Is it possible to have a romantic BDSM relationship?

Autumn1216

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Feb 2, 2017
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Houston, Texas
I'm new to this whole BDSM thing but a few of my friends have been helping me learn more about it. I am a submissive type naturally but I can't submit to someone that I can't be romantically involved with. I submit mostly out of love, and I enjoy having control taken from me. I particularly like the protective and caring aspects a Dom can have as well as the sexual and punishing aspects. I have learned that I am a natural sub as well as a brat and possible little. I just need help answering a few questions.
 

ech0

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Jun 7, 2011
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Very possible. BDSM is what you make of it. Some people are just about the sex, some people stay in their role 24/7, and some people just keep it to the bedroom but otherwise have very loving, caring relationships. In fact, some would say that being close to your partner, makes it all the more exciting when they dominate/submit.
 
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droptokon

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May 19, 2013
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Hi there and welcome!

I gotta say that in my experience it's pretty rare for a romantically based BDSM relationship to last. The main problem usually comes down to kinks, as we all know its tough enough finding someone you like enough to be romantically involved with, the chances that they will share similar kinks makes that even more difficult.
The BDSM world is full of all kinds of kinks, from the kind of soft, caring kind of D/s through to full on, sado/masochist type stuff. And of course all sorts of little side interests in between.
Things like bondage, whips or canes, piss play, blood play, and the list just goes on and on.
The big sticking points are usually based around the kinks that don't fit, often a sub may try to accommodate her Dom but find that puts her too far out of her comfort zone. Or one or other has to forgo that particular kink or kinks that you don't have in common.

Anyway thats my two cents, hopefully you may get some other opinions that aren't quite as bleak!
 

submissivesnow

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Feb 2, 2017
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110%. Everyone's a sub/switch/dom and has sexual preferences. I naturally assume a submissive role when I like someone as well c: and you can definitely introduce what you're into in the bedroom in a relationship, anything the other party's comfortable with. The sub/dom dynamic's very very fun. I learn towards slave as well, but have only been with switches so none have taken to that much.

:D
 

adini

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Apr 19, 2018
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Me and my girl are loving and caring, but totally different in the bedroom. I think it's very possible ;)
 

KyraFrantini

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Jul 9, 2020
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Hi there and welcome!

I gotta say that in my experience it's pretty rare for a romantically based BDSM relationship to last. The main problem usually comes down to kinks, as we all know its tough enough finding someone you like enough to be romantically involved with, the chances that they will share similar kinks makes that even more difficult.
The BDSM world is full of all kinds of kinks, from the kind of soft, caring kind of D/s through to full on, sado/masochist type stuff. And of course all sorts of little side interests in between.
Things like bondage, whips or canes, piss play, blood play, and the list just goes on and on.
The big sticking points are usually based around the kinks that don't fit, often a sub may try to accommodate her Dom but find that puts her too far out of her comfort zone. Or one or other has to forgo that particular kink or kinks that you don't have in common.

Anyway thats my two cents, hopefully you may get some other opinions that aren't quite as bleak!

I just joined the group, and came across your comment above. It is several years old, so likely has changed, also our experiences may be limited. I'm not sure I'd agree with that and think that point could be and it could be further studied. I'm fairly new to the scene, but I do have an experience that says otherwise, and I'm noticing that there are quite a few people that are in a similar dynamic as myself. Perhaps, you might be speaking of people forming new relationships, because I do see that these dynamics can be absent of romance, and that works for them. I have found myself asking this question, if those relationships will last. Im in what is called LTC Long term committed D/s relationship. This means that we were together many years before incorporating D/s into our relationship. We have been together almost 20 years. I believe that BDSM interventions have turned our marriage around, from us drifting apart in a vanilla based dynamic, to one where we are spending more time designing and creating our wants and needs together. So, my argument is that we may likely be beginning to see more people coming into BDSM as couples that have been married a long time, and as a way to rekindle and ignite that romance and passion that existed but was not maintained as a prioroty. I believe that are a last resort for couples, for example marital therapy, they could be willing to apply D/s dynamic in order to save the marriage commitment. I find that this is a very good topic, and I believe that it is possible one because I am an example, and think that there are many others like myself, that we are not aware of, that we should begin to see more off. I do agree with you about the kink issue. But what I see happening is that people are allowing that to become a barrier to finding someone worth working within their dynamics. In our case our commitment is not on the table. Meaning there may be kinks that I like but if my Dom doens't then we talk about these things, and possibly it could be further discussed, but some things are his hard limits. Now we did'd discover our hard limits becore we committed, we are discovering and verbalizing these now. In order for us to grow together closer there needs to be respect of these limits. I need to understand that these just may be things that I;ll never do at this point, and be ok with that. Because if I do, then our relationship wouldn't exist or it would cause further damage to the relationship. When reading others posts I see too many people being strict on what they expect to find or someone to perfectly comply and match up to their high expectations, that if they are not able or mess up or fall short, then this is an escape clause to leave the sub, for example, rather that do the work to make it work. I believe that these people that are only strictly for kink and high protocol are cold and absent of love perhaps because they may never have had any thesmelves, so it must feel normal to them. But I could not submit to someone that I did not have a deep caring love and willingness to submit any part of my life to. I tend to be alpha in life, meaning I have very strong will and have accomplished most things I put my mind to, and I'm pretty smart and can think for myself. I'm very much in control of myself, down to when I sub. Last night we were talking, I do lots of topping from the bottom. Its not to dominate physically or sexually, it more like mentally I do it. I think. I'll talk more about this after I read your response.
 

kaylessa

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Jan 7, 2019
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I guess it just depends on the circumstances. Some people are flexible with what they like. They got many different likes which they would carry out, but don't need to for being happy. Those people can more easily adopt to a partner who might not love all their kinks. Others have rather strong urges and need those to be part of their lives to be happy. The stronger the kinks are the more important it is to find a matching partner. Best case is when both partners are the flexible kind with a couple matches - or both have a matching strong kink.
 

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