Real and/or genuine submissives?

[SubW88]

I think what makes it hard to define this is that people are not always talking about the same thing.

In my opinion and the way I view is there is a difference between being submissive and being a sub / submissive.

The way I look at it, someone can enjoy being submissive, without being a sub. I identify as a submissive, but when having sex I like being on top and taking the lead, where most women I dated enjoyed being submissive in the act. But that did not make the a sub / submissive nor me a dom / dominant.
This has nothing to do with obedience and the word submissive in these scenario’s could better be described as “passive” and the other party “active”.

Being a sub / submissive to me can best defined if we try to look at it from a non-sexual perspective. It’s about someone’s mindset, their desires and view of life, what place they feel most happiest in.

Now, where to that means (in my personal life) it’s my happy place and in the basis, nothing sexual. Of course it also overlaps to my sexual life.

But I also understand other people look at it from a more sexual or even only sexual things.
Even if it is just sexual I think what defines one as a submissive is what I described above. It’s not necessarily what’s going on in the act, it’s about how it makes one feel and the mindset they have going into things.

I think what described above also explains why a lot of people struggle to find a partner that is perfect for you. Some dominant are looking for a sub and meet someone enjoys being submissive but not a sub. And vice versa a sub is looking for dom(me) who say they are looking for a sub but are just looking for someone who enjoys being submissive when performing for them every now and then.

I don’t know if this makes any sense or is hard to read. English is not my native language but I did the best I could to describe what I mean.
Maybe it’s a little vague or too deep if one can not fully understand what I am trying to say.

 

[Subbme28]

No. I think they can both be genuine. It depends on what each person wants from the lifestyle.

Does each person want bedroom only or something more like 24/7?

Personally I'm so controlling in my day to day life that with my husband I need him to take that control from me. Be it alone or not I'm ready and willing to serve him to pleasure him and somehow it relaxes my mind too. I think all submissive are different we all submit in the way it best fits us and the relationship we are in.

 

[HMSOwner]

My sub is definitely not a slave. We work together in a highly stressful job. She gets relief from not being in charge, by “being forced to do things.” I love playing with her and enjoy having someone satisfy my sexual needs. It works for us.

 

[SecretGuy]

I'm relatively new to this BDSM thing, and I'm not sure about the true definition, but sexually I am what I consider to be submissive. During sex I prefer the guy to take the lead and I just follow along. I enjoy bondage and being bound, but not the other way around. However, my general personality outside of sex is exactly the opposite. I am very outgoing and have what I consider to be leadership qualities. Yes I know, weird.

I think this is normal, day to day I have responsibilities. In my sexual preference I like to take orders and be told what to do. We all need that escape

 

[Goin4it]

I identify as a switch now but 5 years ago as a newbie, I identified only as a submissive. My perspective then was submission was real only when it involved a power exchange and selfless service for someone else's pleasure, and anything that was done for a quick gratification like random play wouldn't qualify.

In hindsight I find the word selfless being paradoxical as subs also derive pleasure from this surrender of power. My preliminary thoughts and ideas were influenced to a large extent by whatever 'theory' I had read on the internet. But over the years and with experience in both subbing and domming, I now think that the scope is much wider and would call a real submissive anyone who serves as a bottom in a meaningful symbiotic relationship, whether casual or lifestyle.

So while each submissive is unique and there are no real or fake subs, there can be genuine/true and fake/superficial submissions the way I define it, as the parameter I place importance on is meaningful and symbiotic.

Since you want to hear from a subs perspective, I think it maybe relevant to mention that one thing that changed in the way I thought about this when I switched to domming was I realised the work and serving element domming also demands. So while it's common to read how submission is a gift Dom's should cherish and the subs efforts in pleasing the Doms, I think Dom's efforts go atleast partly underappreciated or underrecognised and so an ungiving sub may not do justice to a 'real' (committed) Dom.

Nevertheless, unique individual experiences and preferences shape these concepts differently for everyone as whatever is real to you is 'real' for you. I would like to hear what others think about this. Great topic @Fiery Bird

Very insightful observation that only a true sub and now Dom could make very informative and instructive thank you you're awesome would love to meet and have a pow wow

 

[Goin4it]

I think this is normal, day to day I have responsibilities. In my sexual preference I like to take orders and be told what to do. We all need that escape

You 100% correct you're either a sub or you're a dumb there's really no mixing them but on the rare occasion there is someone that is both.. I've yet to find my sub to the fullest of the ability I know she can be.. one day she'll enter my life and it will blossom and take hold from there.....