Submissive isn't a word to use lightly

submissivegal87

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Jul 22, 2020
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I never “decided" to be submissive. I “am" submissive. It's not a choice for me. It's part of my identity and has been since I was a lot younger.
Its easy for anyone to say "I'm a submissive" but then they run a mile when things get heavy. People in the "vanilla" world don't understand it from in our perspectives they've seen the ridiculous movies like fifty shades and think I can do that its easy.

I imagine that anyone outside of the BDSM lifestyle, especially those who don’t practice Dominance and submission look at those of us on the inside as strange creatures from another planet
Actually, I’d say they look at submissives that way. Dominants make more sense, don’t they? Dominants are in control and have all the power. They get what they want, when they want it.
What does a submissive get out of any of it, other than kinky sex*?

People on the outside looking in on any dynamic, relationship, lifestyle, or situation only see what’s on the surface. In this case, a strong Dominant standing over a kneeling, naked submissive. He’s in charge. He’s powerful, and she’s weak.
I guess that’s what it would look like from the outside. But, as with most things, that view doesn’t consider the thoughts, emotions, feelings, conversations, negotiations, and inner voices that guide all of us.

A submissive is given a command by their Dominant. What does it mean? What is it for? Is a Dom just a power-hungry bully and is a submissive weak-willed and simpering with no thoughts of their own? Every command should have a purpose – from kinky fun to something deeper. A submissive’s willingness to comply can come from multiple places.
“Spread your legs. Don’t move.”
That moment could be a spanking or a bit of kinky fun. The submissive wants the release of endorphins and the pain. The Dominant wants to exert ultimate control and make physical, mental, and emotional contact with their partner. At the same time, maintaining a position keeps them both safe from accidental harm. One wrong angle, and real damage can be done when partners play rough. It’s a power play, a means to a kinky end, and a safety measure.

Look at it from a different perspective, though. That moment could be a test of wills. A Dominant places their submissive into a position and expects them to maintain it until they release them. Let’s be real, if they weren’t willing, they could walk away at any moment. The reasons a submissive maintains that position vary: they’re turned on by pleasing their Dominant; they’re stubborn and refuse to falter before their Dom gives the word; they know that compliance will yield a greater prize later. Who knows what a particular sub’s reasons might be, but none of them are based on weakness. Their own integrity keeps them in place, regardless of any other reason.

Submission isn’t a two-dimensional act done by an unthinking robot or a weak-willed person who requires guidance to get through their day and life. No, submission requires thought, consent, and integrity, as well as the understanding that there’s a reason for everything that happens.

D/s is both simple and complex. Simply put, it’s a power exchange between two willing partners. The Dominant makes the rules, sets the course, and takes on the responsibility of the care of another human being. Submissives follow the rules, serve their Dominant, and should provide constant feedback in the form of continued consent, safe words, and sharing their thoughts and feelings about the experiences they’re having. Each has their part to play, and both have their own kind of power. There is no D/s without both partners willingly engaging – they’re equal but different.
 

droptokon

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May 19, 2013
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This is a great post @submissivegal87, well done!

You've raised some great points and given some really useful insights that will no doubt resonate with other subs who perhaps haven't got to the same place of understanding you've reached.

I have always maintained that the core to any good D/s relationship is the mental aspect and for two way respect to be built enabling trust and understanding. Respect is a very misunderstood concept, it is not something that can be demanded, it is earned through action and deeds.

It would seem you've also described really well that in D/s there really isn't a power exchange at all. The surrender of control by a submissive to her Dominant does not diminish her power it enhances it, internalizing it as the strength to complete tasks others would simply give up on. And it's seeing that inner strength in action that, for me at least, engenders deep respect for my subs.
 

submissivegal87

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Jul 22, 2020
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@droptokon I'm currently doing a course on relationships and domestic violence and one of the girls brought up as she called it "Fifty shades stuff" (Hmm the less said about that part the better) and was saying that the whole aspect of it would be violence.
Obviously me being a submissive got on the defensive saying wait hold on a minute do you actually know any thing about the dynamics or do you just see it as the the control and pain factor. Obviously I wasn't going to say I am a submissive lets talk this through. But it did make me think long and hard and come up with that. I just hope it helps others.
 
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Merlin

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@droptokon I'm currently doing a course on relationships and domestic violence and one of the girls brought up as she called it "Fifty shades stuff" (Hmm the less said about that part the better) and was saying that the whole aspect of it would be violence.
Obviously me being a submissive got on the defensive saying wait hold on a minute do you actually know any thing about the dynamics or do you just see it as the the control and pain factor. Obviously I wasn't going to say I am a submissive lets talk this through. But it did make me think long and hard and come up with that. I just hope it helps others.
It is just a concept hard to understand for someone not into it, It is a hard concept if you just look at it from the outside
That said 50 shads portraits more an abusive relationship than a healthy D/s dynamic, as the Author seams to be one of the people that don't understand someone submitting without physiological manipulation.
 

submissivegal87

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Jul 22, 2020
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It is just a concept hard to understand for someone not into it, It is a hard concept if you just look at it from the outside
That said 50 shads portraits more an abusive relationship than a healthy D/s dynamic, as the Author seams to be one of the people that don't understand someone submitting without physiological manipulation.
I couldn't agree more
 

J91

Senior Kink Talk Member
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Nov 22, 2015
189
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UK
Great post @submissivegal87, I think where I have struggled in relationships previously is because my partners and/or play partners haven't fully understood that being submissive is not just limited to sexual play, but actual is a very prominent characteristic of my personality which manifests and represents itself in everyday situations but also affects how I tend to communicate.

I have also found myself pushing at the boundaries to test if my play partner really understands just how submissive I am naturally. A huge character flaw of mine is that I find it very difficult to initiate these types of conversations and rely on the Dominant to. Communication is such an important aspect, D/s relationships come in all shapes and sizes after all.

I have recently seen a lot of talk about 'love language' in relationships, meaning, exactly how does one person want to be treated and shown love and affection in a relationship. I do think this is important as a submissive, well for both partners really. How exactly does a submissive wish to show his/her devotion and contribute to the relationship? And vice-versa. I do wish more people were comfortable having these types of conversations.
 

submissivegal87

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Jul 22, 2020
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@J91 Me and my owner talk about things going on in my life and he has supported me through more stuff than he probably realizes. I find that it is important to be able to talk to your Dominant as he is just a normal guy not just someone that is in control in your dynamic.

Yes I even flirt with him but in my defense he is rather hot and I am a red blooded female after all! (He will probably have something to say about that now) but it is important that you have got some kind of connection because the things people in our lifestyle get up to with each other can be dangerous and you both need to know each other enough and trust each other other to be able to keep it safe.

Unless you are a robot I find it hard to believe that there can be a D/s relationship without any kind of feelings towards the other part whether you are the Dominant or the submissive.

I have said in the past these are my opinions and everyone has the right to them. If people disagree with what I have said at any point please comment or send me a message and I will gladly have a discussion with you about it.
 
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J91

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Nov 22, 2015
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UK
@submissivegal87 you are so very fortunate to be with someone who does support you this way and it most definitely is refreshing to hear. After all, a D/s dynamic is still a relationship that needs to withstand the ups and downs of daily life and normality beyond kink.

I completely agree about the development of feelings. In such an intense and intimate dynamic, it is very hard not to develop feelings, and in my experience this type of closeness makes for the most fulfilling and successful relationships.

I think expressing feelings and opinions on this matter is healthy and the chance for a good honest debate is fantastic. For me personally, it helps me process how I feel about it all as I dont have any IRL people I feel comfortable talking to this about...!
 

submissivegal87

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Jul 22, 2020
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@J91 if you ever want to discuss anything you can always message me on here.. If I cant help I can always get another subs input as well because my sister is also one lol. Yes we have a strange family lol. Her relationship with her Dom developed over time into one with "love feelings" which at first I didn't understand but they are now expecting there first child together and couldn't be happier.
 
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