Insight in my sadism

Meorin

Not so kinky
  • Straight
  • Male
  • Dominant
Jun 10, 2014
22
0
0
#1
Disclaimer:
I am talking about my sadism and its extremes here. If this might disturb you, dont read this text. I am no native speaker, so my wording will probably bad at times. Feel free to ask for any clarification you may need.

The early beginnings:
It first started when I was in third class when I was 10 years of age. Well at least its the earliest appearance of my sadism I can remember. My first sadistic thoughts were quite usual for that age, I think. I didnt know at the time but at the beginning most of them were sexual in nature. There was a girl in class I had a crush on and I fancied to throw her over my knee and spank her. Thoughts like these went on for like a year or two and became more and more extreme but all still sexual and possible to find a consenting partner to act them out with.

I dont know what gave it away exactly, but I think my dad knew. He was a sadist himself but didnt allow himself to act on it for at least the last 15 years of his life. He talked to me about ethics and morals a lot, told me to never ever hit a woman, no matter the reason. This made me try to bury these kind of thoughts but I went over the top with it. I didnt allow myself any thoughts that included harming other people physically or mentally. This even prevented me to protect myself from others harm at times.


The awaking:
When I was 17, I started to enjoy harder and harder porn, including rape fantasy porn. At that time I discovered bdsm porn as well. I started to enjoy my sadism again but didnt think too much about it. When I was 18, a sub figured out that I was a sadist. When we were alone at my place and chilling, she told me what she had seen in me. She told me I could do anything I want to her that I wanted to do, told me that she would do as told, no matter the order. I fought with myself for like 30 minutes but then gave in. We had our first session and after that I allowed myself to think about hurting consenting people.

Had my sessions here and there but my fantasies were still in a way that could have been acted out in a legal way.

The second awaking:
I was ethically and morally fine with hurting people who like to be hurt. I knew that there was more I wanted to do but I didnt allow myself these kind of thoughts. Things changed when I was 19 or 20, cant tell how old I was exactly anymore. One night I had a deep talk about this topic with the mother of a female friend I had. She argued that doing anything in fantasy is fine, for as long as it is fantasy. We argued about my fears of losing control over my sadistic self. In the end she convinced me that it is ok to take the risk and that the rewards outweigh the risks. She was confident about me being able to still control myself even if the urge to act on it becomes stronger and stronger, because I had already been able to not act on it for 10 years.

This was like pandoras box for my mind. I searched for films like “tortured”, “a serbian film”, “120 days of sodom” and similar. This kick started the second part of my sadism.

Two different kinds of sadism in me:
We are kinda exactly where I wanted to get with this here but lets go a few steps back first. I have sadism in me, that still demands the receiving part to be consenting and getting some kind of fun out of it. For the sake of argument, lets call this my good sadism. This is the part of my sadism that is active during my sessions like 95% of the time. The good sadism is always sexual for me or my victim. I still for peoples well being and want them to suffer for the time of the session or just a bit longer but not for life. This sadism still cares for the victims psychological well being a lot.

The other part of my sadism is different and for the sake of the argument, lets call it my bad sadism. My bad sadism is only sexual in like 10% of the time. It satisfies me on an other level. It feels like its way deeper rooted in my mind. My good sadism clearly knows limits, my bad sadism clearly doesnt. When it is triggered, I dont care for the well being of my victim, I dont care for permanent physical or psychological damage or if I cause some illness. All this sadism cares about is pain and suffering. The satisfaction I get from actively thinking about this is usually way more entertaining and way more satisfying as to act on my good sadism. For now I have stayed strong and very rarely acted on my bad sadism. The only times I did were when I was specifically asked by my victim to let it loose.

My good sadism wants to be entertained by others pain but wants them to be happy after all.
My bad sadism wants to cause real damage and has no limit to that. Yes, this means I want to kill people too. I want to torture people to death, yup, that is what my bad sadism wants.

My good sadism is only triggered when I am with or talk to a consenting victim and or read literature or watch porn of that manner. It is not triggered by random people I see.
My bad sadism is different at that. I usually think about torturing / killing 2-3 random people a day. People I see in the tv, people I see in the streets, people I sit next to in the train...

Why am I writing all this?:
The easy answer: I am looking for like minded people with possibly similar problems. And yes, I consider my bad sadism to be some sort of problem that has to be handled. Are parts of your sadism the same for you? Something you have to keep at check on a regular basis? How do you archive that? What are your ways to staying in control?

Do you have any questions of any kind, go ask them. If you want me to talk more about any specific thing about my sadism, go ask for it. If you have any input for me at this of any kind: go for it!

Thanks for reading and happy suffering
Meorin aka Jan
 

NotYourGirlfriend

Not so kinky
  • Lesbian
  • Female
  • Private
Jul 24, 2016
30
0
0
#2
I get you. Except I'm a masochist.
As much as I like being hurt and as sexy as it is there's a part of me that wants to be REALLY hurt. BAD. Not in the good way. Like, scarred and ruined for life.

The closest I've ever really come to that in a BDSM environment is when I had my feet caned. I FUCKING HATE THAT SHIT. Couldn't hardly walk. It's NOT a fun time for me. In fact, if I had real limits, I'd call it a limit.
But beat they were and as much as I hated it, begged him to stop, and got ZERO sexual gratification from it, I still like that he did it.

And some of my more intense fantasies are pretty dark...

I get you. I feel sick sometimes.
 

WildFlower

Not so kinky
  • Bisexual
  • Female
  • Private
Oct 19, 2017
3
0
0
#3
You say you were asked by victim to let loose your bad sadism...
How far did you go with it?

Isn't it different when the victim asks for it than when you enforce it?