my husband of many years just died. finding out he had a secret Dom life I never knew.


Senior Kink Talk Member
  • Straight
  • Male
  • Switch
Jul 27, 2021
Atlanta, Ga, USA
On the flip side = you do know now.

Its said that the truth shall set you free. Of course you are still wading through a crap pool trying to determine what the truths are.

Nevertheless, he was not a murderer or hardened criminal, mob don, or drug dealer.

He was just sexually predisposed.

That doesnt make him a bad man, just a sexual one.

I can say that he should have told you something along the way. I dont know, maybe he had fears or thoughts his marriage would end and his social life also once outed.

Lots to condider good bad and ugly.

The news re the associate harassing you is over the top wrong. Most kink, fetish, sex play people would be more considerate.

You would be shocked to know who some of these people are in daily life.

I for example am a christian minister. Here i offer sex education, as well as council and support. It shocks people but yet it is needed and i am well liked here.

If you need further talks = im here. I can be a good ear and sometimes be able to offer support and comfort.

Most sex stuff is just a way to re connect with childhood. Most. There are other sides where it can be occult and demonic.

Here its all pretty vanilla but who knows entirely with your husband.

At some point you are going to need to forgive him, ask God yo cover over it, rededicate yourself, and then take positive steps going forward.

I will be adding you yo my prayers.


Kinky Newbie
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  • Female
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Oct 30, 2021
Thank you again for your thoughtful message, It’s really had me thinking.

Yes, I’m still wading through the crap pool looking for truths. Nothing has “set me free” yet but I feel I’ve come to a better understanding now of who the love of my life really was.

A lot of help with that came from you and some of the others on this site. For someone like me (adventurous but, as you all say, “vanilla”) with no idea of the BDSM world, it’s been an eye-opener.

I think I understand now that my husband had an undeniable urge, kink, need that he felt he couldn’t bring to me and I’m certainly heartbroken that he never talked to me about it.

I think you’re right that he probably had fears that his marriage would end and his social life too, if the truth came out. I honestly can’t say how I would’ve reacted other than feeling cheated on and making some kind of large change in our life. (we were together since 1985)

I suppose when you’ve been with someone that long, it’s presumed you know exactly how the other feels and he presumed I wouldn’t be into it. But I think the ED issue had a lot to do with it. He seems to have found a way to be a sexual creature without the pressure of having to perform.

I found in his messages with contacts in that world, a lot of discussion about ‘transactional sex’ and ‘protecting your heart.” This was something he said he practiced while being a “sadist” who wanted to “hurt, not harm.”

I wanted to ask, in your first message you said I should “keep it that way” when it comes to telling anyone in our social circle. Can you explain why?

It’s hard enough grieving my dead husband without being able to talk to my close friends about this. Keeping it all a secret is another heavy burden. I feel his secret life shouldn’t have to be mine.

I understand that one day I’ll have to forgive him, but I have no idea how/when this will happen. In the meantime, I’ll continue picking through the pieces of our life that he blew up as he died.

Thank you for your prayers


Senior Kink Talk Member
  • Straight
  • Male
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Jul 27, 2021
Atlanta, Ga, USA
Keep it that way = absolutely.


Because people and society have severe issues when handling sex. On the surface they would be polite and supportive, but away from your face they may back bite and judge.

Thats just more crap you dont need.

Actually his bit of strangeness is all over aside from the associations that have made problems.

You do realize that so many adults in marriage have a "secret garden"?

These can be as simple as smoking a cigarette, or be more complicated like what youve found.

I once knew a married couple of years and i was doing projects on their house and stumbled onto a private space in their basement.

I discovered it because as i was tracing a water line i heard muffled noises.

I was looking for a water shut off valve so i could demo a bathroom for remodel.

As i entered that particular secret garden, i was surpised to discover this middle aged christian society matron had herself a secret sex play room and here she was with an anal plug, nipple clamps, and clitoral clamp while in garter & stockings in full orgasmic slendor.

She realised i must have been there later due to realizing i had accessed the shut off valve.

So she confided to me that her life although openly congenial and saintly left her totally unfulfilled and her super conservative husband was oblivious to quality sex play so she quietly opted for a discrete relief.

I was asked to keep that in confidence and have until now.

That was maybe 15 years ago. Funny thing was, i liked her = alot. Honestly, even then she was a few years older than me i thought she was attractive and looking back, me & her would have made a marvelous couple who would have had a hugely satisfying sexual compatibility.

But i never went there nor dare mention it. Theres was a marriage within a conservative society and divorces were deemed = frowned upon by God Himself.

Having an affair would have been even worse.

I was studying to be a christian ministry worker so that really would have branded me and her.

I think her private garden was sublime.

I have gone on to provide tutilage and helpful services to several ladies since especially in non consumatal sex play items like electro stim, vaginal/clitoral pumping, female ejaculation training, and various forms of anal play.

Its been adult minded, responsible, discrete, non marriage threatening, sophisticated, and erotic.

Its also given a resource to these to gain helpful information, experience, and relief while maintaining their status in society, family, and among peers.

People have HANG UPS. They secretly have deep thoughts and desires but are conditioned to feel guilty and dirty for them so they go into DEFENSIVE RESPONSE MODE.

I hate that. I work to educate, inform, teach, and make a difference within social as well as sexual realms and circles.

I also do christian ministry work.

For me there is NO conflict because God made us as = sexual beings. Therefore = sex & sexuality are for our pleasure unless it becomes violent things like rape, human trafiking, or child molestation.

You had a few surpises and shocks however NONE OF THEM WERE OUTSIDE THE REALM OF GAMES PEOPLE PLAY.

Today there are mumbers of straight married guys who visit "glory holes" so they can have oral sex because the wife refuses to go there. Doesnt matter that its a gay guy doing the job because to them its only a mouth doing a job.

But it saves marriages.

There are 3 things only that make or break a marriage = COMMUNICATION, SEX, AND MONEY.

Please note that SEX COMES AHEAD OF MONEY.


This is regardless of money and communication most often is best while dating.

So i reiterate re keeping it under the table = hubby was a decent husband, neighbor, and friend only with a secret garden.



Those are highly reputable sources.

NEXT THING FOR YOU = FIND OUT EXACTLY WHO AND WHAT YOU ARE, which is highly relevant because here you are registered and engaging at a kink talk forum. What would your personal friends judge over that?

Suddenly things got shifted and you now have a secret garden albeit in the form of a tiny door chasing a strange rabbit and wandering into = alices wonder land.

You do realize that the actual work = ALICE IN WONDER LAND was about a teen girl discovering advanced, kinky, strange, sophisticated, and PERVERTED sex & sexuality???

The enitire epic is wholly psuedo sexual satire which was why a RABBIT aka female sexual icon for several thousands of years started the thing and the HIDDEN DOOR WAS HER FEMALE OPENING.

Oh my.

So tell me now ALICE, how does all that information make you feel?

You see we all have secret gardens. 100% of everybody has these within their minds and private fantasy realms where they privately visit when they masturbate.

This outlet allows for trying and experiencing everything without aftermath of disease, freak babies, unwanted babies, social reprocusions, or legal prosecutions.

Some however expand to create actual secret gardens in physical ways like the oral sex glory hole outlet.

There are sex clubs where women can be gang sexed as that tends to rank high on a females fantasy list because causing multiple guys to become erect, highly aroused, and ejaculating - OVER THEM/BECAUSE OF THEM is a mega boost to libido and self confidence/esteem.

But the females there may be blind folded. This preserves a certain annoymous standing.

Its just sex. Life & death are not at stake. You lost a husband = sad. We always lose people as we go through life = sad.

For God sakes (as well as for yours also) give his passing and your own life some freaking dignity.

Even smut peddler larry flint had a dignified eulogy and tombstone. Then we all moved on. Apparently he had been a decent guy outside his smut world , who would have known it.

OR, maybe that was what the eulogy and closing bio afforded him in the way of human dignity.

I think you deserve that much, and frankly quite a bit more.

Stop trying to judge. Stop trying to blame. Stop trying to understand. People do all sorts of quirks they themselves cant understand so how can an outsider?

Deal with you. Its not about him anymore and its not about you as a couple anymore. Its about you as a single woman now.

What does that mean to be there after not being single (ALONE) for so many years?

I think that is what is driving you = fear, aloneness, and uncertainty.

Just because this site involves kinks and fetishes = it also involves PEOPLE. You are here for a reason. Your support, encouragement, and helpful insight will be found here far out of reach of your judgemental peer circle.

Make that work for you.


<:: Verified ::>
  • Straight
  • Male
  • Submissive
Jan 9, 2008
I stumbled into this topic and I find myself into it.
What if my wife finds out I am following a lot of kinky topics and sometimes engage in conversations and get attracted into kinky play?

I've been doing it for years, even before we married. But I still love her and she knows that. And nothing made me reconsider my relationship. If she finds out she will probably have your reaction. Or she will have fun on me.

I never cheated her in real life. But I feel the urge sometimes to be in my world.
She recently pointed me that our sex life is not quite good, I kind of ignored her.
Another reason for looking around is probably the aging where I needed something to make me feel younger. But I keep it as a secret and not ruin my relationship in adultery.

Here I can talk anything. But I never introduced my wife to this forum.

That's being said think he was protecting your relationship and was with you all the time. What you found in his phone was something like computer games. Nothing real in your life. Trust me, he didn't change his relationship with you. By the way, astrological, was he Pisces? Because it might explain.

And don't think much. "Till death do as part" the priest told you when you married means STOP!: you must live your life. Find a partner. Have sex. No one will judge you and if one does, that one means no one important to you.

I have women in my family that went nuts after losing their husbands and their kids were deeply affected being ignored. And we all saw their mental changes in aging. Don't!
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