To say that I don't have a hand in controlling feelings would be a complete understatement. I've never been good at handling feelings. To be more specific, I've never been good at handling feelings when there are a number of them happening at once. It would be like juggling butter at their room temperature softness. Imagine if you had to juggle five of them: it can be so unpredictable. You would never know how each one will land on your palm, whether two of them will collide with each other to form a bigger chunk of yellow, or how long it would take for all of them to escape from their momentum and drop to the floor. One thing I do know is that it can be messy and filled with anxiety.
Therefore it is with great displeasure that I find myself in the aforementioned state, juggling between infatuation, lust, fear, rationale and one that I have yet to accurately identify. And it all started with you.
You, the one who, we both never expected, could drill a hole into the iron wall that had naturally formed around my chest from years of not feeling.
You, who stretched my perceptions and challenged my strong set of beliefs.
You, the supposed terrible influence that makes me want to flush my reserves down the toilet and end that inner battle once and for all.
You, the thing that causes me to ache so deep in my core, and to throb everywhere else.
I've told you a million times I wouldn't be able to deal. I've likened myself to a robot that has been programmed to only process one emotion at a time. Anything more would send me into overdrive. I would disintegrate, then I would split, disappear. And yet you were never afraid like how I constantly was. And yet you told me you would always flow along the current of the river. And yet you told me to just dive in along with you.
I asked you once if I were physically at wherever you were, whether you would kiss me. You said you would if I wanted you to. The young girl I was a couple of months ago would never have forgone the religious principles that were drilled into me since before the start of adolescence, and would never have given so willingly. But now, I want to. I want to embrace being human. I want to let myself give in to that emotion that I previously could not identify.
Because maybe you were right, mein schatz, when you said I had passion after all.
Therefore it is with great displeasure that I find myself in the aforementioned state, juggling between infatuation, lust, fear, rationale and one that I have yet to accurately identify. And it all started with you.
You, the one who, we both never expected, could drill a hole into the iron wall that had naturally formed around my chest from years of not feeling.
You, who stretched my perceptions and challenged my strong set of beliefs.
You, the supposed terrible influence that makes me want to flush my reserves down the toilet and end that inner battle once and for all.
You, the thing that causes me to ache so deep in my core, and to throb everywhere else.
I've told you a million times I wouldn't be able to deal. I've likened myself to a robot that has been programmed to only process one emotion at a time. Anything more would send me into overdrive. I would disintegrate, then I would split, disappear. And yet you were never afraid like how I constantly was. And yet you told me you would always flow along the current of the river. And yet you told me to just dive in along with you.
I asked you once if I were physically at wherever you were, whether you would kiss me. You said you would if I wanted you to. The young girl I was a couple of months ago would never have forgone the religious principles that were drilled into me since before the start of adolescence, and would never have given so willingly. But now, I want to. I want to embrace being human. I want to let myself give in to that emotion that I previously could not identify.
Because maybe you were right, mein schatz, when you said I had passion after all.
