There are a few things among the most common D/s practices that we just aren’t sure how to feel about… at least I think I’m not the only one and judging from my experiences on forums I think I’m right about that. Things that we just hear about and we think “err… I dunno…” Humiliation is one of those things for me. For one thing, I find it so tricky because it directly involves a person’s mind and feelings. I could never really tell, like filling a checklist for ex., how exactly I felt about it. It usually ranged from a dislike to a soft limit to a hard limit depending on my mood that day… But one thing for sure: it never sounded positive to me. I have always struggled with the whole idea and culdn’t understand why a sub would want to engage in it much less why a Dom would even want to inflict it on a person he/she claims to care about.
I must explain that when I was young I was always the target of bullies. Abuse, mainly verbal, was daily during pretty much all the time I was in elementary and high school. I grew a lot in confidence during my college years but later spent 4 years with a partner that was both verbally and mentally abusive. So I have loads of bad experiences and inevitably these have left some psychological scars whether I want it or not. So when in a D/s context and heard about humiliation I thought I wanted it just as much as I would want cancer… I could not imagine being subjected to it again without being irreparably damaged. All my past experiences told me: “no, this is wrong, don’t go there!”
But of course I’m also a curious nature. And I sincerely want to understand. Obviously, I’m aware that everyone is different, that things vary from one person to another and so on… I know that. But I’m also aware that this is one rather common practice so I had to think to myself that perhaps it’s just me who doesn’t understand humiliation in a D/s context. Surely, it had to be different than how a schoolyard bully just pick on another student or an abusive partner throwing his weight around, right? So I was really curious to find out why some subs loved it so much. Some of the reasons I found didn’t make sense at all in my head, some others I could understand a bit… I’ve heard for ex. one person say that after a humiliation scene she felt “confident and sexy”… Uh? This… I could not (and I’m not sure I still can) understand… Not judging or anything… but it all sounds like a contradiction to me as I thought the purpose was to have the reverse effect… Another thing I’ve heard often was that many liked how their Dominants were proud of them after they went through with it… Okay, that I can understand better…
So another question popped up in my mind: Is it really humiliation if one enjoys it? After all, there are other words we use in a D/s context that have a different meaning as opposed as if we use it in general. Even the word “slave” is a good example of it. There are plenty of slaves in D/s but none are slaves according to the dictionary’s definition of it. So maybe after all it was just me who took the word and understood it to its original meaning?
So next step is that I looked up at the sort of specific activities that both Doms and subs attributed as humiliation play. That’s where I got more surprised… and confused! O_O Because many of those things… I just never saw them as humiliating… :S Some of those things are even high on my “likes list” like clothing restrictions, food control, forced exercises… Okay I could see it as humiliating if it was ordered accompanied with some harsh words but still had never looked at it that way… Then some others like being exposed, being examined or used, being fucked with food or household items… There I can understand but still I always saw it more as a sort of emotional discomfort (and a positive one) more than humiliation…
And yet again I also know that there are things other that I didn’t see being mentioned but I sure know I would consider them as humiliating… Even writing about some subjects in my blog or elsewhere can have this effect on me at times…
I think that personally, and most likely because of my past experiences, I came to interpret humiliation as being more like degradation. And I guess I still do because I still hate that word and how it makes me feel. I don’t want this reflection to go into a “what’s the difference between humiliation and degradation” thing here because it’s not the main point of my reflexion at the moment but I read a definition for both that I found interesting:
I can see how even if I thought I saw these 2 as different things how I interpreted humiliation more like degradation. I’m not completely sure about those 2 short definitions but at least it helped me see the difference a bit more clearly I think… Of course, I would guess no one wants to be hurt and feel like crap. And I see that, just like pain, there can be “good humiliation” and “bad humiliation”. But where to draw the line? Because opening to good humiliation leaves you vulnerable to the bad one once you’ve left your guard down… So my thoughts are clearer… but I’m still quite uncomfortable with the concept knowing that… I know that I’ve been (without it being on purpose) on the receiving end of bad humiliation and I know how badly I handled it… It left me feeling like I was broken. Even if that was some time ago I can’t think or talk about it without feeling a knot in my stomach… And I’m pretty sure also that humiliation for me would require some mandatory emotional aftercare afterwards…
Well, I think that’s all about my reflection about humiliation for now… For sure I’m not done thinking about it and I will probably continue this reflection in the future. I know that there were some other things I wanted to add but it slipped as I was typing and now I am eager to post and not let a document wait until I lose my train of thoughts... Still I know I am starting to see it a bit differently now…
So if there’s anything new about it I will perhaps post a “Part 2” some time
I must explain that when I was young I was always the target of bullies. Abuse, mainly verbal, was daily during pretty much all the time I was in elementary and high school. I grew a lot in confidence during my college years but later spent 4 years with a partner that was both verbally and mentally abusive. So I have loads of bad experiences and inevitably these have left some psychological scars whether I want it or not. So when in a D/s context and heard about humiliation I thought I wanted it just as much as I would want cancer… I could not imagine being subjected to it again without being irreparably damaged. All my past experiences told me: “no, this is wrong, don’t go there!”
But of course I’m also a curious nature. And I sincerely want to understand. Obviously, I’m aware that everyone is different, that things vary from one person to another and so on… I know that. But I’m also aware that this is one rather common practice so I had to think to myself that perhaps it’s just me who doesn’t understand humiliation in a D/s context. Surely, it had to be different than how a schoolyard bully just pick on another student or an abusive partner throwing his weight around, right? So I was really curious to find out why some subs loved it so much. Some of the reasons I found didn’t make sense at all in my head, some others I could understand a bit… I’ve heard for ex. one person say that after a humiliation scene she felt “confident and sexy”… Uh? This… I could not (and I’m not sure I still can) understand… Not judging or anything… but it all sounds like a contradiction to me as I thought the purpose was to have the reverse effect… Another thing I’ve heard often was that many liked how their Dominants were proud of them after they went through with it… Okay, that I can understand better…
So another question popped up in my mind: Is it really humiliation if one enjoys it? After all, there are other words we use in a D/s context that have a different meaning as opposed as if we use it in general. Even the word “slave” is a good example of it. There are plenty of slaves in D/s but none are slaves according to the dictionary’s definition of it. So maybe after all it was just me who took the word and understood it to its original meaning?
So next step is that I looked up at the sort of specific activities that both Doms and subs attributed as humiliation play. That’s where I got more surprised… and confused! O_O Because many of those things… I just never saw them as humiliating… :S Some of those things are even high on my “likes list” like clothing restrictions, food control, forced exercises… Okay I could see it as humiliating if it was ordered accompanied with some harsh words but still had never looked at it that way… Then some others like being exposed, being examined or used, being fucked with food or household items… There I can understand but still I always saw it more as a sort of emotional discomfort (and a positive one) more than humiliation…
And yet again I also know that there are things other that I didn’t see being mentioned but I sure know I would consider them as humiliating… Even writing about some subjects in my blog or elsewhere can have this effect on me at times…
I think that personally, and most likely because of my past experiences, I came to interpret humiliation as being more like degradation. And I guess I still do because I still hate that word and how it makes me feel. I don’t want this reflection to go into a “what’s the difference between humiliation and degradation” thing here because it’s not the main point of my reflexion at the moment but I read a definition for both that I found interesting:
I can see how even if I thought I saw these 2 as different things how I interpreted humiliation more like degradation. I’m not completely sure about those 2 short definitions but at least it helped me see the difference a bit more clearly I think… Of course, I would guess no one wants to be hurt and feel like crap. And I see that, just like pain, there can be “good humiliation” and “bad humiliation”. But where to draw the line? Because opening to good humiliation leaves you vulnerable to the bad one once you’ve left your guard down… So my thoughts are clearer… but I’m still quite uncomfortable with the concept knowing that… I know that I’ve been (without it being on purpose) on the receiving end of bad humiliation and I know how badly I handled it… It left me feeling like I was broken. Even if that was some time ago I can’t think or talk about it without feeling a knot in my stomach… And I’m pretty sure also that humiliation for me would require some mandatory emotional aftercare afterwards…
Well, I think that’s all about my reflection about humiliation for now… For sure I’m not done thinking about it and I will probably continue this reflection in the future. I know that there were some other things I wanted to add but it slipped as I was typing and now I am eager to post and not let a document wait until I lose my train of thoughts... Still I know I am starting to see it a bit differently now…
So if there’s anything new about it I will perhaps post a “Part 2” some time
