New Master - Any willing advice?

[Kaito]

Hello.

So, I spent 2 hours writing a nice first post about my new D/s relationship with my girlfriend. I wrote out the vast majority of the rules we set, all the bounds...and then I forgot to log in, and it disappeared. So, instead, I'll just give a quick summary.

Neither of us have ever been a master/slave. Both of us like the idea of a sex slave/master relationship. We've talked about it, we've agreed to everything, and there is a list of things to follow. We have a wonderful love relationship, and communication is free. If something isn't liked, it is talked about. However, since I am still new to BDSM, I would appreciate advice from more experienced people. Do you guys/gals have any advice for a new master, be it how to treat a new slave, punishment ideas, guidelines, etc. Anything would be appreciated.

Thank you,
Kaito

 

[Dom6BDSM]

There are already alot of this written on different places on the Internet and in books.

So read it.

 

[spiritualxtc]

Join my training group, free interchange of ideas and tips.

 

[JustAMan]

I would suggest keeping it to "play time" for now, IE assuming you are the slave in the duo then you dont grovel all day long and cook him diner every day and be told you cant go out etc... that is just an abusive relationship. Instead keep it to slightly specified times or days, EG you find a note when getting your makeup out of your drawer saying "Today you will do as I say, you wil return home and get naked blah blah blah blah," YOU then have a choice, as do all subs, whether to "obey" or not, if you decide you arent in the mood or dont feel up to it then send him a text just saying you dont want to and thats the end of it for today, alternatively wait blindfolded and naked at the frontdoor for him to get in from work/whatever and let the fun begin.

If you then want total 24/7 control you can work into that.

Some masters (and im not saying your BF is one of them) think that the slave is lucky to have such a master/mistress but in fact it is often the sub who has the power, with the exception of blackmail the sub sets the limits and decides what to do or not do. So even in a D/s relationship there is mutual respect. Without that respect it is purely an abusive relationship between a woman beater and a woman who thinks too little of herself.

Have respect and have fun

Do keep us updated on your escapades

 

[Kaito]

Thanks for the reply Shadowx, but I think you misunderstood: I am the master

I do plan to start off slow. It's just been fun time (get naked, suck me, etc), but I do talk to her about more of the "slave" aspect. She has been cooking dinner for me, of her own free will, to try to see "what It would be like to do things like this for you".

Soon, I will try to ease into more of a "household chores" type of routine for her. We've talked about that, and she admits it's not her favorite thing to do, but at the same time, she's not opposed to it. She even admitted that she could learn to like it. I plan to try a little of "Pavlov's dog" training with this: If the house gets cleaned, she will get a reward. I haven't told her about this though

I know it's really early, but she did bring up the idea of Total Power Exchange. She wasn't ready for it, and neither was I, but she did say it was an interesting concept. Assuming this relationship goes well over the next couple months, I think I'll try some of it

Don't worry, I'll try to keep you updated

~Kaito

 

[trickery]

This is only MY opinion.

You've done well to discuss and write out rules and boundaries. It sounds like you have a strong relationship and good communication. I think all of these things are important, because this will only work well if you it is something you BOTH want. If it ever gets to the point where one person is only doing it for the other person, you might as well just not do it.

The only thing I would say about how to treat a new slave is to establish a safe word. Once the safe word is established, I would try to mentally view her as your slave and not your girlfriend when you two are playing. It's far easier to explore your kinks with a slave than with an equal in your relationship. The safe word will ensure you don't push your girlfriends limits while getting the most out of your slave.

I think you're punishment ideas should come from whatever turns you on and whatever you enjoy. This goes back to what I said earlier about safe words and treating her like your slave. Some of the ideas that turn me on is having a slave go pick out a sex toy at a store and then watching them perform with it. I wouldn't tell the slave ahead of time about the performance. Same idea with picking out BDSM wear. Also, if I were you, I would discreetly find her sizes/measurements then by her an outfit you enjoy. I would always make her wear this the first few times you play. It can break the ice before you "start" to play.

I think the main guideline is the previously mentioned safe word. You don't want to clear everything with your slave before you try it, because then there will be no element of suspense. The safe word allows the play to end if she is truly uncomfortable rather than never happening because she doesn't like the idea initially.

 

[sum1]

I think you've got it right in many ways, at the heart of bdsm has to be trust, and trust is earned through good communication.

In terms of the day to day control and domination I think you've got it right the way you are going. Taking it slow, lots of communication so each of you know where the other stands and how the other feels about things. I know personally I find it difficult to sit back and let sugar (who is my fiancée and submissive) do the cores and do the dinner, it makes me feel lazy just sitting there. Sometimes I'll let her but often I just don't wish to.
So it has to be something you are comfortable with, as well as her. The control and the roles you take also have ones you wish to take on and move the relationship in at that particular time.

As time moves on you will probably find that some of the things you hated or she hated at first will become things you both really enjoy.

In terms of play and the bedroom, pretty much the same rules apply. Communicate, before, during and after. This doesn't mean during stopping every couple of minutes to ask if she's ok, I've learned the hard way that's the quickest way to turn a sub off. You've got to read her eyes, face, body language and every subtle expression she makes. From these you will be will know instantly if you've gone to far. At that point stop check she's ok, and make sure she gives you an honest answer not just one to please you.
This sounds hard and scary, but it really isn't, if you know her well.

If you're still quite new to each other then I would say a pre-aranged safe word is probably good. This should be something clear and something she's going to be happy saying e.g. STOP. Said with a firmness that you know she's not mucking about. Of course there is also the simple thing of knowing that some of the things she'll say are playing eg ahh stop it you mean bastard and some are not eg stop that fucking killed you cunt.
Not hard to pick up on really that last bit.

Other things you can think of doing in terms of out of the bedroom control are simple domination things. When having a meal out tell her she's not having desert, or decide what she's having through the whole meal. Not all domination has to be sexual, you can surprise her by taking control over a variety of random things from time to time.

Punishments was another aspect you were asking about, punishments should be something that neither of you find fun or are turned on by.

For punishments we personally stay away from pain. Pain in sugar and my relationship is something that is purely for fun. It is play and an expression of love and something that she honours me with by allowing me to do to her. This is something we both enjoy, and she finds a massive release of emotion and stress and many things I can't describe because I'm describing them second hand.

Now, if the pain were to be turned around and used as punishment how much of a mixed signal does that give?
First off, I personally am a sadist and so would find it very hard not to be aroused by the pain. This is not a good thing when punishing.

I believe punishment should be done with a heavy heart, your sub has messed up in some way, she's probably feeling shit over it already, you need to decide on a punishment which will help her first off deal with her feelings over the issue secondly think of ways that she can improve (or be shown ways she can improve) and thirdly give her time if nessacary to apologize (to both you and herself)
To this end I've found psychological punishments very good, things like corner time (an adult version of supernanny's naughty step really) and the writing of lines to be very good.

There often seems to be a misunderstanding between the idea of playing and punishing in my opinion.
So

pun·ish·ment/ˈpəniSHmənt/Noun
1. The infliction or imposition of a penalty as retribution for an offense.

play/plā/
Noun: Activity engaged in for enjoyment and recreation, esp. by children.
Verb: Engage in activity for enjoyment and recreation rather than a serious or practical purpose.

Of course there can be play-punishments or funishments as I've heard them called. These are where both partners know it's not a serious matter and you're using it as a playful excuse to be mean, personally I do think why wait for an excuse but i can see the kick in it. Just as long as both of you understand the differences.

 

[Kaito]

Wow, you guys have had some great input! This has helped tons!

sum1, I really liked your input on punishments. It did make me think about it a lot, what I would do, how long, etc. So far, I haven't had to issue any punishments, as she is very willing to do things. She's had to safe word only once, and it was because she had an AWFUL day at work. She wasn't in the mood for any of it, and I understood it, so I let it go. (She got framed for something, and almost got fired for it. And on top of that, she got over loaded with paper work, tight dead lines, and a non-stop flow of stupid people).

The next day, I talked to her about why she safeworded. We did talk about that "Just because you've had a bad day doesn't mean you can stop this...", and she did acknowledge that she felt bad about doing it. Even before she did say it, I could tell something wasn't right, so I'm almost glad she did. It lets me know she's not afraid to.

One of the "house rules" I set was the inability to speak freely, unless certain conditions apply (there is a written list). She isn't allowed to say things like "I dont like this" with a serious undertone unless she safeworded. I did, however, set up a little way she could communicate with me, without repercussions. I put a shoe box in the corner of the room, and told her that, in her free time, if she chooses, she can write something to me freely, such as "We need to talk about..." or "I didn't like this" or "I was in love with that". She felt this was very helpful in getting started with being a slave, and I feel that it helps too. It gives her a way to actually communicate with me without feeling like I wont hear what she's saying.

When I have some free time, i'll try to post the list of "House rules" I set up, just so you all can see

Kaito

 

[Kaito]

Actual update!

So, it's been awesome having her be my slave. We started off real slow with training and all that, one thing here, another thing there..and eventually worked up to a "You're my slave whenever you're not at work, school, or mandatory family functions (Christmas, birthday, etc)"

One of her rules is no self-pleasure unless I give her permission. This was a rule from early on, when I wanted her to focus on me. A couple months ago, I walked in on her fingering herself. She didn't have much to say, and I didn't make her say much. A couple times I pushed her towards her emotional breaking point (It was more of a 'see how far I can go' type of experiment, both her and I knew it was just an experiment), and I didn't want to break her with this. So, I had her sleep with her hands cuffed to her ankles. The next day, I measured her up for a Neosteel chastity belt.

Before the belt arrived (took 2 months), we did some hard and extensive training. We started talking about Total Power Exchange seriously. I wouldn't cause her to change her life much (if at all), and she knows this.

One reason she trusts me with TPE is that I give her a lot of freedom. Every day there is a note telling her what needs to get done for the day. If, by 6 pm, the items aren't done, she gets punished. I don't care when it gets done, but it must be done by 6. Typical items on the list are cleaning the house, going out and buying some groceries, at least 1 back rub...just small stuff. Sometimes the note says "just be available", and she can do whatever, but must show up when I ask her to. Sometimes, she cooks me dinner, gives me a back rub, and just is sweet on her own accord...when I talked to her about it, she said it's because I make her happy, so she should make me happy.

We talked more and more about TPE, and we decided that the day the chastity belt arrives, that would be her decision day. When the belt arrived, I asked her, and she said she wanted to do the power exchange. We both agreed that it would start the moment the belt was locked on. I allowed her to have 1 hour of solid pleasure (orgasms any way she wanted) before the belt would be locked on. Once it was locked on, she said that she felt the last bit of her freedom "float away". Little did she know that her steel bra was coming the next day

I put the steel bra on her a couple days later (TPE allowed me to do that), and since then, she has been quite passionate towards me. It's truly wonderful. The steel bra is on for 1.5 days, then a half day off, then back on again. After she became accustomed to the belt, it stayed on for a week straight. I don't believe we've actually had vaginal sex in a month...but her oral technique has improved a bunch, and she's disliking anal less and less (When she's housebound for an entire day, I make her wear a bunny tail butt plug for the day, then have anal sex at night). She doesn't like things in her butt, but I like things in her butt, so things go in her butt.

Through chastity belt training, she's learned that she better swallow my cum fully, every last drop, no matter the taste (I've tried to make it super rancid a couple times ). If she misses a drop, ass fucking right there, and the time of the belt extends by a week. If she spits, I fill her ass with an inflatable butt plug, unlock the front shield of the belt, stuff a dildo in her pussy, relock the shield, ring gag her, and call my best friend over. He cums in her mouth, and she must hold it on her tongue for as long as I say, otherwise she gets a whip across her ass (I don't like whips, but I will if I have to). I've had to do this punishment (calling my friend over) exactly once. She learned quickly. After she swallows my friend's cum, I unlock her steel bra, clip her ankles to her wrists, and let him grope her as much as he wants. If he wants to shove his cock in her mouth, all the power to him. He can do whatever he wants with what he has.

All in all, pretty fun. Through all this stuff, we still love each other, and this is just a way to project that love on a different level.

~Kaito