So finally here it is: my first Kink Talk blog ^-^
For my first entry I think it would be fitting that I explain a bit the reasons why I decided to start a blog here. Even though it is my first time blogging here I have had 3 other blogs in the past, all of them on Livejournal. I started writing my first one back in September 2007 when I was involved in a relationship with another Master. My first blog was… well… a bit boring to be honest… It was really made more like a “dare report” type of journal and my entries sounded pretty much like a “I did this then I did that” kinda blog… I was not really used to write about my experiences much less in a second language. So I didn’t let a lot of my personality or emotions out in there at all. But still I enjoyed the experience because I love writing.
The second blog was the one I kept for the longest time. I started it at the very beginning of my relationship with Merlin and, for months, I posted there regularly, usually 1-2 times per week. My entries were also a lot longer and much more personal. Back then it was also a very useful tool for both Merlin and me. It’s never easy for me to talk about myself, how I feel, etc. And when I’m living experiences that draw intense feelings it becomes even harder. I either don’t know what to say or can’t seem to find the right words… sometimes I’m not even sure what I feel exactly… Even now I think I’ve become better at it but it’s still not something that comes out naturally. However, it’s not really hard for me to sit and think back a bit later and write about these things. I remember how I could start an entry saying I wanted to keep it short and simple and finally ending up writing for a few hours and posting a 12 paragraph entry! lol Even if Merlin and I talk every day for at least 1-2 hours each time (most time more than that) each time I blogged it seemed like new things came out.
For the last 2 months my entries became more irregular and, somehow, I started to lose interest and motivation to keep up with it. The main problem was that I’m very self-critical. So the focus of my entries became more and more about what I had done wrong, how unsatisfied and disappointed of myself I was, and blah blah… Even when I seemed to have a good week and to be in a good mood as soon as I sat to write this was all I could come up with. So I needed to step back and temporarily stop writing because it was no longer beneficial to me.
Then a couple of months later the neeed to start writing came back so last fall I started a 3rd blog. I wanted it to have a different tone and not to be strictly focused on my slavery and experiences. I wanted it to be more general so I could write about my thoughts on D/s in general, not just my own experiences. And, at times, I would write about stuff completely unrelated to D/s. Because after all, even though I’m a slave, it’s not my only interest in life. So this would have given me the opportunity to write about more lighthearted stuff.
Unfortunately, this 3rd blog was short-lived for a couple of reasons, the main one being that I started to get ill not longer after I started it. Last fall and winter I’ve been sick pretty much all the time in fact
In October I caught the flu. No big deal there even though I’m rarely ill and catch a cold once every 5 year usually… But this silly flu, for whatever reason, didn’t want to go away… After a couple of weeks I seemed to feel better but yet still “tired”… Then one day I came back from the swimming pool, started to chat on yahoo with Merlin, when suddenly I started to feel incredibly tired with high fever, muscle pain… Things got worse: unable to sleep: laying down was too painful! It was a viral pneumonia… :S I used to think that a pneumonia was like the flu but only worse… It’s not like that at all… I just felt incredibly tired and my body was aching all over… ugh! The first days I could not do anything: even sitting at my desk was too much. But I still left my comp open and, at times, I would get up to type a few lines to Merlin. This may sound funny but only doing this and knowing I was not “alone” helped me recover.
It took several weeks though for me to feel normal again and I was fine during the Christmas holidays… until I caught scarlet fever last January >.< Silly thing, really… in some ways it was worse than the pneumonia. With the pneumonia, I was feeling awful but at least each day I could see that I was getting a little bit better. This stupid fever, however, was completely unpredictible. For one or two days I felt ill and sleepy then one day I’d be fine only to feel sick again… =/ And once again, it took a few weeks for me to recover fully…
Being ill for such a long period of time affected me in general as well. Obviously, because of the circumstances, I couldn’t do as much tasks as I used to. And the few times I did it felt odd: I just felt as if I was not myself anymore :S It was kinda scary because for a short period of time I felt like I wasn’t sure anymore I wanted to be a slave at all… Now I think, due to being interrupted a few times with illness and other stuff I ended up losing sight of why I was doing all of this for… I could not follow many of my old rules because they had become unpracticable during the time I was sick. And the tasks themselves became more difficult too because I had lost focus in general…
For this reason, among other ones, and after a few long discussions Merlin and I decided that it would be best for me to start from zero. With everything: the rules, tasks, etc. This is, in some ways, a huge step back but I felt like it was a good one and that it was necessary. I just wasn’t able to go back to the point I was before the illness and all the problems it had caused.
So since I’m beginning everything all over again this made me feel like starting to write again too. I know I have missed it and I think Merlin has to. Then 2 weeks ago when Depp posted about the new KT blog features I had a look at this and I liked it a lot. I always had a bit of a hard time with Livejournal because I didn’t understand how to use all the features there and some other things were not free =/ And since I also decided to be more active here it all made sense that here would be the perfect place to start my new journal In fact the timing is perfect: I’m getting more active here, the site itself has started to get more active (which I’m so happy about!), I’m starting all over again as a “beginner slave” hehe… and it’s spring… I always feel the urge to start new things at spring ^-^
So all of this to say that I’m moving my new blog here
Once last note: after discussing my new blog with Merlin I have made it visible to contacts only and opted to moderate comments before display. Not what I had planned at first lol… My first idea was to make it visible to all but allow only contacts to comment but I finally followed Merlin’s “recommandations”
So that’s it for now… Hopefully I will make this a regular and interesting blog. I have no idea at the moment about the frequency of my entries but ideally I would like to post once a week. But anyway, no matter how regularly I post, I think it will be easier for me to stay closer to my blog here. Also I think I’m gonna take the same direction as I wanted to with my last blog and not make it strictly a “slave blog” about my tasks and stuff but also about my thoughts in general.
Soooo….
Happy Easter and don’t eat all the chocolates!
For my first entry I think it would be fitting that I explain a bit the reasons why I decided to start a blog here. Even though it is my first time blogging here I have had 3 other blogs in the past, all of them on Livejournal. I started writing my first one back in September 2007 when I was involved in a relationship with another Master. My first blog was… well… a bit boring to be honest… It was really made more like a “dare report” type of journal and my entries sounded pretty much like a “I did this then I did that” kinda blog… I was not really used to write about my experiences much less in a second language. So I didn’t let a lot of my personality or emotions out in there at all. But still I enjoyed the experience because I love writing.
The second blog was the one I kept for the longest time. I started it at the very beginning of my relationship with Merlin and, for months, I posted there regularly, usually 1-2 times per week. My entries were also a lot longer and much more personal. Back then it was also a very useful tool for both Merlin and me. It’s never easy for me to talk about myself, how I feel, etc. And when I’m living experiences that draw intense feelings it becomes even harder. I either don’t know what to say or can’t seem to find the right words… sometimes I’m not even sure what I feel exactly… Even now I think I’ve become better at it but it’s still not something that comes out naturally. However, it’s not really hard for me to sit and think back a bit later and write about these things. I remember how I could start an entry saying I wanted to keep it short and simple and finally ending up writing for a few hours and posting a 12 paragraph entry! lol Even if Merlin and I talk every day for at least 1-2 hours each time (most time more than that) each time I blogged it seemed like new things came out.
For the last 2 months my entries became more irregular and, somehow, I started to lose interest and motivation to keep up with it. The main problem was that I’m very self-critical. So the focus of my entries became more and more about what I had done wrong, how unsatisfied and disappointed of myself I was, and blah blah… Even when I seemed to have a good week and to be in a good mood as soon as I sat to write this was all I could come up with. So I needed to step back and temporarily stop writing because it was no longer beneficial to me.
Then a couple of months later the neeed to start writing came back so last fall I started a 3rd blog. I wanted it to have a different tone and not to be strictly focused on my slavery and experiences. I wanted it to be more general so I could write about my thoughts on D/s in general, not just my own experiences. And, at times, I would write about stuff completely unrelated to D/s. Because after all, even though I’m a slave, it’s not my only interest in life. So this would have given me the opportunity to write about more lighthearted stuff.
Unfortunately, this 3rd blog was short-lived for a couple of reasons, the main one being that I started to get ill not longer after I started it. Last fall and winter I’ve been sick pretty much all the time in fact
In October I caught the flu. No big deal there even though I’m rarely ill and catch a cold once every 5 year usually… But this silly flu, for whatever reason, didn’t want to go away… After a couple of weeks I seemed to feel better but yet still “tired”… Then one day I came back from the swimming pool, started to chat on yahoo with Merlin, when suddenly I started to feel incredibly tired with high fever, muscle pain… Things got worse: unable to sleep: laying down was too painful! It was a viral pneumonia… :S I used to think that a pneumonia was like the flu but only worse… It’s not like that at all… I just felt incredibly tired and my body was aching all over… ugh! The first days I could not do anything: even sitting at my desk was too much. But I still left my comp open and, at times, I would get up to type a few lines to Merlin. This may sound funny but only doing this and knowing I was not “alone” helped me recover. It took several weeks though for me to feel normal again and I was fine during the Christmas holidays… until I caught scarlet fever last January >.< Silly thing, really… in some ways it was worse than the pneumonia. With the pneumonia, I was feeling awful but at least each day I could see that I was getting a little bit better. This stupid fever, however, was completely unpredictible. For one or two days I felt ill and sleepy then one day I’d be fine only to feel sick again… =/ And once again, it took a few weeks for me to recover fully…
Being ill for such a long period of time affected me in general as well. Obviously, because of the circumstances, I couldn’t do as much tasks as I used to. And the few times I did it felt odd: I just felt as if I was not myself anymore :S It was kinda scary because for a short period of time I felt like I wasn’t sure anymore I wanted to be a slave at all… Now I think, due to being interrupted a few times with illness and other stuff I ended up losing sight of why I was doing all of this for… I could not follow many of my old rules because they had become unpracticable during the time I was sick. And the tasks themselves became more difficult too because I had lost focus in general…
For this reason, among other ones, and after a few long discussions Merlin and I decided that it would be best for me to start from zero. With everything: the rules, tasks, etc. This is, in some ways, a huge step back but I felt like it was a good one and that it was necessary. I just wasn’t able to go back to the point I was before the illness and all the problems it had caused.
So since I’m beginning everything all over again this made me feel like starting to write again too. I know I have missed it and I think Merlin has to. Then 2 weeks ago when Depp posted about the new KT blog features I had a look at this and I liked it a lot. I always had a bit of a hard time with Livejournal because I didn’t understand how to use all the features there and some other things were not free =/ And since I also decided to be more active here it all made sense that here would be the perfect place to start my new journal
In fact the timing is perfect: I’m getting more active here, the site itself has started to get more active (which I’m so happy about!), I’m starting all over again as a “beginner slave” hehe… and it’s spring… I always feel the urge to start new things at spring ^-^ So all of this to say that I’m moving my new blog here
Once last note: after discussing my new blog with Merlin I have made it visible to contacts only and opted to moderate comments before display. Not what I had planned at first lol… My first idea was to make it visible to all but allow only contacts to comment but I finally followed Merlin’s “recommandations”
So that’s it for now… Hopefully I will make this a regular and interesting blog. I have no idea at the moment about the frequency of my entries but ideally I would like to post once a week. But anyway, no matter how regularly I post, I think it will be easier for me to stay closer to my blog here. Also I think I’m gonna take the same direction as I wanted to with my last blog and not make it strictly a “slave blog” about my tasks and stuff but also about my thoughts in general.
Soooo….
Happy Easter and don’t eat all the chocolates!
