The Reputation of our Community

[The Dandy]

Hello All,

I know many of you may not be interested in this, and I don't claim to be an incredibly active member of this site, but I do still care for this community and am worried by somethings.
I'm sure many of you have noticed that so many people on this site or not a part of the community at all have this idea that a sub is weak and unassertive, and that a Dom is all powerful and must be obeyed. Apart from the serious health risks this genuine mentality can bring about (when play is done), it also concerns me as it gives people a false impression of what the fetish is like, and how those that have it are like.
I know BDSM is simply a fetish, and I'm not trying to assert people have to agree with it, however, I am concerned that things like "50 Shades of Grey" are tasked with showing how it "really is".
It's very important the equal respect and in many cases love that drives a sub to do anything they can to please their dom, or leads a dom to want to protect and watch over a sub is put at the forefront of our community.
I just don't really know of many places where you can go to in order to try and promote the truth behind BDSM, so if anyone has any websites, groups, or anything else which tries to do that they could share, I'd be very greatful.

I guess my point is, I care about this community very much, and I get worried about all the people feeling entitled to a sub (I'm sure many of us have gotten THAT pm), or Subs claiming to have "no limits" and claiming they want to give everything up for their dom, when in fact they are very new. Both for the health of those people which may get injured or killed for such over ambition, and for the idea it gives those outside of the community. And I'd really appreciate if anyone could help me attempt in inform people about it.

Thank You.

 

[Caelestria]

I wholeheartedly agree with everything you just said. I think a woman made two twin blogs called "The Good Sub" accompanied by "The Good Dom". I may have messed up the titles but I believe that was it. They talk about important things like limits, talking to your partner ect.

 

[KG202]

I, too, agree. It's important to not act like an overly powerful dom nor a completely submissive sub.

 

[The Dandy]

I wholeheartedly agree with everything you just said. I think a woman made two twin blogs called "The Good Sub" accompanied by "The Good Dom". I may have messed up the titles but I believe that was it. They talk about important things like limits, talking to your partner ect.

I'm glad to hear that, and thank you for the suggestion. I don't think I agree with it being a case of a "Good Dom" or "Good Sub", as they by no means need to be nice or good people. It's more just advocating for the following and publishing of limits, along with expressing the underlying love and respect that exists between both groups. You can do that without being good, in nature or in skill, but it's far more important.
Do you have any idea of what I could try to do to help in that?

 

[Doctor Pervert]

You raise some interesting points, for me the use of the word "good" does give the wrong connotation in regards to bdsm however I think the context is more in line with what I regard as the most import ingredient and that is respect.
Respect comes into many facets of bdsm, respecting limits is the most obvious one but there is also the respect a sub should have for any Dom(me) they have and also respect the Dom(me) should have for the sub. Now this last one may sound odd to some as verbal abuse and humiliation play big parts in many D/s relationships and this seems to be totally contradictory.
The respect for subs I am talking about is something that will be recognisable to some as the integrity of action that comes from a dedicated and committed submissive. Often it is easy to promise this or that, it is something else again to deliver. Actions are indeed louder than words and for me I respect submissives that deliver on their promises.
In forums such as this there are all sorts of wild claims made about likes and limits, subs wanting "total control" from a Dom without ever really considering what that actually entails. More often than not this leads to disappointment, the sub disappears and the cycle of cynical distrust goes on.
Dom(me)'s also need to earn respect, not by demanding submission which is just laughable but by integrity of action. Taking the time listen to a sub and learn about them, discovering what they really want out of the relationship and what their real likes and limits are.

Once this trust is built then a solid D/s relationship can begin, only then can you "abuse your whore" or "pamper your baby" or whatever variation or combination you have come up with.

 

[The Dandy]

You raise some interesting points, for me the use of the word "good" does give the wrong connotation in regards to bdsm however I think the context is more in line with what I regard as the most import ingredient and that is respect.
Respect comes into many facets of bdsm, respecting limits is the most obvious one but there is also the respect a sub should have for any Dom(me) they have and also respect the Dom(me) should have for the sub. Now this last one may sound odd to some as verbal abuse and humiliation play big parts in many D/s relationships and this seems to be totally contradictory.
The respect for subs I am talking about is something that will be recognisable to some as the integrity of action that comes from a dedicated and committed submissive. Often it is easy to promise this or that, it is something else again to deliver. Actions are indeed louder than words and for me I respect submissives that deliver on their promises.
In forums such as this there are all sorts of wild claims made about likes and limits, subs wanting "total control" from a Dom without ever really considering what that actually entails. More often than not this leads to disappointment, the sub disappears and the cycle of cynical distrust goes on.
Dom(me)'s also need to earn respect, not by demanding submission which is just laughable but by integrity of action. Taking the time listen to a sub and learn about them, discovering what they really want out of the relationship and what their real likes and limits are.

Once this trust is built then a solid D/s relationship can begin, only then can you "abuse your whore" or "pamper your baby" or whatever variation or combination you have come up with.

Well your very title demonstrates why I had my objection. You may call yourself a "Bad Santa", yet, as you have said, you will be respectful. I just don't think it's a case of good or bad. It's a case of respectful.

I have no dispute to most of what you've said. However, the reason words need to be used over actions in this case is because, lest you go around and dom/sub every other member of the communit, you will need to get the idea across through non-physical means.

I thank you for your addition and you brought up a number of key ideas. But, evidently I had my disagreements I wanted to raise.

 

[marygaye69]

The Dr is very active on this board and I think anybody who spends any amount of time on here will be familiar with his approach and respectful attitude. It's pretty clear that 'Bad Santa' is a little joke and not to be taken too literally. He would never be rude or disrespectful or pushy or demanding with a submissive without having spent time establishing a level of trust on both sides. I'm talking from personal experience here so I know this to be true.

You are right in your observation though. There does indeed seem to be a very high number of members on this site that are either unable or unwilling to understand that D/s and kinky fuckery play are not one and the same. I do think there is plenty of information out there along with very experienced members of the community willing to share and mentor and help newbies and the inexperienced. You have to be willing and interested enough to go looking for it though. Sadly, it really is true that while a horse can be led to water it can't be made to drink.

Actually, i've changed my mind about this board. I used to think it was full of caveman grunts. Thankfully that really is not the case. It seems though that the serious members prefer to stay out of the fray and watch from the sidelines whilst communicating behind the scenes. However, I have had my experiences with individuals that present themselves as very serious and honorable but who turned out to be unethical and dishonest. But that's just life, we learn and move on.

Good topic by the way. It's refreshing to have a decent discussion post on here for a change.

 

[The Dandy]

The Dr is very active on this board and I think anybody who spends any amount of time on here will be familiar with his approach and respectful attitude. It's pretty clear that 'Bad Santa' is a little joke and not to be taken too literally. He would never be rude or disrespectful or pushy or demanding with a submissive without having spent time establishing a level of trust on both sides. I'm talking from personal experience here so I know this to be true.

You are right in your observation though. There does indeed seem to be a very high number of members on this site that are either unable or unwilling to understand that D/s and kinky fuckery play are not one and the same. I do think there is plenty of information out there along with very experienced members of the community willing to share and mentor and help newbies and the inexperienced. You have to be willing and interested enough to go looking for it though. Sadly, it really is true that while a horse can be led to water it can't be made to drink.

Actually, i've changed my mind about this board. I used to think it was full of caveman grunts. Thankfully that really is not the case. It seems though that the serious members prefer to stay out of the fray and watch from the sidelines whilst communicating behind the scenes. However, I have had my experiences with individuals that present themselves as very serious and honorable but who turned out to be unethical and dishonest. But that's just life, we learn and move on.

Good topic by the way. It's refreshing to have a decent discussion post on here for a change.

Sorry, I think I may have been somewhat confusing, my point was not that the Dr was an actual "bad santa", my point was that you can call someone "bad" in jest or otherwise, and they can still be respectful, wonderful members of our community. So making it a case of "good dom good sub" I just felt was an attempt to simplify something in a non-accurate way.

I quite agree with that. Sadly this forum is consumed by personal ads and their are very view real considerations on what our community is about, what does it believe, what does it uphold and so on. Really, I just intended this to be a means by which to find some organisation or place to inform people in the community about the need to respect limits and be caring to one another. However, if that place is to be here, then I am still happy. And if one person has been made aware of these points through this forum than it would have all been worth it.

We all have I'm sorry to say, but it's the folly of freedom, when you allow people to do things, they will do stupid things. But I think it is important that those of us who are...shall we say...more aware, members of the community should be more vocal on here, continuing to exist in the back and ignore the forums really only allows the problem to persist.

Well thank you, and I'm glad people like yourself have contributed to excellently to it. A discussion requires at least two people after all .

 

[Doctor Pervert]

A wonderful starting point for anyone new is http://www.bdsmwiki.info/BDSM_101 which has a well organised layout and heaps of info.

For a more serious discussion board you can try Fetlife however be warned that they do tend to be a bit overly serious for my taste and often discussions descend into a world of etiquette and protocol.

 

[The Dandy]

A wonderful starting point for anyone new is http://www.bdsmwiki.info/BDSM_101 which has a well organised layout and heaps of info.

For a more serious discussion board you can try Fetlife however be warned that they do tend to be a bit overly serious for my taste and often discussions descend into a world of etiquette and protocol.

Thanks for the reccomendations.
I'll try out fetlife then thanks, I do have an issue with our community going into pretenciousness, but I would still like to see how other sites do it differently.

Thank you