Aftercare advice

[Burner101]

Ok, so me(top) and my gf(sub) are pretty new to any sort of BDSM but were still doing it and we both love it(Note: the top/sub relationship is only sexual). Here is the first major barrier we have come across and how we came to it.

We had been mostly sticking to hair pulling, some manhandling, calling her things like "slut" or "whore" or whatnot and if we had the time then some bondage and flogging. However, we were pretty new and therefore pretty reserved about everything, the confidence just wasn't there until last time. The last time we did this, it just clicked for me as being the dominant one. I was confident in what I was saying I made her do everything I wanted, she never asked me to slow down or anything and we're pretty good about communicating. She orgasmed multiple times and said it was a great time but the problem was the next day I found out she didn't want to do things that rough again because she said she basically felt shitty about herself afterwards that night(after I left) and a little the next day. Naturally I felt terrible about this because I had been doing the research on this stuff and read about aftercare but I'm pretty sure I messed it up because its supposed to make it so this is avoided. I cuddled with her and made sure she knew that I cared about her on more than a sexual level and we had vanilla sex 2 more times after that but she still felt bad the next day. Were going to slow back down to where we were and build up slower to see where we should be stopping for now but is there anything I am missing or that others find helpful for aftercare/avoiding the feeling bad part? Or is this even an aftercare thing or just a personal limit thing(because she liked it at the time just afterwards wasn't good).

 

[CuriouslyInterested]

Was it a specific act that made her feel bad or was it the experience in general? You might see if you can get her to pinpoint what it is that is making her feel bad about the experience. If it is just "I can't believe I let you do that" or "I can't believe you did that" etc then it might be a bit of subdrop that aftercare can help with. You'll have to find what works best is terms of activities you both enjoy and how to provide care afterwards. Starting again slow will probably help before venturing too much further into exploitation. What are definite likes for her you can turn into dominating acts? Stay clear from unknowns and dislikes until you both have an idea of how she's reacting to the domination.

 

[Burner101]

What would be a couple examples of good ways to do aftercare? I've read that you should have like a fuzzy blanket or something to wrap the sub in and then tend to any bodily harm that may have happened but that doesn't really cover what the emotional goal of aftercare is. Is it just like a cooldown period or a time to remind the sub you care about them as a person or idk what really. I also don't know what an average length of time for aftercare is. Idk if it is too personal to ask someone but what would be an example aftercare routine?

 

[Doctor Pervert]

The type and methods of after care is a very individual thing and it sounds like you have been making a good effort in the right direction. As you are both quite new to this it sounds like there could be some issues with residual guilt too. I have found it quite common especially in new subs to have that period of "what did I do, how could I be such a pervert" come over them. Most often I see this after big sessions, sometimes it is easy for subs to go further than intended especially in the heat of passion and then later regret it. What seems to help is some reassurance that enjoying her kink is ok, that it doesn't make her a bad person in fact it makes her stronger. While a lot of women suppress or repress these kinky urges she has lived them. You only need to look at the popularity of the whole Greys thing to see how many women are fascinated by the world of kink, very few express it.