Too old to be a sub?

WeekendSub

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Aug 3, 2020
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Dear all.
Hi, I am new to kink forums.
I found that roleplaying being submissive in a couple of relationships was easy in my 20s. However, after 14 years of a vanilla marriage and having met somebody 9 years younger than me now who is naturally dominant and also enthusiastic about bdsm, I feel that being a sub at 44 would be a bit fraudulent as getting into the role play of being submissive and all naive would make me look ridiculous so I am a bit tentative about letting myself get into the role.

Any suggestions or thoughts much appreciated.
 
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droptokon

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May 19, 2013
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Hello and welcome!

You pose a very interesting question here and I don't think there is any simple answer, however I do have some observations based on what you've told us.
First you mention that you role play being submissive which I take to mean that you do not feel any natural submissiveness even in the bedroom. This definitely creates a different dynamic and I can understand why you may feel unable to get into the right frame of mind with someone significantly younger. BDSM is first and always a mental thing, having the right chemistry is vital and it sounds like although this new partner is keen he is perhaps not as experienced as you?
The second point I am curious about is if your BDSM extends to bondage, impact games and anything painful that you enjoy? If you have some inherent masochism then it may be enough to simply enjoy that aspect without getting into a submissive role. I know several couples that simply enjoy the bondage part, also there are spankers who simply love the over the knee thing and that's their main kink.
Getting back to BDSM being a mental thing, this is core to how you seem to feeling. It's almost like you've decided you can't submit to this new guy despite his keenness and in that respect the mental battle may be lost. Which is where I was going with the second point, perhaps you need to reevaluate what it is you really enjoy about BDSM and focus on making those aspects work. Communication and honesty is going to be key to working this one out and it may well be that he will be happy with that too.
 

WeekendSub

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Hi and thanks so much for the thoughtful and detailed reply. I am naturally submissive and the language of using 'role play' was misleading. I really enjoy bondage, spanking, horse crop and generally being overwhelmed by a dominant. I guess I had the false supposition that subs had to be all girly or naive about it as a lot of literature seems to portray subs like this (impressionable virgins etc.). My partner is a natural at being dominant and really enjoyed our first proper play but we both are quite new so am doing lots of reading.
 

nina

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Apr 13, 2016
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Since you mention about this false supposition that subs have to be naive, do you feel it's just a mental block because the guy is 9 years younger, personally I feel age doesn't matter but the prevalent misconception makes you think it is silly to look for guidance from a younger less experienced person? If so, I feel trust will build with time and if there is a real connection then the mental block will auto resolve.
 

WeekendSub

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Aug 3, 2020
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Since you mention about this false supposition that subs have to be naive, do you feel it's just a mental block because the guy is 9 years younger, personally I feel age doesn't matter but the prevalent misconception makes you think it is silly to look for guidance from a younger less experienced person? If so, I feel trust will build with time and if there is a real connection then the mental block will auto resolve.
Thanks for your insight Nina. I do worry that taking a submissive role may be seen as a bit ridiculous to him (and myself) because of my age, my job role and the fact that I am a parent and worry that he is humouring me for now (despite evidence to the contrary). Saying that, he is the most mature, sorted and dominant male that I have encountered and that is what I find so attractive about him.
 

nina

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I respect your views. Would just like to add that our roles in different facets of our lives need not correspond or be in congruence. It is possible to have different mindsets (dominant or subordinate) with different people in the same time frame.
 

WeekendSub

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Aug 3, 2020
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I respect your views. Would just like to add that our roles in different facets of our lives need not correspond or be in congruence. It is possible to have different mindsets (dominant or subordinate) with different people in the same time frame.
That's so true Nina.
I really appreciate what you and others have said and the time you took to advise. Have taken it all in board.
 
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MissKubo

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Apr 15, 2011
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You've had some great advice from some of the most wonderful people on here, but for what it may be worth, I'd just like to share with you a couple of similarities I've noticed in reading your posts. You're only a few years older than I am, and I will certainly still want to be enjoying myself in that time frame and well beyond. I too am a mother and have a job in which I have to be fairly assertive and take responsibility for a number of team members.

My husband is two years younger than me. Which, I grant you, isn't quite the same age gap, but once one gets beyond their 20's, 9 years is not the big deal it may have been earlier in life.

And I too absolutely love being his submissive. I'm far too experienced to play the "innocent, just discovering her submissive side" heroine you read about in the novels, but actually I think it's just as erotic for sub and Dom to both be experienced and confident in what they're doing anyway, in fact more so because you know where you can and can't go, so the experience is less likely to come to an awkward, uncomfortable stop.

If that young and naïve roleplay turns you both on, well, have fun with it. We still occasionally slip into it from time to time.

The main thing is being able to trust each other. So as long as you enjoy what you are doing, and your Dom is properly caring and respectful, you make the most of it.

There is nothing fraudulent or ridiculous in being true to yourself, whatever your age and life circumstances xxx
 
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WeekendSub

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Thank you so much for this. I don't have much experience of real-life bdsm relationships to work from and you paint a more realistic picture. X
 

ViggenDom

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I don't feel that you are too old to be a sub, it may have taken some time to realise and learn what you desire but no need to feel a fraud for it
 

Rlee

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I feel like I could offer a perspective frrom the other side here :)
I'm in my early twenties, and (coincidentally) the sub that was the best match for me so far was actually 9 years older than me, and also a parent. In my case, when I'm looking for someone, as long as I'm attracted to them and we have that special "click", age is really not important...

Ther are also a couple of points I noticed from what you said. One, that you're naturally submissive. As a dom, I find that will and desire to submit to be one of the most important things... And it sounds from your description of how you like to do that, that you have that going already!

The other point is, I don't know if this is just how this came out and if I'm interpreting right, but it sounds a bit like you're not questioning your want to submit, as much as your partner's want for you to submit. If that's the case, you can keep in mind that dominant people who look for this are usually really not that mindful about age, specially someone who like you said is naturally dominant and enthusiastic. And if like you said, you have evidence he isn't humoring you and really wants this, I think it's safe for you to rest assured :)
 

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