Rediscovering sex after exiting a long term relationship


Kinky Newbie
  • Straight
  • Male
  • Private
Jan 13, 2023
I don't even know where to begin except to just quickly throw out that I'm single for the first time in 14+ years and feeling like an adolescent all over again when it comes to me feeling like a sexual being. Or even a sexual object. I'm 46 and still co-parent a lovely 2.5 year old son with my former partner but had been feeling disconnected from her intimately for some time. Perhaps it was just all the adult struggles that piled up over time. Professional struggles. Fertility struggles. Weight struggles. I kept pushing forward trying to stay positive and stay in shape and stay driven with all my dreams and schemes. Hoping over time things would improve. But I kept wondering if something might be easier out there. We all wonder what else might be out there, I guess.

I had had propositions before but was able to resist because there was a lot of value to the woman I had spent so much time with.

After COVID19 had all of us meditating on the brevity of things I had an old flame reach out to me through Instagram. We had been deeply involved before but her self harm problem led to me needing to end the relationship. She would reach out periodically, but I was always able to ignore her.

This last time she was claiming to be 12-stepping and wanted to make amends. I decided to meet for coffee.

It was like no time had passed.

She wanted to stay connected and I will admit that I loved the attention.

It all quickly escalated. She was in a sexless marriage having lacked intimacy for years and suddenly was throwing me a metric ton of sexual energy. She wanted and needed me. Texting me naked photos and suggestive scenarios. Declarations of love and tenderness. And very, very dirty prose! I realized there was something missing in my long term relationship if I was giving myself so easily to all this. I made the executive decision to get a studio apartment nearby and give the long term relationship space and time to heal.

Of course, once I was open and available, the old flame pulled away and revealed she had found herself exploring polyamorous BDSM and wasn't sure I'd be comfortable sharing her with her newfound cadre, much less seeing the marks on her body from some recent escapades.

I admitted it might not be a path I was to explore with her. And with her self-harm history, I wondered how healthy all this was. Instead of marking herself she gets someone else to do it. But maybe it's a healthier way to manage it all. I don't know the psychology of it all well enough. I did some exploring into the world years ago, but it was by no means exhaustive.

I also have to admit I'm jealous of her in large part because I envy how easily she seemed to fall into this whirlwind of sexual exploit after such a long dry spell in her marriage and I don't even know if I can get a date tonight, much less a hookup. Because I don't even know where to go these days to connect with any sort of scene that would cater to that sort of sexual exploration. I like to think of myself as so liberated. And yet I feel so lost and uninformed.

I was vastly kinkier in my youth and more than willing to explore. I don't know what happened to me.

I want to feel vital and sexually healthy again.

I suddenly feel 16 again. 30 years later.

Wanting to feel sexually validated again.

Jesus. What a year.

If anyone can offer some direction? Additional forums? Places to explore?

I'm a little lost in the weeds here.


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