Porn Preference Shame

[MissLucyD]

Hey all, very much new here and feel I'm probably not posting in quite the right place or even the right forum, as I'm not part of the kink community, but felt like this would be a safe space to ask this question amongst open minded people who are more experienced in the world of these conversations than myself. I'm sure this post will seem very vanilla in comparison to most, but I'm hoping people can maybe help me clarify my own feelings in some way?

I don't watch porn that often, maybe once every couple of weeks, but when I do I always gravitate towards porn that I don't understand why I like. Every now and then I'll go to romantic or audio porn and somewhat imagine myself in the situation, but as someone who has never orgasmed with a partner, only by myself with a vibrator, i think i often feel disconnected from my body in that way during sex. I am also almost always single, when I'm dating someone I find I masturbate about them, me with them, but when I'm single I go back to this stuff. Most of the time I find myself watching porn that kind of grosses me out. Mostly people fucking on stage, often people I don't even find attractive, or solo male maturbation videos, even male strippers with big dicks. I have no fucking clue why. If I were to encounter any of those situations in real life I wouldn't like it or be turned on. I don't like the idea of real life voyeurism. I also sometimes watch videos of women masturbating and squirting on stage, and I feel so gross and dirty when I do. I don't understand why I'm drawn to that. It's like I like watching sexual behaviour that's "wrong" and inappropriate by societal standards. It's not a fantasy of mine to be a part of anything like that. Please forgive my negative language here by the way, I don't judge anyone else's sexual preferences whatsoever, I feel these things about myself only.

Sometimes I hear people talking about their porn preferences and they usually are into situations in which they'd like to be involved, and sound pretty cool or un-embarrassing to admit. I can literally never tell people what kind of porn I masturbate to because I think they'd think I was a total freak. I appreciate there is way kinkier and more niche stuff out there, like I say this probably sounds really vanilla, but I think what bothers me the most about it is why? Why do I masturbate to things that in real life I would find horrible, that wouldn't turn me on at all to be a part of? Any thoughts are very much welcome. I'd like to be able to accept this part of myself and own it, or understand it at least instead of feeling embarrassed by it.

Thanks for reading x

 

[sexyseniorctzn]

I have been a porn addict since I was a kid. We are talking 60 years ago. I used to make up any excuse I could to masturbate, like x number of naked women pictured in my grandmother's magazines. (old ladies in the 60s did not read Cosmo) If I didn't make that number, I would change my definition of what i considered naked unti I did find enough then masturbate anyway.

As I got older more explicit types of stimulation became possible and now after years of computer porn, I find it boring as hell. I just watch whatever catches my fancy at the moment. It doesn't matter what, if the thumbnail captures my interest I will watch. (Now it is more like fast forward through it finding whatever different things they may do)

Remember. Nothing in porn is real. I have dealt out many orgasms and never had one squirt yet. Now, thanks to recent changes in porn the women seem to feel that is normal. Men squirt. Women do not. Women can have more than one orgasm. Men it is one per customer until he waits for a while. One porn video can be shot over a period of days and is often aided by Viagra for people who don't normally need it.

Just relax. Porn is simply another form of entertainment. Whatever turns you on is what turns you on. That is why there are so many different kinds of porn. There is something for everybody. It is perfectly normal to want some stimulation. Take your entertainment where you find it.

If you have never orgasmed with a partner, you need to find some better, less selfish partners. Back before I knew anything about females and orgasms, I had all the orgasms. The woman who popped my cherry showed me how to bring a woman to orgasm. (after I had already shot my load all by myself) She showed me what a female orgasm is, and how to give it. (She sat on the edge of the bed and had me lick her until she came) Since then, I have always tried to make sure that my partner gets an orgasm first. If I cum first (which is most of the time) I will slide down and give her oral until she cums, too. You deserve relief as much as he does. Don't be afraid to ask for it.

 

[MissLucyD]

Thanks for taking the time to reply @sexyseniorctzn, I do find a lot of what you say there quite comforting, and you're right in that this stuff wouldn't exist if people weren't watching it, so clearly it floats the boat of many people.

Re the not orgasming with partners thing, I genuinely can't blame my partners, I've had incredibly selfish partners over time and incredibly generous ones. For whatever reason, I was never able to make myself orgasm until I was 23, and even then it was when I bought my first vibrator. I think I'm somewhat lacking in sensitivity down there, even now I use my vibrator on a setting that would probably kill some other women I lost my virginity at 15 so went through 8 years of having sex with partners where I couldn't orgasm, and felt that would disappoint them, so would fake it to hide the shame I felt about being defective in some way. That was a bad habit that continued for years, and something I promised myself in the last five years that I'd stop doing, but now I find if a man' goes down on me for instance, its a mental block that I can't get over. I can't even come close to beginning to orgasm. To me it feels like psychologically orgasms are something that happens with a vibrator and when I'm alone. I do wonder if I end up with a partner who can accept that about me, that we could work together to change that, but so far I'm not with that guy. Either way it's deffo not the guys' fault. When I was younger and a guy would try to go down on me I'd pull his head up and wouldn't let him. I was immature enough back then to think they didn't want to and were just doing it out of a feeling of obligation. Sex was very performative for me and became all about their pleasure as I knew I couldn't orgasm. Clearly I'm all sorts of fucked in the head around orgasms.

 

[Doctor Pervert]

Hello and welcome. You managed to pick the most appropriate forum so well done there, you're ahead of many others on that score.
Getting to the heart of your perceived problem which seems to be orgasms. It isn't uncommon for women to find regular sex and in particular clitoral stimulation doesn't get them over the line. The fact that it took the use of a vibrator is suggestive that perhaps you respond more to g-spot stimulation if indeed it was using the vibe inserted that finally got the result you had been searching for. This seems to correlate with the fact that guys going down on you get no result which again relies on clitoral stimulation.
So why does a vibe do it when a guy fucking you doesn't? Well, most likely simply that regular penetration doesn't do much for the g-spot while a good vibe will provide the extra "buzz" needed. Plus you can easily guide the vibe to do what feels right, while relying on a guy who in all truth is more likely concentrating on getting himself off is not going to hit the right spot.
So hopefully this is making some kind of sense? There are in fact other even deeper spots that some ladies find provide better stimulation, the posterior and anterior fonices but these are far less likely to be involved if you get good orgasms from vibrators.
Anyway, you are indeed in a safe space to discuss this, no kink shaming, no judgement, I hope we can help ease your anxiety.

 

[MissLucyD]

Thanks so much @droptokon! Glad to hear you feel I'm in the right place Whilst I'm not part of the kink community myself (yet!), I do have friends who are, and recognise through them what a non-judgemental and open place it is to discuss these things.

Re the orgasm thing, it actual is clitoral stimulation that I use the vibes for, I don't use them internally (I like the small bullet type) and have never had an orgasm from any kind of internal stimulation. Honestly, when men go down on me, it's not as though I'm unable to tell the difference between what's good and bad oral sex, and I believe wholeheartedly that many of my past partners have given orgasms to other women this way, whilst I feel some physical pleasure I don't feel even an iota of an orgasm. I actually read a great book on the subject called Come As You Are that I hope to put to some use when I'm next with a partner that I trust. It seems to me that, for women especially, orgasms can be purely physical for some and a mix of mental and physical for others. I believe for me the mental side plays a huge, somewhat overwhelming part, but also that feeling of being disappointing to a partner during sex because they cannot make me orgasm, so feeling I have to hide that, is huge.

I still don't feel much closer to realising why I watch the type of porn that I do though... where do these strange preferences come from? I always feel so gross after watching it like it's some dirty secret, and i don't like to have things about myself that I feel have to be secret.

 

[gbdare]

The mind can be a funny thing and there are many competing thoughts and motivations that determine the end emotional response and behavior. My best guess as to why you are turned on by situations in porn that you would not want to experience "for real" is that you may have the tendency to be aroused by those situations and that because viewing it as porn is a safe situation, the unconscious inhibition (related to risk or fear) that your mind has placed on a real experience of such situations is removed. To use a non-sexual analogy, I find videos of skydiving to be exciting and I've enjoyed going to Ifly (a skydiving simulator), but I am repulsed by the idea of actually skydiving. The thrill does not justify the risk in my mind.

 

[MissLucyD]

@gbdare that is a really thought provoking response. That essentially I would only even find them arousing when they ARE porn, that even if I did experience them in real life, all the connotations attached to that experience would make it impossible to find them arousing. That in real life they would gross me out but on my computer screen in my bedroom they work BECAUSE I'm alone and not in the situation. For some reason I find watching male strippers who take things "too far" on stage in real strip shows gets me off really easily. In real life I find male strippers totally unerotic, the very well hung stripper at my friend's hen party had me crying with laughter. In porn when I watch solo male stuff, I like them to be quite "showy" with the way they handle themselves, very aware that they have an audience, quite animalistic facial expressions etc... if a partner behaved that way in front of me in the bedroom I'd be horrified, not my cup of tea at all in the flesh. What the hell is that about?! Thanks for making me feel I can talk openly about this here, I never do, it's very helpful and really interesting, thank you.

 

[Doctor Pervert]

@gbdare that is a really thought provoking response. That essentially I would only even find them arousing when they ARE porn, that even if I did experience them in real life, all the connotations attached to that experience would make it impossible to find them arousing. That in real life they would gross me out but on my computer screen in my bedroom they work BECAUSE I'm alone and not in the situation. For some reason I find watching male strippers who take things "too far" on stage in real strip shows gets me off really easily. In real life I find male strippers totally unerotic, the very well hung stripper at my friend's hen party had me crying with laughter. In porn when I watch solo male stuff, I like them to be quite "showy" with the way they handle themselves, very aware that they have an audience, quite animalistic facial expressions etc... if a partner behaved that way in front of me in the bedroom I'd be horrified, not my cup of tea at all in the flesh. What the hell is that about?! Thanks for making me feel I can talk openly about this here, I never do, it's very helpful and really interesting, thank you.

Ok interesting, so from your description of male strippers going too far I assume you mean those theatrical setups where the stripper ends up with one (or more) of the "audience" sucking him off then cumming all over her? If I recall correctly "Dancing Bear" were one of the originals doing this?
So really this comes down to a more deep seated, subconscious or unacknowledged fantasy. In fact you may find that your reaction to the stripper at the party was actually a kind of self protective reaction to prevent you falling into your internal fantasy in such an exposed situation.
Interestingly this reaction of laughing is a common issue with couples who experiment with role playing games. Often one partner finds they can't fall into the situation and will laugh either while dressing or when seeing their partner dressed in costume etc. This is a problem as it can be seen as a rejection if not handled correctly and sensitively. I have encountered this a couple of times with submissives who get giggly or laugh when being tied up for the first time.
Laughing seems to be a default reaction when people find themselves in novel situations, especially something they may have been thinking or dreaming of doing for a long time. I see this when teaching rock climbing, some people get the giggles really badly when harnessed up and about to begin.
I think it is also common for women to find it much harder than men to acknowledge, even to themselves that they enjoy being "dirty". Society places all kinds of expectations on us and and the male/female double standards are still rife. If guys go to a strip club, well its just guys being guys. If girls do it they need to arrange a group outing and have an "excuse" for doing it, like the hens night thing.
Perhaps the real you only comes out when you're alone in the bedroom, with no one else watching your reaction you can indulge that deep, inner secret world?

 

[MissLucyD]

Thanks again @droptokon, another thought provoking response. Sill some of it doesn't ring true for me, not because you're wrong in what you're suggesting, but in me mulling over those ideas and answering the question they bring up for me is actually getting me a little closer to answers for myself.

The laughter with my friend's stripper was genuine, I've seen videos of it since posted by friends and even when I'm alone the feeling is never of arousal of any kind. But maybe it was the kind of tongue in cheek (so to speak!) performance he gave, who knows. Am I allowed to post porn hub links here? Maybe that would shed some light on the type of thing I watch. What your post has made me realise though is that many of these videos are an extension of "fantasies" I had as a child and young teen as my sexuality began to develop. I can't quite believe I never made that connection before.

When I was younger and in bed, I used to play out scenes of a man, in an empty nightclub sat on a chair (I think his hands must have been bound), and a woman undressing herself on and around him. I never touched myself, or imagined myself part of it, it was purely watching them. If I lost the thread of my thoughts I'd start again, over and over. I'd get what I used to call to myself a "funny feeling down there". Bless little me Essentially I was getting myself as close to orgasm as someone can without touching themselves, sometimes I'll have those kinds of orgasms in my dreams so I feel they're possible. I used to get the same feeling locking myself in the bathroom with my Mum's catalogues and seeing the women's nipples through lacy bras when I was about 7. And there was never any inclination to touch myself during, it was all mental and visual stimulation. So none of whatever sexually awakened me involved me, having sex. It was always looking at other people's bodies or sexual behaviour from the outside. I actually find even now I'm never driven particularly to have sex with someone purely for the sex, its romantic love and appreciation that turns me on there... but the two feelings are so different. Perhaps my being a part of the sex is part of what makes it hard for me to orgasm?! If so that's a serious Catch 22

I'm also realising as I type, the literal first moments of my own sexual feelings as a child, alongside the catalogue, there was a sex manual of my friend's parent's that my friend and I found, we'd look at the pictures and talk about that "funny feeling down there", but then I also vividly remember this scene from a film, which thanks to YouTube I've just found again now, and watching it has actually made me laugh at the sweetness of my own sexual thoughts as a kid. This was in 1988 so I was six! It was a film called "My Stepmother is an Alien" which had a pre-sex scene between Dan Akroyd and Kim Basinger, and watching her overtly sexual behaviour in it, and his overt reaction to it, did something to me that I'd never felt before. The part where she rips her neglige open made me feel incredibly intese physical things I had no understanding of. I used to play that scene over and over in my head at night, I'd never come to orgasm or masturbate, I'd just feel this strange feeling of forbidden pleasure over it.

Here it is for you to laugh along at my innocent sexual awakening

Is it the case that our first sexual experiences will always influence our sexual thoughts and feelings? The stripper videos or on stage sex that I watch, I actually never get to the cum shot. I hate that part of all porn. It's often just the performative part, showing off these great big dicks and parading around in front of clothed women, on stage. Or similarly a female performing a sex show to an audience of males and their open mouthed staring. Sometimes two porn stars fuckking but the fact that there's an audience there is essential. Is that all just the ramped up over three decades version of what first turned me on as a kid? I genuinely don't think i'd enjoy watching anything similar in real life. The only way I can imagine it getting me off would be if I was behind blacked out glass. But even then I feel like the mental side of actually being there and it being real life would mess with my head too much for me to enjoy it, I think I'd feel too depraved.

Is any of that making sense? Thanks so much for leading me through this thought process so far all of you, what an amazing forum ❤

 

[gbdare]

In Neuro-Linguistic Programming (or what Tony Robbins calls Neuro-Associative Conditioning) they talk about "associative" (which basically means you are "in" and part of the experience) and "disassociative" (you are an outside observer) experiences. Association/disassociation can occur with real life experiences, as in you are actually in or outside of the live action, or they can occur when you imagine or remember an experience. Associative experiences tend to elicit more intense emotions and reactions than disaccociative ones. It sounds to me like the type of scene you like when watching porn (and are disassociated from the experience) may be too intense for you to enjoy it in a more associated manner. In other words, when you're disassociated from it, it's just the right amount of arousing whereas when you are associated to it, anxiety and/or other emotions and physical sensations may overwhelm any pleasurable arousal you might get from it. Unfortunately, as you said, this may be why you have trouble fully enjoying in-person sexual encounters. The good news is that you can probably improve that situation with some of the techniques of NLP or NAC, especially "anchoring", the use of "submodalities" and something Tony Robbins calls "the swish technique". My suggestion would be to get one of his books as a starting point if you have an interest. His early books, Unlimited Power and Awaken the Giant Within are quite good for self-help in this sort of thing.

 

[sexyseniorctzn]

All of us keep touching on the subject or around it. I have a hunch that your problem with orgasm is psychological. I could be wrong but you keep mentioning words like dirty. Somewhere, early in your development you got the notion that sexual pleasure is a dirty, bad thing. I remember back when I was about eightish my cousins told me that their mother had told them that your parts down there aren't dirty. Your feet are much dirtier and you aren't ashamed of them. It was an earth shaking revelation for them.

Now, my mental health education was a long time ago and has never really been followed up, but I have a feeling that your problem stems from some deep subconscious feeling within you that sexual pleasure is dirty and bad. Your conscious mind knows better, but deep inside, something is holding you back.

You might want to think about therapy. I know there are sex therapists out there and I firmly believe that a hypno-therapist may help you, too. I have chatted with a few hypno-therapists in a Skype group I belong to and I have seen some of what hypnosis can do. I can't help but think that you could benefit from hypnosis, or therapy. Finding a competent therapist is the hard part and I have not been able to crack it myself yet. I am trying to find a hypnotherapist to help my wife with pain management.

It might help you to look into that option. Deep rooted psychological ideas can cause all sorts of problems in ways we just can't figure out because they are not rational, but buried deep within ourselves and manifest themselves in ways that just don't make any sense.

I wish I could suggest some places to look. I wrote several of them down but can't find where in the hell I wrote them down. A lot of it will depend on where you are. A large metropolitan area will have a lot more options available than we have in our small, rather isolated area. I hope you can find the answers you are looking for. Good luck.

 

[MissLucyD]

Funnily enough @gbdare I actually love Tony Robbins and have read both books you mention, I've gone back to them often over the years in various situations but have never re-read them in relation to my sexuality, but I can certainly see some truth in what you're saying there, thankyou! And @sexyseniorctzn thanks for you thoughtful response. Unfortunately it's near impossible for me to put across the full spectrum of my sexuality and feelings about sex in a few messages, but all I would say on the "dirty" thing is that it's only how I feel when I watch the type of porn I mention. I never feel that way during actual sex. It's only when I find myself drawn to watching voyeuristic porn that almost verges on unpleasant or depraved to me that I feel that way. I guess I feel it because it feels in some way at odds with who I am and how I conduct myself in the world. Because I know a lot of people would find it repulsive, so I feel ashamed that it's what I navigate towards. My own sex life is so different. I can happily go years at a time without sex, and I actually often wonder if I'm demisexual. If I'm not dating someone, I don't think about or crave sex with a partner at all. Sex for me is more about physical and emotional intimacy than orgasms. It seems my masturbation/orgasm life and my "sex life" are completely separate things?! There's no connection or crossover between the two whatsoever.

 

[Doctor Pervert]

Funnily enough @gbdare I actually love Tony Robbins and have read both books you mention, I've gone back to them often over the years in various situations but have never re-read them in relation to my sexuality, but I can certainly see some truth in what you're saying there, thankyou! And @sexyseniorctzn thanks for you thoughtful response. Unfortunately it's near impossible for me to put across the full spectrum of my sexuality and feelings about sex in a few messages, but all I would say on the "dirty" thing is that it's only how I feel when I watch the type of porn I mention. I never feel that way during actual sex. It's only when I find myself drawn to watching voyeuristic porn that almost verges on unpleasant or depraved to me that I feel that way. I guess I feel it because it feels in some way at odds with who I am and how I conduct myself in the world. Because I know a lot of people would find it repulsive, so I feel ashamed that it's what I navigate towards. My own sex life is so different. I can happily go years at a time without sex, and I actually often wonder if I'm demisexual. If I'm not dating someone, I don't think about or crave sex with a partner at all. Sex for me is more about physical and emotional intimacy than orgasms. It seems my masturbation/orgasm life and my "sex life" are completely separate things?! There's no connection or crossover between the two whatsoever.

This last post is quite telling and I'm going to be quite bold and make some fairly strong observations.

First, you are a classic, text book, voyeur. In fact you are the purest form of voyeur in that you cannot be observed or even known to be a voyeur. Being a voyeur is quite a common thing, many if not most enjoy watching but only for a few does it become this powerful and all controlling.
Second, it is indeed most likely this that does not allow you to fully relax and enjoy sex to orgasm in any other context. You have a deep seated feeling that during sex you yourself are being observed and so this prevents you fully letting go and being seen to be "depraved". By faking orgasms for partners you remain in control and avoid entering the animalistic throes of a full orgasmic experience.

Its curious that you mentioned this feeling of "repulsion" but enjoying it, we had another recent thread posted by @Silvana 1975 and while her situation was totally different her reactions were very much along these lines.
The fact you both feel shame shows how conflicted not only you but many others are mentally, after all in nice society ladies don't behave like wanton sluts do they? What did you say, its not how "I conduct myself in the world".

This of course isn't the reality and appearances are deceptive, that nice lady who serves you in the bread shop could be a dominatrix at night dressed in leather with a whip. The only one observing you every minute of every day, is you. And this is the problem you have, no one is actually judging you except yourself.

So finally I have a little test and you may not even be able to do it or even need to do it in which case it will confirm a lot of what I've said.
The test is simply this, next time you have some of that secret alone time masturbating to porn watch yourself in a mirror while you do it. And I don't just mean a glimpse, look yourself in the eyes, watch what you are doing, do you think you could or does even that thought creep you out?

 

[ClitLikR2]

Hey all, very much new here and feel I'm probably not posting in quite the right place or even the right forum, as I'm not part of the kink community, but felt like this would be a safe space to ask this question amongst open minded people who are more experienced in the world of these conversations than myself. I'm sure this post will seem very vanilla in comparison to most, but I'm hoping people can maybe help me clarify my own feelings in some way?

I don't watch porn that often, maybe once every couple of weeks, but when I do I always gravitate towards porn that I don't understand why I like. Every now and then I'll go to romantic or audio porn and somewhat imagine myself in the situation, but as someone who has never orgasmed with a partner, only by myself with a vibrator, i think i often feel disconnected from my body in that way during sex. I am also almost always single, when I'm dating someone I find I masturbate about them, me with them, but when I'm single I go back to this stuff. Most of the time I find myself watching porn that kind of grosses me out. Mostly people fucking on stage, often people I don't even find attractive, or solo male maturbation videos, even male strippers with big dicks. I have no fucking clue why. If I were to encounter any of those situations in real life I wouldn't like it or be turned on. I don't like the idea of real life voyeurism. I also sometimes watch videos of women masturbating and squirting on stage, and I feel so gross and dirty when I do. I don't understand why I'm drawn to that. It's like I like watching sexual behaviour that's "wrong" and inappropriate by societal standards. It's not a fantasy of mine to be a part of anything like that. Please forgive my negative language here by the way, I don't judge anyone else's sexual preferences whatsoever, I feel these things about myself only.

Sometimes I hear people talking about their porn preferences and they usually are into situations in which they'd like to be involved, and sound pretty cool or un-embarrassing to admit. I can literally never tell people what kind of porn I masturbate to because I think they'd think I was a total freak. I appreciate there is way kinkier and more niche stuff out there, like I say this probably sounds really vanilla, but I think what bothers me the most about it is why? Why do I masturbate to things that in real life I would find horrible, that wouldn't turn me on at all to be a part of? Any thoughts are very much welcome. I'd like to be able to accept this part of myself and own it, or understand it at least instead of feeling embarrassed by it.

Thanks for reading x

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[hungry69puppy]

@ clitlikr2.....OMG....you and I think along the same lines! lol