How do I tell him I need more?

shy eyes wide

Not so kinky
  • Straight
  • Female
  • Submissive
Sep 2, 2012
1
0
0
#1
I must ask you to bear with me, because I am not only new to this forum I am completely new to the honest and open discussion of my own and other people’s kinks. I have grown up in the SF Bay Area so I’m not totally unfamiliar, but obviously the ambient level of kinky appreciation around me and my own real, specific needs are very different things to deal with.
I have been in a serious and committed relationship for just over 5 years now. We have talked about marriage and the whole bit. He is my first and only real boyfriend though, and the only guy I have slept with more than once. He knows I like it rough, having my hair pulled, slapped on the ass, and so forth. He will indulge me in this sometimes but he has no real desire to experiment with anything the least bit unusual. Seriously, in the last year we’ve had sex in the kitchen once and on the couch a couple times, and that’s the most adventurous thing I could mention.
I feel like I am in a sort of sexual crisis. I crave male dominance and I don’t know how to express it. I have only entertained fantasies about this sort of thing until now, while I am, for all practical purposes, in the more responsible, breadwinning, bill paying role in our relationship. I make decisions for both of us and have much more control over what we do as a couple than I frankly want. I have only recently realized how much it bothers me that when I give him the choice in almost any matter that he defers it back to me. Somehow the desire to be controlled, restrained, slapped a bit, dare I say even owned by a man has crept slowly out of my fantasies and into my constant, waking consciousness. I have violently sexual dreams about it, with increasing frequency. It kills me to say this, but I have even dropped hints to him that I would like to try some different things, expressed my excitement at seeing the odd bondage photo, and I am starting to wonder if he is really oblivious or if he’s just trying to ignore it till it goes away.
He loves me, I know, but I don’t know how to approach this. I feel like if I am too direct, which I can sometimes be, he will feel accused, and like I’m saying he’s inadequate. I get more frustrated with it by the day, because I know that even if I do get him to play around with it he will only be doing it for me and getting nothing out of it himself. That alone sort of takes the edge off it for me. I just don’t know what to do. Is this how people realize that they just aren’t sexually compatible? Does it always take five years? I feel terribly guilty because I had these feelings when I met him, I just didn’t know how to even articulate them then. I loved him so much it didn’t matter. But now, I feel like every day is this battle between what I desperately want to share with him and what I know he wants to hear.
TL;DR: What do I do if I want my boyfriend to be more dominant, but I’m not sure he wants to at all?
Even if nobody answers this, thank you for the forum to post it. Even typing this is somewhat cathartic.
 

shadowice0823

Kinky Newbie
  • Straight
  • Male
  • Dominant
Aug 9, 2012
291
3
18
#2
Sometimes us guys are oblivious we dont pick up on the subtle hints. If my girl was like this and felt unhappy id hope she didnt beat around the bush just came out and told me. It wouldnt upset me in any way if she expressed her opinion id just want to do my best to fix it.

Sometimes you can be scared to try new things because you dont know how your partner will react and dont want them put off by the idea so you just go with the normal. But if she mentioned she was really interested in something i hadnt done before id cator to her and try it out once. Exploring your partners kinks is supposta be fun not everything you like they will like and vice versa you just have to find common ground.
 

Jkkicker

Kinky Newbie
  • Straight
  • Male
  • Switch
Jul 12, 2011
258
1
18
#3
I would suggest starting out slow. Maybe being tied to the bed durring sex or some light spankings. Afterwords, open the discision up. Ask hom how he felt about it. Get his opinion from there, you should get a good idea of how far he is willing to go I hope. Comunication is so important when it comes to sex. Also, be sure not to make it all about you. Find out what he likes. Would he like to give you anal, ect. I hope I helped. Let me know if you have more questions.
 

icebraker

Not so kinky
  • Bisexual
  • Male
  • Switch
Mar 15, 2012
1
0
0
#4
Getting him to be rough.

I am not an expert when it comes to long term relationships so I don't know if this will work. I have found that safe words are a good way to let the person know if they crossed the line but also can be used to let someone know they reached the level the other desires. For example: Tell him if he makes you say the Safeword 3 times then you will give him a blowjob or maybe something out of the bedroom. Maybe that you will go do something with him that you don't really like doing like going fishing or something.
Having you say it 3 times or maybe 5 times will let you reward his aggressiveness and not end the play but encourage it to stay around that level. I have never had a problem in this area but this is what a ex-gf used to make me down right brutal to her in a way that would have made me feel uncomfortable because I didn't know her that well at that time.
 

Dominant_John

Not so kinky
  • Straight
  • Male
  • Dominant
Jul 15, 2012
2
0
0
#5
When I'm in relationships I barely engage in BDSM simply for the sake that I care about the person, and therefore don't want to hurt them. Perhaps turn the tables on him, ask him what he likes, what he enjoys about his fantasies. It's important to encourage him whenever he does something "right". Another way to not be accusing is to ask him how he feels about BDSM and or dom/sub. If he's willing to explore it or in a more "hey I want to try this." Communication is key in any relationship.

The last thing you can try is to slowly bring it in (as other's have suggested). Maybe grab a toy or two and start putting on a show for him and then have him direct you.
 

GregAussie

Not so kinky
  • Straight
  • Male
  • Switch
Sep 9, 2012
3
0
0
#6
I must ask you to bear with me, because I am not only new to this forum I am completely new to the honest and open discussion of my own and other people’s kinks. I have grown up in the SF Bay Area so I’m not totally unfamiliar, but obviously the ambient level of kinky appreciation around me and my own real, specific needs are very different things to deal with.
I have been in a serious and committed relationship for just over 5 years now. We have talked about marriage and the whole bit. He is my first and only real boyfriend though, and the only guy I have slept with more than once. He knows I like it rough, having my hair pulled, slapped on the ass, and so forth. He will indulge me in this sometimes but he has no real desire to experiment with anything the least bit unusual. Seriously, in the last year we’ve had sex in the kitchen once and on the couch a couple times, and that’s the most adventurous thing I could mention.
I feel like I am in a sort of sexual crisis. I crave male dominance and I don’t know how to express it. I have only entertained fantasies about this sort of thing until now, while I am, for all practical purposes, in the more responsible, breadwinning, bill paying role in our relationship. I make decisions for both of us and have much more control over what we do as a couple than I frankly want. I have only recently realized how much it bothers me that when I give him the choice in almost any matter that he defers it back to me. Somehow the desire to be controlled, restrained, slapped a bit, dare I say even owned by a man has crept slowly out of my fantasies and into my constant, waking consciousness. I have violently sexual dreams about it, with increasing frequency. It kills me to say this, but I have even dropped hints to him that I would like to try some different things, expressed my excitement at seeing the odd bondage photo, and I am starting to wonder if he is really oblivious or if he’s just trying to ignore it till it goes away.
He loves me, I know, but I don’t know how to approach this. I feel like if I am too direct, which I can sometimes be, he will feel accused, and like I’m saying he’s inadequate. I get more frustrated with it by the day, because I know that even if I do get him to play around with it he will only be doing it for me and getting nothing out of it himself. That alone sort of takes the edge off it for me. I just don’t know what to do. Is this how people realize that they just aren’t sexually compatible? Does it always take five years? I feel terribly guilty because I had these feelings when I met him, I just didn’t know how to even articulate them then. I loved him so much it didn’t matter. But now, I feel like every day is this battle between what I desperately want to share with him and what I know he wants to hear.
TL;DR: What do I do if I want my boyfriend to be more dominant, but I’m not sure he wants to at all?
Even if nobody answers this, thank you for the forum to post it. Even typing this is somewhat cathartic.
Hi "eyes",
I have had a fair bit of experience in introducing peole to kinky stuff, and the key is slowly, slowly, bit-by-bit.
One of the great things for you right now is the "50 shades of grey" phenemenon, bringing light bondage and related play into the mainstream thought pattern.
Arrange for a female friend or colleague to "give" you a copy, and start to read it.
When you get to (page 119 in the digital version) the bit there he ties her hands with his necktie and licks, nibbles and dominates her a little, tell him you love him, and say "I just read something I really want to share with you, can I read it to you?" (obviously choose a time without too many approaching deadlines, even if you have to wait a day or two).


DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED when he expresses disgust and dismay that a guy would tie a girl - us guys are tought NOT to dominate, but to respect, cherish and defer to our GF/Wife/Fiancee. This is the expected response. In a loving relationship, with mutual respect, it is also fully compatable with BDSM activities, ESPECIALLY when a guy has limited or no experience, and is asked by his partner, like "wow that sounds so naughty and also... REALLY sexy... I got my Favorite tie from your closet... I really want you to tie my hands with it and fuck me, that would turn me on beyond belief, you in total control of me... can you please tie my hands and fuck me? (while holding out the tie to him, with your wrists crossed... ). Please, I want this, please do this for me, to me... mmmmm, I need you to tie me up, be my caveman as well as the gentleman you are... don't hurt me too much, but that is up to you. I trust you totally and I really want you to do this for me.

When he does tie your hands, it will probably be loose - say "Oh please tie me tighter, I want to be unable to get my hands free, I want you in control of me, I am yours, your cavegirl"

However the sex is, cum louder and more than usual (even if you have to fake it), and before he unties you, tell him he is amazing, that was fantastic, "I love your caveman-self, and I want to see that part of you again soon." "Please tie me up again tomorrow, or whenever you want, I loved that! And I love you."
The next day, or the day after, leave 4 x 6-foot pieces of brand-new rope (probably pink, green or blue) where it is totally obvious it was left for him, with a note saying "2 arms, 2 legs, 4 corners of the bed? MMmmmmmm" Please Caveman!

If all of that doesn't start to engage him in a (sexually) dominant role within your relationship, he never will be able to, and you will have to decide if you can make do with dares and stuff you will have to hide from him, while being faithful to him for the rest of your life, or
(a) have an open, frank and uncomfortable discussion with him about your needs; or
(b) end an otherwise loving and fulfilling relationship

I, after many years of being with a vanilla woman, finally accepted that I need this in my life, will not succeed in being happy or satisfied without kinky stuff & am now much happier.
Greg
 

archie21

Banned
  • Bisexual
  • Male
  • Dominant
Apr 24, 2010
244
0
0
#7
Hello,

Its a hard subject to cross especially when the male shows no interest.

As others have said before me it is a case of slowly slowly, men are useless at signs but we are also bull headed when it comes to it dawning on us that you want something else and then we get angry and defensive.

One thing fresh to add: I read of a girl who wanted what you want but they had been together so long he had grown comfortable with what he had and saw no reason to change. In the end she left, sorted her life out, explored on her own but continued to see him as a friend. one day he was round and she had left her e-mails open and he saw a mail she had been replying too when he arrived. he read it couldn't believe what he saw and finally talked to her, explained how he viewed it and she put in, what she wanted and they are back together as a couple with a compromise that works. She is happy, he is happy and out of the blue he suddenly surprised her by taking the lead one evening.

What ever happens I hope you sort it and always remember we are a community that will talk to you and help if we can.

Archie
 

badjanack

Not so kinky
  • Straight
  • Male
  • Switch
Aug 24, 2012
4
0
0
#8
Why don't you just try to explore your dominant side with him, by dominating him (if he has any kink in him at all), otherwise you might have to find a side partner for such things. If he gets off on being submissive, it would be fun to turn to cuckolding, or just not involve him in that. There's nothing wrong with seeking what you need elsewhere if you insist on being with someone who doesn't match you in the sack.