New to this - advice?

[anderbane]

Hi!

So I've been reading about BDSM sex&relationships for a while and finally decided I wanted to take the plunge. I'm not in a relationship right now and starting online seemed to be safest.

Seeing as I've never been in a BDSM relationship I was hoping you lovely folks could help me out with some stuff!

I've just assumed myself to be a sub, but how can I be sure? Is there a way to be sure?

How do you know your actual limits? Is it all trial and error?

Can you tie yourself up, properly? Does it still feel good?

Appreciate any answers and other advice given!

 

[ECPJK]

This might help.

To know if you are a sub or not try thinking of something kinky you would like to try that needs two people.
Like one of you being tied up and the other one is teasing them for hours.
Which would you prefer to be?
tied up and helpless, just letting them do as they please to you
Or standing above your helpless victem. Thinking of all the things you can do to them and all the ways you can use them.

It's basicly the same for limits. But some of it is trial or error.

I don't know much about self restraint but I know it doesnt feel as good as being tied by someone else since you need to be able to get yourself free.
It takes away the trill.

Happy to chat if you have any questions.
KIK ECPJK

 

[df6wen]

So, first thing first, I don't consider online safer than in person. That said, I'm an active member of my local kink community. I would highly recommend that you look into that.

As for being a sub, I would recommend trying both roles. A mistress friend of mine started as a sub. She never was a sub but assumed that was what she was supposed to be.

Your limits are basically an "Oh hell no" list. When you negotiate with someone, anything you didn't agree to is a limit as well.

 

[qwertyuiop]

Hi!

So I've been reading about BDSM sex&relationships for a while and finally decided I wanted to take the plunge. I'm not in a relationship right now and starting online seemed to be safest.

Seeing as I've never been in a BDSM relationship I was hoping you lovely folks could help me out with some stuff!

I've just assumed myself to be a sub, but how can I be sure? Is there a way to be sure?

How do you know your actual limits? Is it all trial and error?

Can you tie yourself up, properly? Does it still feel good?

Appreciate any answers and other advice given!

To start with welcome and high. I think saying online is safer is not necessarily right. However, online offers you the ability to be more anonymous and gives you more time to think about tasks before doing them. The downside to online is more people trying to take advantage. A large number of people online are trying to look for something specific and will try to convince you to do stuff you don't want to do with a large number of sly tricks. It is important to remember in all of this you are always in control of yourself when online, whereas in person someone else may be in control.

It is always hard to know if you are a sub or not. The best way to find out is to experiment, take some tasks from people try them and see how you feel. Do you enjoy giving up control, being denied, pain ect? Or do you not enjoy it? Only you can truly answer that question and if anyone tells you otherwise they are lying.

Limits is a mix of trial and error and common sense. Most people will have some hard limits, incest, family and stuff like that. Those you can probably think of without even knowing what being a sub is. Then a lot of people have softer limits, pics, webcam, Large pain anal, scat. These are things which they do not want to do but if the right person came along and they tried the slowly and built up to them they may enjoy.
It is always better to start off with what you enjoy then slowly try new things on top of it. If you enjoy it great, if you really hate it add it to your limits. So trial and error is sort of the only way but most people are more on a scale than out right yes to this outright no to this.

It is possible to tie oneself up, there are many techniques which mean that knots form upon the pulling of a string that cannot be undone in the same way. It would feel the same as someone else doing it, although one has to be more careful and make sure they can always get out. Dont do anything stupid and think all possibilities through first. Remember you are in control and your safety is important

 

[SubMissChievous]

I'm not in a relationship right now and starting online seemed to be safest.

Hmm... not necessarily. It's more like the risks and precautions to take may be a little different.

One thing that's good for newbies to know is that there are just as many bad apples online as there are in RT. Online, for ex., there are quite a few scammers and predators looking for young and naive newbies to "teach", "mentor" or "train". Usually their "training/ consists of having people do sexual stuff on cam or send pics. Many of them will say things like "You're not a real/true sub/slave, blah blah blah..." to get what they want. So here's your head's up from someon who has heard it all bot as a mod and first hand here

Truth is: finding the right person isn't a whole lot different than vanilla dating: You talk and/or meet with people, look for compatibility, get to know each other as people and not just as dom/sub or what gets you off, etc. etc.

I've just assumed myself to be a sub, but how can I be sure? Is there a way to be sure?

How people find out or are sure is different for everyone. But one thing to consider is that dom and sub are far from being the only two options. And you don't have to label yourself as anything right away either.

D/s is simply a relationship dynamic. Would you like for your partner to be the one in charge, in control, have authority over areas you have negotiated and agreed on with them? That's what D/s is about.

However, you can very well be into kinky stuff without D/s. You don't have to be in a power exchange dynamic to enjoy kinky activities with another partner. Some people engage in topping and bottoming without any power exchange outside of a scene. Some people are sadists, masochists, etc. without incorporating any D/s in their relationships.

How do you know your actual limits? Is it all trial and error?

Some of my limits I've know forever and have not changed since day one. I don't think I need to try amputation or illegal stuff to know it wouldn't be my cup of tea for ex. As @df6wen said there are things that pretty much anyone will just think "Hell no" without hesitation whether it's for safety, healthy, ethical or personal reasons.

Can you tie yourself up, properly? Does it still feel good?

Depends what type of bondage you try and how good you are at it (although that part is likely to come with practice.) Tying a simple chest harness on oneself is relatively easy without any outside assistance. Trying more intricate stuff may be more difficult and/not perfectly safe. But for the more simple stuff there are lots of good tutorials all over the web, including youtube so you may want to check it out if that's something that interests you.

 

[areolalover]

First of all you could start by answering your messages in your inbox.

 

[SubMissChievous]

First of all you could start by answering your messages in your inbox.

What does this even has to do with OP's question? Entitled much?

 

[Doctor Pervert]

What does this even has to do with OP's question? Entitled much?

Amen SubMissChievous!!
Seriously dude, this was looking like being a nice, intelligent thread with some well considered responses to a newcomer. Then you try and rouse her out for not responding to her pm's?
Poor girl probably has 70 bagillion messages from desperado's like you and hasn't the time or inclination to answer.
How about contributing IN THE THREAD with something worth reading, perhaps then subs might return your messages...

Rant over.

 

[Magical Trapdoor]

If she's still around, I'm sure she's managed to encounter many of the more questionable members of online society by now xD

As for figuring out if you're a Dom it a sub, trying both really is the best way.
And if you really like both, congratulations, you could be a switch!

I started out as a Dom, which was a huge mistake, but preconceived notions about my personality made me think I must be. (Bossy, mean, a little selfish, and even sadistic)
But I'm quite happy as a sub now, I don't know why, but my personality does a complete 180 when I get put in that position.

As far as self bondage goes, you can manage pretty much everything except a full arm bind with enough practice (The key is practice, and patience).

Also you might want to look into decorative bondage, most of that can be done solo as it's not very restricting, and it looks really pretty ^^

DO NOT however attempt suspension solo.
You want to do that you should find yourself an experienced rigger ^^

Limits are a little trial and error, you won't enjoy everything you think you will.
However anything you think you won't enjoy, or sounds dangerous should go straight on that list.
You might try and expand your interests later, but it's really best to start slow and ease yourself into it.

Best of luck, and remember slow is the key.

 

[areolalover]

Amen SubMissChievous!!
Seriously dude, this was looking like being a nice, intelligent thread with some well considered responses to a newcomer. Then you try and rouse her out for not responding to her pm's?
Poor girl probably has 70 bagillion messages from desperado's like you and hasn't the time or inclination to answer.
How about contributing IN THE THREAD with something worth reading, perhaps then subs might return your messages...

Rant over.

I get plenty of responses on kik. In fact to many and a lot of fakes. I am not entitled either. Plus i dont mean offense but with the strictest definition of "submissive" since when do real submissives show aggression and anger? According to the words dictionary definition submissives dont act that way. Just something to think about. You guys read anger into the response when there was none. Its always a good idea to answer non threatening provate messages. In fact it can be easier to manage than to manage a forum thread. People can get lost and accidentally loose conversations with one or more people in threads.

 

[Geppi]

I get plenty of responses on kik. In fact to many and a lot of fakes. I am not entitled either. Plus i dont mean offense but with the strictest definition of "submissive" since when do real submissives show aggression and anger? According to the words dictionary definition submissives dont act that way. Just something to think about. You guys read anger into the response when there was none. Its always a good idea to answer non threatening provate messages. In fact it can be easier to manage than to manage a forum thread. People can get lost and accidentally loose conversations with one or more people in threads.

Maybe there wasn't any anger in your message. But the point was that what you said didn't contribute to the thread. Everyone has a choice if they respond to an in box message and should not feel forced into doing this.

In terms of someone being submissive, this does not make them weak. Often a sub is only a sub to one person and for the rest they can easily handle themselves. A sub does not have to act submissive towards everyone who is a dom. It just doesn't work that way.

I'm not meaning to criticise you, but think we should support and help each other on here and respect other people's choices.

 

[areolalover]

Maybe there wasn't any anger in your message. But the point was that what you said didn't contribute to the thread. Everyone has a choice if they respond to an in box message and should not feel forced into doing this.

In terms of someone being submissive, this does not make them weak. Often a sub is only a sub to one person and for the rest they can easily handle themselves. A sub does not have to act submissive towards everyone who is a dom. It just doesn't work that way.

I'm not meaning to criticise you, but think we should support and help each other on here and respect other people's choices.

I disagree with you on that a sub shouldnt be submissive to all doms. What is this a neo-bdsm website? The defintion of submissive is, inclined or ready to submit or yield to the authority of another; unresistingly or humbly obedient: submissive servants. 2. marked by or indicating submission or an instance of yielding to those with authority of another." doms are authority and so are masters. None the less sometimes instruction on newbies into the life style is easier one on one. Because many people have different "opinions" (many of those opinions are wrong and inaccurate. Id say about 95%) which can pull someone new in many directions.

 

[SubMissChievous]

Plus i dont mean offense but with the strictest definition of "submissive" since when do real submissives show aggression and anger? According to the words dictionary definition submissives dont act that way.

There is no such thing as a "strictest definition of submissive" in BDSM.

However, since this comment was clearly directed at me, may I remind you that I am not YOUR submissive and that you do not get to tell me how to act towards you.

That being said... I am also a moderator here and I CAN tell you not to derail this thread any further. This thread is not about you. So if you don't have anything to contribute on the original post then just don't post at all. Any other off-topic posts will be deleted.

Oh and btw I'm not angry I'm actually glad about your post. See, above I told OP that she may encounter idiots who will try to pull a "you're not a real sub if..." line. You provided me with a perfect example right here.

 

[Geppi]

I disagree with you on that a sub shouldnt be submissive to all doms. What is this a neo-bdsm website? The defintion of submissive is, inclined or ready to submit or yield to the authority of another; unresistingly or humbly obedient: submissive servants. 2. marked by or indicating submission or an instance of yielding to those with authority of another." doms are authority and so are masters. None the less sometimes instruction on newbies into the life style is easier one on one. Because many people have different "opinions" (many of those opinions are wrong and inaccurate. Id say about 95%) which can pull someone new in many directions.

Your own argument actually proves my point. You obviously can't see that. I will say no more on this matter as it distracts from the original reason for the thread.

 

[Dom6BDSM]

Hi!
I've just assumed myself to be a sub, but how can I be sure? Is there a way to be sure?

Think about food. Do you like it ? But maybe you love some food and just like some and some makes you feel like you wanna puke ?

The same is true for bdsm. You like some of it.

The question is more: do you like it ? Cause if you do like it, then you like it.
If you like being a sub, then you are a sub. But how hardcore - well that will time tell.

How do you know your actual limits? Is it all trial and error?

Yes, or more like. If you like the thought of it. Then you probably like it. But you don't really know until you tried it. If the though of it don't make you wanna experience it - then its not for you.

But limits change over time because usually it so dependent on who does it.
It like food - sometimes a steak is the best you eaten and sometimes it tastes bad.

Can you tie yourself up, properly? Does it still feel good?

Yes, google self bondage. It something many try out at first.

Appreciate any answers and other advice given!

Good luck!