Hi there and welcome to the first Kink Talk University lecture. Over the next few months we will be presenting a whole series of different topics starting with the fundamentals of kink and BDSM. Each lecture will be followed several days later by a live group chat session for discussion of the topic, you can also post questions or comments in the thread for each lecture.
I'm kicking off with something that is possibly the most basic and important of all the fundamentals, consent. The concept of consent as it applies in the kink/bdsm world has, at its core, the same basis as consent in any sexual encounter with several important additions. The wider concept of consent is very topical at the moment, especially in Australia where a series of revelations of sexual abuse and misconduct in the federal parliament has been making the news(1). Some of these reports, such as the staffer filmed masturbating on an MP's desk involve a number of issues such as the act itself and then subsequent distribution of the video. Both contain serious consent issues.
So lets jump back a bit and look at what consent really means.
noun
permission for something to happen or agreement to do something.
"no change may be made without the consent of all the partners"
verb
give permission for something to happen.
"he consented to a search by a detective"
You'll notice in use as both noun and verb the key is permission.
Consent is the granting of permission to do something. Very simple, very easy to understand and in the context of our kink world containing wide ranging responsibilities.
When we use the kink mantra "Safe, Sane, Consensual" we are affirming a commitment to always having the consent of anyone and everyone involved in our games. In it's simplest form this is usually our play partner but when we step outside into the public arena it includes everyone who may become part of the games in any way, shape or form.
Relating this to the incident mentioned, masturbating on someone's desk. There was quite obviously no consent for him to do this as the act was performed surreptitiously, the fact that the perpetrator filmed himself and shared it would later prove to be another issue when it was shared further. Breaching trust and acting maliciously are two very common ways consent is broken. In this case what he did was wrong, but distributing the video publicly was also wrong.
When things happen without your permission you will often be upset or even angry. If someone takes something of yours without permission that can be theft, if someone makes a financial transaction on your behalf but without your permission that could be fraud. Not having permission to do things is a serious transgression and not to be tolerated.
And in fact, within the kink world many things done as kinks can actually be illegal as well as non-consensual. Filming someone surreptitiously, sharing those images or video with others, exposing yourself in public, forcing yourself on someone else sexually, all codified in law with serious penalties.
Now there will be people thinking "but within a D/s relationship forcing yourself on someone else sexually is just part of the kink, isn't it?"
The definitive answer is no, it's not.
As part of the act of submission, permission may be granted to act forcefully but this is never to be assumed. Explicit, clearly started, willingness to participate is required before any D/s play takes place.
Moreover that consent is not forever implied or enduring, it must be reaffirmed constantly. Which brings me to the topic of "slave contracts" and other such agreements either verbal or written. These must always be taken as fantasy devices, part of the kinky play and never to be implied as anything more. Any agreement or contract of this type has no basis in law and provides no protection to the Dom or master in the case of legal action. Sure, it can be fun to have a slave sign away her life to you but if she decides next week she's had enough then the contract is of no value and is not binding on either party.
On a more granular scale, within a play session consent can be withdrawn at any time and the dominant must honor that. This is why safe words are so important, they are not an impediment to good kink play, they are critical.
One of the most common reasons I've seen for needing safe words is when panic strikes during play. A sub, even an experienced one can be hit with a panic attack during bondage or impact play. It is crucial that play stops immediately and care be administered to prevent serious repercussions. But it doesn't need to be a panic attack, any reason is enough, if the other party wants to stop, you stop. No if, buts or maybes about it, STOP.
Wow, what a killjoy.
It's the reality.
Unfortunately quite a lot of the blame for unreal expectations can be laid at the feet of professionally shot bdsm porn. Extreme bondage situations that run on seemingly ignoring the wishes of the models, fake public displays with curated audiences watching, not to mention professional actors with years of experience and often freakish talents. Just because you've seen something online doesn't mean it's possible or safe to do with your partner. If they say no, that's it, no!
So where does that put those who only play online, surely the issues of consent don't exist in the same ways? Obviously the physical acts aren't going to come into play but the psychological ones are just as prevalent. Bullying submissives into doing something they don't want to happens all the time. This is especially common with newbies, the most common transgression, forcing the supplying of photos that are subsequently shared without consent.
Another non-consensual abuse happens in the case of fakes, catfishing as another sex to trick others into playing with them. This is at it's simplest non-consensual as a betrayal of trust. While some claim it's simply harmless fun it's not consensual, making someone feel foolish, tricking them into playing with a partner they would never choose is fundamentally wrong and not acceptable. This is not like role playing where all participants are aware the others involved are not what their role suggests, that's the whole point in role play, it's entirely a consensual fantasy.
I'm kicking off with something that is possibly the most basic and important of all the fundamentals, consent. The concept of consent as it applies in the kink/bdsm world has, at its core, the same basis as consent in any sexual encounter with several important additions. The wider concept of consent is very topical at the moment, especially in Australia where a series of revelations of sexual abuse and misconduct in the federal parliament has been making the news(1). Some of these reports, such as the staffer filmed masturbating on an MP's desk involve a number of issues such as the act itself and then subsequent distribution of the video. Both contain serious consent issues.
So lets jump back a bit and look at what consent really means.
noun
permission for something to happen or agreement to do something.
"no change may be made without the consent of all the partners"
verb
give permission for something to happen.
"he consented to a search by a detective"
You'll notice in use as both noun and verb the key is permission.
Consent is the granting of permission to do something. Very simple, very easy to understand and in the context of our kink world containing wide ranging responsibilities.
When we use the kink mantra "Safe, Sane, Consensual" we are affirming a commitment to always having the consent of anyone and everyone involved in our games. In it's simplest form this is usually our play partner but when we step outside into the public arena it includes everyone who may become part of the games in any way, shape or form.
Relating this to the incident mentioned, masturbating on someone's desk. There was quite obviously no consent for him to do this as the act was performed surreptitiously, the fact that the perpetrator filmed himself and shared it would later prove to be another issue when it was shared further. Breaching trust and acting maliciously are two very common ways consent is broken. In this case what he did was wrong, but distributing the video publicly was also wrong.
When things happen without your permission you will often be upset or even angry. If someone takes something of yours without permission that can be theft, if someone makes a financial transaction on your behalf but without your permission that could be fraud. Not having permission to do things is a serious transgression and not to be tolerated.
And in fact, within the kink world many things done as kinks can actually be illegal as well as non-consensual. Filming someone surreptitiously, sharing those images or video with others, exposing yourself in public, forcing yourself on someone else sexually, all codified in law with serious penalties.
Now there will be people thinking "but within a D/s relationship forcing yourself on someone else sexually is just part of the kink, isn't it?"
The definitive answer is no, it's not.
As part of the act of submission, permission may be granted to act forcefully but this is never to be assumed. Explicit, clearly started, willingness to participate is required before any D/s play takes place.
Moreover that consent is not forever implied or enduring, it must be reaffirmed constantly. Which brings me to the topic of "slave contracts" and other such agreements either verbal or written. These must always be taken as fantasy devices, part of the kinky play and never to be implied as anything more. Any agreement or contract of this type has no basis in law and provides no protection to the Dom or master in the case of legal action. Sure, it can be fun to have a slave sign away her life to you but if she decides next week she's had enough then the contract is of no value and is not binding on either party.
On a more granular scale, within a play session consent can be withdrawn at any time and the dominant must honor that. This is why safe words are so important, they are not an impediment to good kink play, they are critical.
One of the most common reasons I've seen for needing safe words is when panic strikes during play. A sub, even an experienced one can be hit with a panic attack during bondage or impact play. It is crucial that play stops immediately and care be administered to prevent serious repercussions. But it doesn't need to be a panic attack, any reason is enough, if the other party wants to stop, you stop. No if, buts or maybes about it, STOP.
Wow, what a killjoy.
It's the reality.
Unfortunately quite a lot of the blame for unreal expectations can be laid at the feet of professionally shot bdsm porn. Extreme bondage situations that run on seemingly ignoring the wishes of the models, fake public displays with curated audiences watching, not to mention professional actors with years of experience and often freakish talents. Just because you've seen something online doesn't mean it's possible or safe to do with your partner. If they say no, that's it, no!
So where does that put those who only play online, surely the issues of consent don't exist in the same ways? Obviously the physical acts aren't going to come into play but the psychological ones are just as prevalent. Bullying submissives into doing something they don't want to happens all the time. This is especially common with newbies, the most common transgression, forcing the supplying of photos that are subsequently shared without consent.
Another non-consensual abuse happens in the case of fakes, catfishing as another sex to trick others into playing with them. This is at it's simplest non-consensual as a betrayal of trust. While some claim it's simply harmless fun it's not consensual, making someone feel foolish, tricking them into playing with a partner they would never choose is fundamentally wrong and not acceptable. This is not like role playing where all participants are aware the others involved are not what their role suggests, that's the whole point in role play, it's entirely a consensual fantasy.
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