right, maybe I need to focus on finding a kink friendly therapist to continue working through this with.

DominantHacker made an interesting point - when I submit outside of the bedroom I don’t feel guilty or ashamed of myself, it’s just when it’s sexual which has made me reflect - it’s not submission I’m ashamed of, but possibly sex in general (not all the time, but sometimes); I’m wondering if the therapy has brought too many suppressed memories to the surface than I was ready to cope with.

I feel like this thread has really helped me thus far think about it from a different perspective and helped knowing I'm not completely alone with this experience. I need to start talking to myself as if I was talking to a friend - it doesn’t matter where it came from, what matters is that I’m happy now

Thanks all
 

StormyDungeons

Senior Kink Talk Member
  • Straight
  • Male
  • Switch
Jul 27, 2021
176
80
28
47
Atlanta, Ga, USA
Hey guys,

I’m not sure if this is the right place to put this – if it’s not I apologise. I’m looking for some advice, I think, or someone who maybe feels the same way I feel or has gone through what I’m going through. This is me opening up and being vulnerable, so please be kind. It might be a long one, so sorry in advance.

I just want to put a trigger warning that this post may include talks of trauma, so if you aren’t in a position to talk about such things, I’d recommend not reading past here.

As some of you know I’ve been around for a long time. I started the borntobe_slutty handle back in 2015 when I was just 19/20 years old. I was highly active on kik, snapchat, tumblr and here – all over the place really. I created this world where I felt like I could explore my interests and be myself. I know few people in my personal life who are as hypersexual as I am, or willing to talk about such things, so finding the kink community was welcoming and wholesome to me. Emerging into my submissive/slave role felt so natural to me, and still does and it made (makes) me happy.

In 2019 I started trauma therapy, and I never really connected my past experiences to my role in the kink world. I knew that I had “issues”, and there were some connections, but not like the links I was making with my therapist. This made me start to feel guilty, ashamed, and confused about my sexuality, my sexual preferences and what I enjoyed. We talked about how some survivors cope by “sexually acting out” which is basically sexual behaviours which help keep the hurt, feelings and trauma at bay. We explored my emersion into BDSM as maybe a way of me trying to cope with the trauma and abuse I experienced.

All of a sudden submission, this thing that I enjoy, feels dirty and shameful. I’m battling with myself between enjoying being submissive and feeling like I shouldn’t be because of where this may have stemmed from. I flit between being online, active and talking to just disappearing and ghosting the friends I have made through this when the shame and guilt becomes too much for me to handle (if you’re reading this, I’m sorry and I miss you!). I never felt ashamed of what I like sexually until therapy, and now I somewhat hate myself for what I’m doing and liking what I like. I feel like maybe this internal battle and hating myself for liking BDSM is yet another way I’m punishing myself the abuse I endured (I have this whole, “I was only a kid but it was my fault” thing that I’m still working through).

Anyway, the reason I’m posting this is because I was wondering if anyone else has felt a similar way to me? Like, am I alone in this? Or does someone else understand the internal battle I’m going through. My therapist went on maternity leave in 2020 and isn’t coming back so it’s not something I can work through with her. I don’t want to suppress my submissive side, I just want to know if anyone has any advice on managing and overcoming these feelings. Maybe someone who’s been there to offer some words on encouragement? I don’t know

If you’ve read this far, thank you – I appreciate all the help/advice I could get!

Borntobe_slutty
The official name for what you describe is = Stockholm Syndrome.

That name came about through therapy factions working with war p.o.w's in WWII.

Later it was applied to a broader range of victims including ones subjected to child molestation.

It cannot be under emphasized at how mega powerful our libidos are and when these are super stimulated at too young an age, they tend to become dominate forces within our beings.

It is almost 100% certain that super sexual and/or sexually addicted people were exposed to super libido stimulation prior to age 12.

This is well known, confirmed, and documented.

SEX MADE US. SEX IS US. WE LIVE IN A SEX EMPORIUM.

This whole earth is 1 giant sex emporium. You smell a flower and like its fragrance. ONLY FEMALE FLOWERS HAVE FRAGRANCE AND THE REALITY IS = YOU ARE PUTTING YOUR NOSE INTO A PLANT PUSSY.

Oh yes this is true. It is also why flowers are affrodesiacs.

In spring we are covered with pollen. POLLEN IS TREE AND PLANT SPERM.

Oh yes this is true.

We are created when a sperm with our name on it, leaves the secondary male sex organ (the testicles), passes through the primary male sex organ (the penis), into the primary female sex organ (the vagina), into thr secondary female sex organ (the uterus), where it swims into a fallopian tube and joins with an egg.

WE THEN SPEND 9 MONTHS BASKING INSIDE A PUSSY WHERE WE MASTURBATE AND SUCK A THUMB.

Oh yes this is true for everyone. When a baby kicks = IT IS HAVING AN ORGASM and this is why most pregnant women become super horny.

So why all this info?

Because life happens and because sex happens. Most people are along for the ride for better or worse.

Personally a was molested as a child. Today i have fantasies involving sex with males. It doesnt drive nor control me. It has fascinated me and most likely has been the driving force behind my becoming a sex researcher, writer, and therapist.

I can understand most peoples kinks, fantasies, and fetishes from a more practical veiwpoint, so maybe i used those events and energies in a more positive way which you can do too.

Far too many prostitutes, strippers, and porn actresses were molested, abused, date raped, raped, or all the above.

The sad thing was not then becoming a sex worker or sex driven person, but rather losing theirbbn own self esteem and sense of person.

So they instead role play as a substitution for being themselves.

There is nothing wrong with enjoying sex or it many varied expressions as long as its not a replacement for a whole sense if being.

Only you can know this. You are not alone. Many here can relate, and share.

It took me years to even admit i was molested. My own mother knew and decided to tell people i was gay. Omg. I was in 5th freaking grade and having sex adventures with the prettiest girls. My step dad found out what she said and hit her knocking her to the floor.

That served as a turning point because some one took my side, validated me, and gave me esteem.

My mom then kept her mouth shut. I was 5 when i was being molested and she knew and didnt stop it. 3-4 years later she was covering her ass at my expense.

So life can be f'd up and we can still be ok. You can still be ok.

Just know this and if/when you need friends who can relate to talk too = WE ARE HERE. -:)
 

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