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newbiesub

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Apr 28, 2020
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Hey guys. I am new to all of this. Being a sub is something I’ve always wanted but I don’t know much and I have never been with a guy who is dominate like I want. I’m hoping I can get my boyfriend to open up with me. Any suggestions? Advice? Tips? Ideas?
 

Magnetic

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Jul 19, 2016
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How is your bf like character wise? Does he leads you or does he likes to be lead by you? Even if he opens up to BDSM, do not expect that to change!

Now, I there are some BDSM long movies out there. I haven't checked them out, but I have seen a few BDSM porn flicks for free on the web that where 2 or even 3 hours long. Set up a date with your bf to watch them. There are not many, so that the chances of finding one to your exact specs are quite low, but you could always use them as an starting point...

Make sure to cum wildly once or twice during the film... That ought to call his attention for sure! If you don't know how to do this, I can show you how.
 
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Magnetic

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And no, that does not includes faking it! You will cum while watching the film.
 

newbiesub

Kinky Newbie
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Apr 28, 2020
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That’s a good idea. He is neither. It’s how to explain. He doesn’t take control and he’s not a huge fan when I do. It’s just your average vanilla sex. I have been trying to spice things up. Working alittle bit but I want someone to take complete control of me.
 

poetrylover828

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Aug 19, 2017
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I would suggest an open and honest conversation. Finding a list of some kinks/fetishes you are into and then sharing with him some of the things you like and talking about it. Let him know that if he needs time to think or look something’s up before he really knows how to respond is okay. Some people aren’t very open about sex and kinks. So there is a chance even if he is interested he will need some time to sort of adjust.
This is a conversation you should have with clothes on. No starting to do things just talking about it. Ask him questions about things he is curious about (maybe have a copy of a kink/fetish list he can mark up with what he wants to look into). Let him ask you questions as well.

I’ve had open conversations with kinky friends about things I’m interested in and their interested in that has helped me understand myself better. So doing this with a partner will hopefully bring even better results (not quite the wording I want but it’s as close as I can think of).
 

subzzzero

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Dec 6, 2015
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How is your bf like character wise? Does he leads you or does he likes to be lead by you? Even if he opens up to BDSM, do not expect that to change!

Now, I there are some BDSM long movies out there. I haven't checked them out, but I have seen a few BDSM porn flicks for free on the web that where 2 or even 3 hours long. Set up a date with your bf to watch them. There are not many, so that the chances of finding one to your exact specs are quite low, but you could always use them as an starting point...

Make sure to cum wildly once or twice during the film... That ought to call his attention for sure! If you don't know how to do this, I can show you how.

First off this is not a way one should approach a discussion with a vanilla partner about kink.
Second the post ends with the person ordering you to cum and if you "dont know how to he can show you" Big red flag there! This was a cast out in hopes a new person would bite and he would get some easy play. The original post in no way said it was seeking orgasm direction or play. This was a selfish dig at trying to muscle in as a dom under the guise of "helping"


I have to agree here with what @poetrylover828 says. Dont approach this in a sexual charged manner as was first suggested. This needs to be a face to face talk in person sober and clothed. We all know we can all have clouded judgement in the heat of a sexual moment and that is not the way to discuss exploring kink.
I suggest knowing first why youre interested in it yourself. Know what kink things are you into. Then sit down and explain to him that you enjoy these things and care for him and would like to explore them together. Have some links to references for him so he can learn as well. You need to find out if he is even interested in the dominant side. If hes naturally submissive and you try forcing him into a dom role youll both find a lack of pleasure and eventually a collapse there. Check with your local community, take him with you to munches, lots of dungeons have demo nights or like kink 101 type things. A safe way for you both to spectate the scene and learn from experienced safe people in a safe atmosphere. Maybe even find a legit vetted mentor for the two of you so that you have an oversight as you both are new and learning. This is quite commonplace to have when both sides are new to the exploration. As two newcomers can be very dangerous due to lack of knowledge and experience.

I cant emphasize this point enough "PORN is not reality" Those vids and pics are all staged just like any other movie. They dont address the actual dynamic foundation, the rules, the negotiating, limits, safewords, aftercare, the dangerous and the risk involved. They are made for entertainment purposes. Actors playing a part.

i will direct message you a site with some links to good references for beginners so that maybe you can research more as well.
 

Magnetic

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Jul 19, 2016
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That’s a good idea. He is neither. It’s how to explain. He doesn’t take control and he’s not a huge fan when I do. It’s just your average vanilla sex. I have been trying to spice things up. Working alittle bit but I want someone to take complete control of me.

No, I do not mean in a BDSM way... You can take control even in a plain vanilla encounter. Heck, you can take control even when outside of the bedroom!

Does he does that or do you do it?
 

poetrylover828

<<::: Verified :::>> Panda ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ
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Aug 19, 2017
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One thing to note is having a dominant attitude in job settings or day to day life doesn’t automatically mean one is going to be dominant in a BDSM relationship. There are many people who are taking charge in their day to day life but then when they play they are submissive.

Honestly an open conversation with them is the best way to go. I agree with @subzzero has said as well. Make sure to take some time to figure out what you are interested in. Plus y’all can start small if after you talk he wants to try things. Lovehoney has some sexy couple games and beginner bondage sets. I’m sure other sex toy stores have similar things.
 

Magnetic

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Jul 19, 2016
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One thing to note is having a dominant attitude in job settings or day to day life doesn’t automatically mean one is going to be dominant in a BDSM relationship. There are many people who are taking charge in their day to day life but then when they play they are submissive.

Really? Such a thing is inconceivable to me. No one I have ever known does that!
 

Merlin

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Really? Such a thing is inconceivable to me. No one I have ever known does that!
Then you should really start to meet more people , in my experience every day behavior has little to no influence on being dominant or submissive in a relationship.
They even are 2 very different skill sets.
You can not see if someone is dominant, submissive by every day interacting with them, at least not reliably

And to newbiesub, poetrylover828 is basically right , Your only way is to talk with him, and be aware that this is nothing you can or should force on to him. Maybe he would agree to look into it with you, seeing as it is all new to you to. But be aware it should be his decision and his pace the same for you.

Beside of that you did the right thing to start and that is asking questions , ask a lot of them and talk with people about things. Be aware of people giving you orders the first moment you meet though.
Take your time , go slow, and ask when unsure.
 
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subzzzero

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Really? Such a thing is inconceivable to me. No one I have ever known does that!

I agree with the others. You need to get out more and experience more people.

I have found several subs that are powerhouse dominant all day long bosses, CEOs, law enforcement, military, moms, etc. They live the dominant role all day long and they want that time of submission where they can just turn the switch to off and be in the moment, free of decisions and control. Each one has told me variations of what they actually get out of it and why but the big picture from them all is that its a release from the day to day role and it helps them decompress and recharge. I have also met plenty or subs who are in a submissive role in the day to day life as well because it is just what they enjoy. The vanilla role does not determine the kinklife role. I hope you havent mislead too many giving advice like that with such a narrow line of experience.
 
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Magnetic

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Jul 19, 2016
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I agree with the others. You need to get out more and experience more people.

I do have a lot of experience with a lot of different people. I am not saying you are just a bunch of liars, rather than my my experience has been different than yours. Your assumption of me not meeting enough people is incorrect and highly offensive!
 

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