Polyamory in BDSM scene

lostandconfused

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Aug 7, 2014
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Hello all:

I am still a newbie to the scene, about 2 years ago I found my first Dom on a BDSM site, we have chemistry and we do connect, but I got scared and didn't know how to communicate well, anyways I do not wish to drivel on with the long winded back story, to make it as short as I can, he found himself a 19 year old young sub, he was 35 when I met him when he found her he was 36, now he is 37 and she is 20, they connected as well but she came from experience in all things D/s whereas I did not, she is a bisexual 20 year old switch that bottoms with men and tops with women, I was asked to be part of their polyamory exploratory phase of their relationship.

I got attached to him and we stayed friends when he made her his primary partner, I do not know how to handle my emotions right now. I am numb when he asked me to join them. He wants me to drop my guard little and little and he and I are to talk more about all this, but I feel he is only doing this because of his girl, not because he really wants me, I wanted to be his primary partner but I sank that ship myself long before he found her due to my unspoken fears and insecurities.

I'm 34 this year and I do not believe in marriage, but I've only ever known monogamy, so what should I do?
 

df6wen

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May 6, 2008
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Preface: I am a male polyamorous dominant with a primary slave.

If you don't feel that you are a valued then don't get involved. If you feel he is trying to manipulate you then you should run as far and as fast as you can.
 

lostandconfused

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I wanted to be his primary partner, she is his primary partner, I don't know if I can see them together, I have yet to meet her. He wants us three to meet. Please can you tell me more about the polyamory side of BDSM and having a primary partner? I know I will never be his primary partner, but I don't know if I can handle being his secondary. We have not even started or done anything at all, it's all just talk right now.
 

df6wen

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Done right, it is both a lot of work and yet not. It isn't for everyone however. In my experience it requires all parties to be confident and comfortable with themselves. Right now, my primary serves to help me by interview potential girls. with us a secondary would serve largely to help me satisfy her high sex drive and also for company, cuddles, fun, dates, etc.
 

Dom6BDSM

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So basically you are asking us how to get him to accept you as primary and kick out her ?


Well maybe that you are better off finding someone who like you.
 

droptokon

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I think the simple answer here is that if you are feeling this way you are not polyamorous, period. Its like any other sexual orientation, you either are or you aren't, don't feel bad that you can't join them. It doesn't make it any easier to deal with I know but its the way it is. In truth I have known only a few truly poly folk in all the years I have been involved in the scene and I have seen many good relationships break up because of trying it when it doesn't fit. It might seem archaic in this modern world but there is something hard wired in most brains that drives monogamy, its not logic, its emotion.
 

sum1

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I think the simple answer here is that if you are feeling this way you are not polyamorous, period. Its like any other sexual orientation, you either are or you aren't, don't feel bad that you can't join them. It doesn't make it any easier to deal with I know but its the way it is. In truth I have known only a few truly poly folk in all the years I have been involved in the scene and I have seen many good relationships break up because of trying it when it doesn't fit. It might seem archaic in this modern world but there is something hard wired in most brains that drives monogamy, its not logic, its emotion.

Came here to say basically that. From everything you've said it sounds like you're not particularly comfortable with the idea, and it sounds like more than just nerves. Poly is difficult. Period. Some people thrive off of that and love it, others like the idea (especially doms, hell who wouldn't like the idea of two pretty subs to play with) but when it comes to it you find that at the end of the day you're holding down a very complex set of relationships. Don't forget poly means you're entering a relationship with her as well as him, even if the relationship between you isn't sexual. You'll still need to be able to get on very well with her and end up being close to her for things to work

We tried it a couple of times and found we couldn't make it work. We're stronger as a couple now for the experiment, but it did make things rough at the time.
 
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lostandconfused

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I don't want to get rid of his primary partner, you are completely wrong, I am struggling with the emotional walls I rebuilt after everything, especially after he made her his primary partner and what he told me as to how he led to deciding to do so regarding himself and her paired up as a couple.

I want to be his sub and he wants me, he told me he has expanded and that he is lucky that she, his girlfriend wants him to take on another sub, but I have all these questions and insecurities and fears that still needed to be addressed.

I'm working to address it with him and with her, I love him yes and he does not love me, he loves her, all he keeps telling me is he cares deeply for me. He said he wants to be more than friends now with me, but that does not translate to him and I becoming a couple now since he is a couple with her.

This is why I am so torn and why I am hurting and want so much clarity.
 

Domineer

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May 22, 2013
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This is why I am so torn and why I am hurting and want so much clarity.

The best clarity you can get is to move on.

It sounds like you respect his new woman, and therefore you don't want him to get rid of her, but you'd prefer if it was just you and him.

If he didn't want you when he had all of you he certainly doesn't deserve you as the extra spice on his new meal.

There is nothing that extends the pain of a break-up as bad as when the one that broke it keeps offering treats to the one that is heartbroken.

In more general terms, I'd say that polyamory is difficult at best - and while it's often initiated by the dominant, my experience is that it only works when it's a true desire expressed by the submissive.
 
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droptokon

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Your last post raises a key point, for poly to work ALL the participants must be poly. That is what it means poly(many) amorous(love), you all have to love each other. If the guy just wants a collection of females with one "favourite" that's a harem. Nothing wrong with that as long as all are clear about it and accept what is going on.
In the past I have had times when I was seeing 3 or 4 different subs, some once or twice a week, some only once a month or so. They were BDSM play partners and were well aware of each other (even playing together occasionally) but there was never any pretence of it being any kind of poly relationship.
 
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