Need dom advice

[Wizard37]

Hi everyone!

Don't know how to start my question, but generally, I'd like to start doing BDSM and don't know how to.

The situation seems a bit special to me, I found nothing on the web, hope you can give me a good advice.

Firstly, I'm married, very happy with my wife and our relationships (hope she's happy too), happy about our sex life.
But, from time to time I feel she wants something more.
We've talked about this before and I tried to again yesterday, so I know she wants something more BDSM-like.

It's very uncomfortable for her to talk about it, she fears I will not understand and accept her kinks.
It looks like she's completely resigned to the fact that this won't happen in her life.

No matter how much I try to figure out what exactly turns her on, all the talks just make her shy, sad and uncomfortable.

The most weird part of it is that... she wants to be more submissive, and I'm very dominant by my nature. So I want it also, and most probably my kinks are far more extreme than hers. Can't know for sure, of course.

Ever since I found out what sex is, all my fantasies was about being in charge, overpower, control, rough sex and so on. Not all the things being associated with BDSM turns me on, of course, but some I find very appealing.
That is what I did in sex my whole life with each and every partner, and I feel great about it.

Same is true for my wife... with some exceptions.
Unfortunately, I don't feel free to do what I want. I'm not that big, actually, but a little to big for her. So, most of the time I have to be much more gentle that I'd like to. We have to be cautious when choosing poses, as some of them are "worse" than others in that perspective.
In the beginning of our relationship it even caused minor medical issues.
The more she is arroused, the less pain and risk of injury, but it never goes to zero anyway.
What's even worse, I cannot know for sure how much arroused (physically) she is, as it may or may not correspond to her emotional arrousal.

So, I cannot act confident, cannot fulfill my primal urges, feel limited all the time.
There is probably something more about it, maybe the way our relations has already developed.
Maybe it's also about her personality.
I don't know.

Anyway, could you give me any advice?

 

[subzzzero]

Simple clear clothes on communication. But I know it’s not that simple.

Open up to her that you like these things. You support her possible like of these things. And discuss if it is something y’all would like to explore together.

Give her kink related websites like here at kinktalk, fetlife, etc. so that she can explore at her own comfortable pace.
Maybe even find local munches and either go as a couple or separately depending on what each is comfortable with. Munch organizers are usually (not always) more experienced and may be able to point you both in the direction of same gender same role mentors to help out.

But it all comes down to talk it out. Don’t try to just push it or force it in the moment during sex. This is the worst approach to it. Let her know you’re curious supportive and open. But it’s going to have to be on her own time or you’ll never get there.

 

[Wishofbeat]

Communication is always a challenge, start small

This could work, try make it a Game.

Write down in cards the fetiches that you would like to try, and that your wife does the same.

Then sit down together and hold your cards, You pick one Card from your wife, she picks one of You.

Match one of your cards with her card, and she does the same, if there isnt a Match, discard, try again, if there is a Match, explore that kink

 

[Doctor Pervert]

There's some good advice from both @subzzzero and @Wishofbeat here, talking always helps.

However, in this instance I have a couple of specific things you maybe should consider. First, don't let your keenness to explore your kinks overshadow her, put your ideas on the back burner and first work out what she really wants.
And my second idea is to take what clues you have and just start exploring with her, gently and carefully so you can try to tease out what she wants from this.

Don't equate sex with the bdsm at this stage, explore the D/s side in a mostly non-sexual way to get to grips with just how submissive and in what respects she actually is. By this I mean you could start with some simple obedience work, have her take up various submissive poses. Start out clothed or in underwear rather than naked and run through some of the more basic positions. She will either fall right into this or find it awkward and embarrassing which is why clothed is good way to start out. If she doesn't respond well you need to abandon the idea and start again. However if she is actually submissive she will relish this taking of control and want to show her willingness to please by conforming.

From there it's a matter of building trust, trust that you will look after her while she is vulnerable to you and trust you will never laugh or be shocked by ideas she has. Above all move slowly, explain what you are doing, what you want her to do and keep checking she is ok all along.

The reason I'm suggesting action over words is simply that she seems to be too embarrassed or reluctant to speak it out loud. This isn't an uncommon thing, I've seen it happen before with females and it seems to be tied into the way they've grown up being told how women are strong and independent and this appears to create a real conflict about giving in to their submissive desires.

One final suggestion you might like to consider. Instead of speaking to her again, try setting out some sort of introductory scenario in a note. You could leave it out for her so that when you come home for instance she is ready for you. It could be a simple setup where you tell her to prepare by waiting for you in the bedroom kneeling on the floor, the "expose" pose (I've attached a handy guide sheet) is ideal for this. Only she could be clothed or in underwear rather than naked.
This could be followed up with having her hold a few other poses, you could perform an inspection and so on but as suggested earlier keep it short and gentle. Make sure you reassure her how well she is doing etc and keep a close eye to make sure she isn't getting distressed.

It could be a long, slow process but haste here could put her off for good. Be patient and look to her interests first and you should find things go much smoother. Good luck!

 

[Wizard37]

Thank you all very much.
Looks like its time for me to try