This week has actually finally gone well and I am genuinely feeling happier, more relaxed and motivated.
These last few weeks I haven?t felt like a useful or wanted sub. I understand that Master had a lot of work to do and that obviously his uni work comes first, as it should but I don?t just switch off when he isn?t around and I found myself craving the control I wasn?t getting and I think the slip ups I made were my desperate way to try and get some attention, but that didn?t even work because he didn?t punish or tell me off really. Felt like he just was not interested false stop which left me feeling like I didn?t really have a Master. I know I should have kept my rituals up because he shouldn?t have to check up on me all the time but it?s really hard to have the motivation or desire to do them when you don?t feel like there is any other domination, it all felt like I was disciplining myself because I was the one having to make sure I was doing it. He didn?t even keep up with my punishment from last week were I had to report to him every day and obviously I just forgot about it and thought he didn?t really care if I did it or not.
We ended up having a very long talk about it and properly addressing the problems not just skimming round the edges not wanting to upset each other. He said that he felt like he couldn?t punish me because he thought I?d get overly upset because I?ve been so down and end up resenting him. He also said I?ve been so whiney lately he?s just felt like anything he?s asked me to do has been a chore not something I wanted to do. The other morning he randomly went into play when I gave him his wake up call and although it?s what I had been wanting and craving I whined about it. Why? Can?t even think why guess just being a brat for the sake of it, maybe I thought it would get me more attention as I hadn?t seemed to get it by being good. Anyway I did end up doing as he said and had and got a very nice spanking and ended up with a few nice bruises on my boobies and a lovely rosy bottom which ached a bit when I sat on the hard chair at work
So from now on we are both making a conscience effort to get things back on track, I?m not going to whine about having to do things he tells me to and am going to start being the sub he started off with, not a whiny bratty one. I really am just hoping that he will clamp down on me and get things back on track because I can?t do this without running the risk of topping from the bottom something I really don?t want to end up doing. And yeah ok sometimes I stick my ore in too much and should just let him take the control but that is something I plan to work on and is an area I struggle with but I am honestly trying harder now.
After we had had our talk about everything we were just talking in general and I can?t even remember what I said but Master said it made him hard and as he said he hadn?t been feeling overly Dom recently I decided just to randomly take control. I was at work and it was quiet with no one about so I told him to get on cam get a shoe lace and get himself naked. I am so glad I read his mood right because it seriously paid of and we both had a really good time and I think it was the final thing to clear the air. He ended up so hyper and giggly after that I couldn?t even understand what he was saying hehe.
Although I?m seriously uninteresting in switching anymore I just thought that that was what he needed at the time and as he likes to switch I thought it would just be another way for me to please him and to be honest I was willing to try anything to relieve the tension and get things back on track again. I?m not pretending that I don?t find doming him occasionally hot but it?s more that it?s him than the doming side and I know he really enjoys it so again it goes back to the giving him pleasure side. At the end of the day it works for us so it?s all good 
As I?ve said in previous entries I play on irc with a few Doms, just online sceneing but I basically betrayed the trust one of the Doms gave me and Master ended up getting involved. I explained to Master that I really needed punishment for my actions to have some sort of closure on the subject and be able to show that I understood that I had let Master down, he trusts me to talk and play a bit online and I didn?t set a very good example.
As a punishment I had to stand in the corner of my room for half an hour and think about what I had done. Half an hour is a seriously long time! It was very boring and freezing cold in my room that night so it really did drive home that I had done something wrong. I also had to write a letter of apology to the Dom which took me a long time to do as everything I began writing sound insincere or over the top. Writing a letter of apology is something I really don?t like doing because it makes what I did wrong permanent on the page and also makes me think a lot deeper about what I?ve done. Yes that is the point but is what makes it such a harsh punishment for me.
As I?ve gotten a lot of my motivation back this week I decided to finally get my hair cut today and I feel like I?ve lost half my hair! I really like it but it was seriously long before and it now feels so short. My head feels so much lighter as well and it?s going to be great for the summer, just wish the sunny weather would come back now. Feeling quite pretty today and had a bit of retail therapy and bought some summer clothes as well so just made myself feel good and tried them all on and did myself a little fashion show
Oh and to top my good mood Master is coming home next weekend so we are going to meet up and have some days out which will be so nice, just spend some time together. I think one of the big problems with long distance is that the small problems seem massive because there isn?t the other daily things evening them out and putting them into perspective.
This week really honestly does feel like things are working out again and I?m hoping that I can pull myself back on track and properly get myself out of this low period, I think it?s been a lot worse than I would like to admit to myself. This is kind of me trying to start over with a lot of things with myself and get myself back to being the good submissive Master says I am 
Oh oh I almost forgot to say I have a new ritual. I have to keep my pubies shaved into a little T, which is Masters initial by the way. Shaving completely is one of my limits as I personally feel it looks infantile but I have always kept it obsessively shaved to a neat little patch as I?m not keen on totally wild down there either, yes I?m overly fussy and obsessive hehe. So I?m loving my little T at the mo and so is Master so that is now a ritual too, I keep randomly stroking it cos it?s all smooth lol
These last few weeks I haven?t felt like a useful or wanted sub. I understand that Master had a lot of work to do and that obviously his uni work comes first, as it should but I don?t just switch off when he isn?t around and I found myself craving the control I wasn?t getting and I think the slip ups I made were my desperate way to try and get some attention, but that didn?t even work because he didn?t punish or tell me off really. Felt like he just was not interested false stop which left me feeling like I didn?t really have a Master. I know I should have kept my rituals up because he shouldn?t have to check up on me all the time but it?s really hard to have the motivation or desire to do them when you don?t feel like there is any other domination, it all felt like I was disciplining myself because I was the one having to make sure I was doing it. He didn?t even keep up with my punishment from last week were I had to report to him every day and obviously I just forgot about it and thought he didn?t really care if I did it or not.
We ended up having a very long talk about it and properly addressing the problems not just skimming round the edges not wanting to upset each other. He said that he felt like he couldn?t punish me because he thought I?d get overly upset because I?ve been so down and end up resenting him. He also said I?ve been so whiney lately he?s just felt like anything he?s asked me to do has been a chore not something I wanted to do. The other morning he randomly went into play when I gave him his wake up call and although it?s what I had been wanting and craving I whined about it. Why? Can?t even think why guess just being a brat for the sake of it, maybe I thought it would get me more attention as I hadn?t seemed to get it by being good. Anyway I did end up doing as he said and had and got a very nice spanking and ended up with a few nice bruises on my boobies and a lovely rosy bottom which ached a bit when I sat on the hard chair at work
So from now on we are both making a conscience effort to get things back on track, I?m not going to whine about having to do things he tells me to and am going to start being the sub he started off with, not a whiny bratty one. I really am just hoping that he will clamp down on me and get things back on track because I can?t do this without running the risk of topping from the bottom something I really don?t want to end up doing. And yeah ok sometimes I stick my ore in too much and should just let him take the control but that is something I plan to work on and is an area I struggle with but I am honestly trying harder now.
After we had had our talk about everything we were just talking in general and I can?t even remember what I said but Master said it made him hard and as he said he hadn?t been feeling overly Dom recently I decided just to randomly take control. I was at work and it was quiet with no one about so I told him to get on cam get a shoe lace and get himself naked. I am so glad I read his mood right because it seriously paid of and we both had a really good time and I think it was the final thing to clear the air. He ended up so hyper and giggly after that I couldn?t even understand what he was saying hehe.
Although I?m seriously uninteresting in switching anymore I just thought that that was what he needed at the time and as he likes to switch I thought it would just be another way for me to please him and to be honest I was willing to try anything to relieve the tension and get things back on track again. I?m not pretending that I don?t find doming him occasionally hot but it?s more that it?s him than the doming side and I know he really enjoys it so again it goes back to the giving him pleasure side. At the end of the day it works for us so it?s all good 
As I?ve said in previous entries I play on irc with a few Doms, just online sceneing but I basically betrayed the trust one of the Doms gave me and Master ended up getting involved. I explained to Master that I really needed punishment for my actions to have some sort of closure on the subject and be able to show that I understood that I had let Master down, he trusts me to talk and play a bit online and I didn?t set a very good example.
As a punishment I had to stand in the corner of my room for half an hour and think about what I had done. Half an hour is a seriously long time! It was very boring and freezing cold in my room that night so it really did drive home that I had done something wrong. I also had to write a letter of apology to the Dom which took me a long time to do as everything I began writing sound insincere or over the top. Writing a letter of apology is something I really don?t like doing because it makes what I did wrong permanent on the page and also makes me think a lot deeper about what I?ve done. Yes that is the point but is what makes it such a harsh punishment for me.
As I?ve gotten a lot of my motivation back this week I decided to finally get my hair cut today and I feel like I?ve lost half my hair! I really like it but it was seriously long before and it now feels so short. My head feels so much lighter as well and it?s going to be great for the summer, just wish the sunny weather would come back now. Feeling quite pretty today and had a bit of retail therapy and bought some summer clothes as well so just made myself feel good and tried them all on and did myself a little fashion show
Oh and to top my good mood Master is coming home next weekend so we are going to meet up and have some days out which will be so nice, just spend some time together. I think one of the big problems with long distance is that the small problems seem massive because there isn?t the other daily things evening them out and putting them into perspective.
This week really honestly does feel like things are working out again and I?m hoping that I can pull myself back on track and properly get myself out of this low period, I think it?s been a lot worse than I would like to admit to myself. This is kind of me trying to start over with a lot of things with myself and get myself back to being the good submissive Master says I am 
Oh oh I almost forgot to say I have a new ritual. I have to keep my pubies shaved into a little T, which is Masters initial by the way. Shaving completely is one of my limits as I personally feel it looks infantile but I have always kept it obsessively shaved to a neat little patch as I?m not keen on totally wild down there either, yes I?m overly fussy and obsessive hehe. So I?m loving my little T at the mo and so is Master so that is now a ritual too, I keep randomly stroking it cos it?s all smooth lol
