my husband of many years just died. finding out he had a secret Dom life I never knew.

grievegirl

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I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact that as my husband died, I learned he had a secret life as a Dom. We had a very loving marriage and I was by his side to the end. Going through his phone, I found that he was involved in online and IRL connections over many years. Our sex life was always v. good (I thought) but had cooled in the last few years b/c he had some ED issues and he said that he had a loss of libido. Could he still love me while exercising his hidden kinks? Is it common to have a secret BDSM life while you're married? Is it possible that he wasn't actually cheating on me? Please help. I'm reeling
 

kirktreck

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Hello, first I'm realy sorry to hear of your loss.
i am a secret Dom. It has nothing at all to do with the woman I love.
Did he cheat on you .... No ... I would say not in his mind, I've been asked the same question and debated it fully.
Its nothing more than a hobby your loved one would not want you to be involved in.

Again delete what ever you have found and focus on the man you loved and who loved you.

All my best wishes for your future,
 

grievegirl

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Hello, first I'm realy sorry to hear of your loss.
i am a secret Dom. It has nothing at all to do with the woman I love.
Did he cheat on you .... No ... I would say not in his mind, I've been asked the same question and debated it fully.
Its nothing more than a hobby your loved one would not want you to be involved in.

Again delete what ever you have found and focus on the man you loved and who loved you.

All my best wishes for your future,
Thank you for this. I'll have to try. i would like to think he kept it secret to protect me (deleted his Hangout history on his deathbed in front of me) but troubled by some of the lengths he went to (hooked up during quarantine, knowing I'm immunocompromised.) Will have to toss his phone soon but can't just yet (contacts for his funeral etc) and some of his subs et al keep texting.
 

subzzzero

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My opinion
First off this is not on you in Any way. You’ve done nothing wrong you’re not lacking or lesser than anyone else.
Hard truth……get you’re hurt and grieving but i believe in honesty above all else.
Yes it’s cheating in my mind. Yes it’s shitty. If you were never given the chance to talk about it learn about it and then decide to participate or not then I feel yes it’s cheating. Maybe some of it youd find you liked and it could have been shared together. Maybe you’d realize it’s not your thing but you can love him and understand he would need it and you might have considered a poly lifestyle. Not all dynamics are sexual. They don’t have to be. And to be fair most real Dom sub things going on isn’t all about the sex. The control factor or lack there of is what the focus is on. I know lots of couples who vanilla are together and have kink partners separate from their spouse. But the spouse knows and agrees or atleast was given the chance to discuss it. You sound like you knew nothing of his interest in it ever. He kept it hidden. No its not fair. Yes it’s a shit time and way to find out. The fact that libido dropped for a set time is probably when all the irl meets started. Also think about it this way. If you had found all this out a year ago everyone healthy would you be reacting differently? I guess what I’m saying is death doesn’t make someone a saint. They still have those same faults as they did alive.

the next part again brutal honesty. It would be very big of you to notify all the subs who keep contacting you that he has passed. You don’t even have to go into the married part if you don’t want to. Chances are these ladies might not have any clue he’s married. He lied to you he prob lied to them. They might not even know he had multiple subs. But they just as you have formed a bond with him on some level or another. It sucks to have someone ghost and not know why. Did they leave me, die, did I screw up, etc? Closer for everyone is best. After that trash the phone and move on with your life. Grieve and remember the good. Then heal and start living your life again.
He did love you and just because he did other things at the end doesn’t erase the good years you did have.
 

grievegirl

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My opinion
First off this is not on you in Any way. You’ve done nothing wrong you’re not lacking or lesser than anyone else.
Hard truth……get you’re hurt and grieving but i believe in honesty above all else.
Yes it’s cheating in my mind. Yes it’s shitty. If you were never given the chance to talk about it learn about it and then decide to participate or not then I feel yes it’s cheating. Maybe some of it youd find you liked and it could have been shared together. Maybe you’d realize it’s not your thing but you can love him and understand he would need it and you might have considered a poly lifestyle. Not all dynamics are sexual. They don’t have to be. And to be fair most real Dom sub things going on isn’t all about the sex. The control factor or lack there of is what the focus is on. I know lots of couples who vanilla are together and have kink partners separate from their spouse. But the spouse knows and agrees or atleast was given the chance to discuss it. You sound like you knew nothing of his interest in it ever. He kept it hidden. No its not fair. Yes it’s a shit time and way to find out. The fact that libido dropped for a set time is probably when all the irl meets started. Also think about it this way. If you had found all this out a year ago everyone healthy would you be reacting differently? I guess what I’m saying is death doesn’t make someone a saint. They still have those same faults as they did alive.

the next part again brutal honesty. It would be very big of you to notify all the subs who keep contacting you that he has passed. You don’t even have to go into the married part if you don’t want to. Chances are these ladies might not have any clue he’s married. He lied to you he prob lied to them. They might not even know he had multiple subs. But they just as you have formed a bond with him on some level or another. It sucks to have someone ghost and not know why. Did they leave me, die, did I screw up, etc? Closer for everyone is best. After that trash the phone and move on with your life. Grieve and remember the good. Then heal and start living your life again.
He did love you and just because he did other things at the end doesn’t erase the good years you did have.
Thank your for this. Yes, it was deeply hidden but that doesn't mean that our sex life was dull. Also, as it turns out his subs (2-3) all knew he was married,; I read their messages re : "your wife." Found his OKC profile, listed himself as "Non-Monogamous, Married"
 

subzzzero

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Well guess he was honest with them. I didn’t ever say the sex life was dull. You mentioned he had Ed issues and libido stuff going on. That’s all I referred to. The ED can come From many things. Even the stress and guilt of lying possibly. Either way no fault of your own here. I hope you find closure.
 

asslovr

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Firstly, I'm very sorry for your loss.
It's very hard to know what is going on in someone else's mind, but perhaps some of the things I'm about to say can give some context. But everyone will give different opinions.
For some Doms, it is very hard to be dominant with the person you love. They can't treat the person they care most about as inferior to themselves. Many Dominants will have the dominant urge inside them, and feel it may need to be part of their life.
I don't know anything about either of you, and maybe he knew you're personality wouldn't be suited to being submissive, or knew what your reaction would be to him trying to explain it to you. Maybe having a secret was part of his kink.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing, and it's very possible he regretted never telling you. He may have even been ashamed to tell you.
Like was said above, in his mind, he possibly thought it was not cheating, if there was no feelings for the subs.
I'm not saying this is OK, or that it's not cheating, or even trying to justify it. Ultimately if you feel it was cheating, then it was.
Losing people is always hard, and this will make it harder, so if I can offer some advice it would be you have to try and remember all the good things. You want to be able to smile when thinking about him, not think about the bad things.
People on this site are in the whole, very open to answering questions and talking about things. If you feel you need to know about anything, ask us. (Just ignore the idiots that may msg you)
You asked if he could love you while having this secret part of his life. I believe very strongly that the answer is YES.
We are all human, and we all make mistakes and have different urges. I guess it's up to you if you can forgive him. Either way I genuinly hope you find some peace.
Again, as was said above, please know it was not your fault at all.
 

grievegirl

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Thank you so much for this. Your advice is helping me put things in perspective. I'm starting to see that maybe the secret aspect was part of his kink. It's a hard road ahead for me coming to terms with his secret life and not feeling like an idiot. But I know he loved me and I him. Hopefully one day I can put all of this behind me.
 

asslovr

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Please dont ever feel like an idiot. You shouldn't at all.
We are, mostly, all here to help, so feel free to pop back and ask anything that may help. It would be good to know how you're doing too
 

grievegirl

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I'm wondering if its a good idea to reach out to some of his subs/contacts to let them know of his death. I'm thinking I might get some insight from them about his secret persona and how he presented himself as a married man to them. Probably a mistake tho since I should put this all away and move on. But I'm v. curious to know more about this 'other' man I shared my life with
 

asslovr

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I think they should be informed. And I think it would be big of you to do so if you can bring yourself to.
If you do ask for information from them, please be prepared to hear things you may not want to. In the long run, these things may be of help, but short term possibly not.
They also may not know the full truth themselves, so you'll only hear "their" truth about the situation.
Ultimately, only you know how much you want or need to know. Just know anyone posting on this thread will be here for you if needed
 
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Fiery Bird

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I am so sorry to hear about your loss. The grieving process is never easy. And this is what it is, the grieving process and everyone grieves differently. Are you sure you’re ready to reach out and ultimately start asking questions and receiving replies and other questions?

Your husband just passed away... In my opinion, I think you need some time to wrap your head around his passing away and then this. Grieving a loved one is one thing, grieving added stuff is another. Whatever and however it eventually is, I agree with @asslover, try and remember all the good things. If he was a wonderful husband, friend and maybe father (if you guys had kids) try to remember that and who he was to you. Very hard and very difficult in the grieving process but the question is, did he love you? Again in my opinion from what you said, I think he did in his own way.

The ultimate question though is, did you love him? Ask yourself that and please never forget the answer while you’re grieving.
 

andrei

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I am sure he wasn't. I am sorry for your loss.
It's not cheating while he was trying to find something new without affecting your relationship. You maybe was something different than he intended and he just looked for something barely important. Maybe, I don't know.
(I am not reading the answers above but I do know because I do the same thing just being online here)

He didn't cheat on you and that's final. He loved you as I found in what you said.
 
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Fiery Bird

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I am sure he wasn't. I am sorry for your loss.
It's not cheating while he was trying to find something new without affecting your relationship. You maybe was something different than he intended and he just looked for something barely important. Maybe, I don't know.
(I am not reading the answers above but I do know because I do the same thing just being online here)

He didn't cheat on you and that's final. He loved you as I found in what you said.
andrei...
 
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andrei

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any advice I can help?
Don't mind me. you really can help yourself. If not, just ask! I have ideas.
 
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Fiery Bird

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I am so sorry to hear about your loss. The grieving process is never easy. And this is what it is, the grieving process and everyone grieves differently. Are you sure you’re ready to reach out and ultimately start asking questions and receiving replies and other questions?

Your husband just passed away... In my opinion, I think you need some time to wrap your head around his passing away and then this. Grieving a loved one is one thing, grieving added stuff is another. Whatever and however it eventually is, I agree with @asslover, try and remember all the good things. If he was a wonderful husband, friend and maybe father (if you guys had kids) try to remember that and who he was to you. Very hard and very difficult in the grieving process but the question is, did he love you? Again in my opinion from what you said, I think he did in his own way.

The ultimate question though is, did you love him? Ask yourself that and please never forget the answer while you’re grieving.

I think your post may hit too close to home for some here and that is by no means no fault of yours. People do what they do for whatever reason as you already know but that does not necessarily make them bad people.
 

grievegirl

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I think they should be informed. And I think it would be big of you to do so if you can bring yourself to.
If you do ask for information from them, please be prepared to hear things you may not want to. In the long run, these things may be of help, but short term possibly not.
They also may not know the full truth themselves, so you'll only hear "their" truth about the situation.
Ultimately, only you know how much you want or need to know. Just know anyone posting on this thread will be here for you if needed
I have now been able to access my deceased husband's computer and discovered that he was deep into the BDSM world for 10+ years (as a participant and a mentor) In some of the (many) conversations he had online there were often questions about his married status and he always lied; saying he was in a "don't ask, don't tell" marriage or describing himself as a "cheater." So, my question's been answered, he WAS cheating. Also, it seems that his subs already know about his death so there's no need for me to reach out. Definitely feeling the trusting fool now .
 

subbysecret

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I am so very sorry. I won't even pretend to be able to imagine what you're going through right now.

Relationships, whether "normal" or in BDSM, are all about trust, and there's no getting around the fact that he's betrayed yours, whatever his reasons and this is a truly awful way for you to have found out.

This is in no way a reflection on you - he's clearly not been honest with his kink partners either.

Coming to terms with this will be hard and I really wouldn't recommend you tried to do it alone, some counseling I think will be really helpful for you.

Thinking of you tonight with best wishes
 

StormyDungeons

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I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact that as my husband died, I learned he had a secret life as a Dom. We had a very loving marriage and I was by his side to the end. Going through his phone, I found that he was involved in online and IRL connections over many years. Our sex life was always v. good (I thought) but had cooled in the last few years b/c he had some ED issues and he said that he had a loss of libido. Could he still love me while exercising his hidden kinks? Is it common to have a secret BDSM life while you're married? Is it possible that he wasn't actually cheating on me? Please help. I'm reeling
I have known couples who were 2 peas in a pod and exact matches for everything......


everything but sex.

1 may be a daily need while the other is once a week or even once a month.

To that i offer this = NEVER CONFUSE FAITHFULNESS WITH LOYALTY.

That is a highly destructive state.

LOYALTY IS FAR AND AWAY MORE IMPORTANT.

You ask did he love you = YES

I KNOW THIS BECAUSE HE KNEW YOU, RESPECTED YOU, AND SPARED YOU.

Only actual love could do that.

You see being a dom is a means to help others find sexual expression and/or release.

Doms dont orgasm = they make the subs orgasm.

This is a form of sexual instruction actually.

Now you may wonder = How did he spare me?

He did not embarrass you.

He did not force you into things you fundametally could not accept.

He kept it all DISCRETE.

Apparantly he did quite a good job at all those. So good that only you know among your social circles = note: keep it that way.

And be advised= regardless of everyones public face , social face, church/religion face....

we ALL have our sexual face and those manage to find ways to express regardless of social morality and religious movements and do so because THEY ARE HUMAN EXPRESSIONS ABOVE ALL AS WE ARE SEXUAL CREATURES AS DESIGNED BY GOD.

What he did although shocking to you at this point, was not evil, disloyal, or uncommon.

It was just his way of human expression, and, in the midst of a chronic e.d. syndrome, it may have been his most positive way of coping while still remaining loyal to you.

I hope i managed to offer some form of positive comfort, information, and support. I also hope you manage to avoid falling prey to the threatening demons of GUILT AND/OR BETRAYAL, because you did not fail him as a wife and he did not fail you as a husband.

In fact it sounds like you had a long and happy marriage to be envied and noted.

May God bless you in your time of grief. -:)
 

grievegirl

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Thank you so much for this. It's been quite hard to reconcile the man I loved and spent my life with and the man I'm learning about as I encounter more and more of his secret 'other' life.

While finding dom toys and equipment hidden away while clearing out his things I have experienced that 'demon' of betrayal. How could I not. I trusted him completely and he knew it. How else was he able to devote this much of himself to BDSM without knowing he was free to be live unchecked.

In searching for him, I've read a lot of what he wrote about himself and others online. The digital trail is quite extensive. It's difficult to find out that your life partner was actually someone else and had a whole network of friends/contacts in that life.

Although I do feel his loyalty to me, I'm very troubled by all the lies he told me (even as he was dying) to cover it all up. I can only hope that he would have been equally troubled if he knew that his former sub was now harassing me with angry texts. Using personal information (and some lies he must have told her) to try and hurt me while I grieve.

I really appreciate your offering of information and support. Comfort is still a long shot at this point b/c I can't access that loyal loving husband I was married to in my mind without running into that new person I never knew
 

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