Hmm… since I re-started with my blog I’ve made a sort of introductory post and that sort version of rules, limits and stuff… So I guess now is time to write a “real entry”…
To be perfectly honest, I feel like I have to… I’ve been feeling like that about everything… Before I became ill and the re-start I was pretty much well-organized and everything was clearly defined. But for the last couple of months it’s been very hard for me to get my motivation back. Not just about submission but pretty much everything else. Too often I end up feeling like I’ve done nothing constructive… I even find myself sitting, wondering what to do, in which order to do these things, only to end up sitting and waiting and sighing… and nothing happens… I hate that! I feel like a lazy dead-weight when this happens.
Last week I tried to make a short list of priorities; things that I wanted to be done within the week to, at least, feel like I’m not wasting my time and try to get back on track. I was feeling more calm and my thoughts in general were a bit clearer. Aside from one thing, I managed to get everything done by friday. I was supposed to sort my clothes because there are stuff I don’t want anymore and needed to make some pics of a few new things I have so Merlin could re-start pickiing my clothes and that my clothing rule would be back. I haven’t done that… I was supposed to start with it last weekend but some family came to visit so I got less time than I had planned :-/ I finally started with this yesterday…
But aside from it I was able to get everything else done. The last thing on my list was that last blog entry… While in the middle of writing it I started to feel blah again… It was really the first time that I didn’t feel 100% happy about that restart… Writing down the rules, of course, only made me realize how much of a stepback it has been compared to where I was before. It’s not so much about the amount… but I know what effect it’s had on me not being able to keep up any longer during and after the illness… Having to stop most of them didn’t only had positive effects and I’m pretty sure it has been one of the reason for being so numb and disorganized as of late… And as for the rest: the likes, dislikes, limits and stuff… most of it is so blurry right now that making a list of them was a real headache… A few weeks ago I updated my checklist and it was the same damn thing: for many things I have no clue what to think… But I think it has also to do about the fact that I have a really odd “love/hate relationship” with my dislikes in general… Well about my likes too… So I’m still at a point where I’m not quite sure so I was feeling it was a bit useless while writing it. Well, at least, I know my limits are still clear though… so I guess I’m not completely crazy yet…
Like I mentioned in my previous entries: it’s not just the rules that I have had to restart. But with tasks as well. Having to restart with everything at a lower level also has its upside and downside… In general, I’m a lot calmer and relaxed… but it’s also hard because I have no way to “see” how I’m progressing at the moment, at least in general… And the frequency of those has been significantly less than it used to be for a number of reasons… I think one of the main reason is because Merlin needs to think about how to approach certain things differently since the new start. And that he also wants to let me think about it as well and not rush into stuff… Which is fair enough. But, yet again, I’m left with mixed feelings about that too :-/ Sometimes I’m happy to have this “time off”, some other times I feel useless a bit and think that if I didn’t have so much problems with some tasks before it would not have happened and some other times I just feel ignored and as if I was punished and I think I probably deserve it…
So yeah, everything’s quite blurry right now including how I feel in general… I don’t feel bad. In general, the past few weeks I was actually more calm and neutral. I think I mostly worry about how things are gonna work and if I’m really on the right path because I don’t want to stay at the level I’m at right now for too long…
There are a couple of things I definitely know I’m happy about though ^-^ One of them is spankings. After my illness, when I was to spank myself I started hated it. Really! This was really strange because it used to rank high among my favorites… I was hating it for 2 reasons. One being because… it was one of my favorite things… >.< Then I was hating everything I used to like… I could spend an entire blog entry about that but it has mostly to do with what I was talking about earlier about my love/hate thing for my likes & dislikes… I was increasingly frustrated and annoyed that it was one of the few things I never had problems with and started to think I was only good to spank myself. The other reason being purely physical: I was not able to take nearly as much as I used to because I was left hypersensible in the weeks following the illness. So what used to be pleasant became very hard and ate a lot more energy out of me.
Then the last couple of weeks things seemed to go back to normal with spankings and impact play in general. It went from “not so much fun” to “neutral” and it is going back more into a pleasant thing again now. Perhaps still not as much as before the illness but still positive… And last week I introduced a new “toy” to my collection: the plasticane
I posted a bit about it there to explain what it is:
http://www.kinktalk.com/talk/showpost.php?p=3451&postcount=10
Someone on another site had suggested me to try this as a substitute for a cane. On Easter, Merlin had told me to find something new for spankings and well… I knew exactly what to pick To be honest, it’s not my favorite implement for spankings. At least pain-wise. With this thing the pain is quite higher and also different from the stuff I’ve used so far (belts, wooden spoons, brushes…) It stings a lot more and takes less shots before the pain gets bad. The feeling of it seemed to last longer too. It was kind of a burning sensation and the first time I found this long-lasting burning quite irritating. But the “plasticane” is one of those things… I don’t like it (but can’t say I hate it either) but I like doing it O_O
I know that only a few weeks before I would have never been able to go through with it, especially when I was still hypersensible :S So this experience has had the positive effect of boosting my confidence about such tasks. Another benefit: the bruises! ^-^ It had been such a looong time since I had some! The funny thing is that right after the plasticaning (I love saying this hehe) I was absolutely positively sure I would get some the next day. Then when I woke up, the first time I checked I saw nothing!! >:-C But a bit later when going to the bathroom I realized that I had a few ones and one that was definitely positively purple! Woohoo! So it was worth the bad burning sensation from the previous night.
Another thing I’m quite happy about is that I have right next to me 7 pages of hand-written notes for a next blog entry ^-^ All I will need now is the time and will to start typing. Not sure when I’m gonna do it because I still got to sort my clothes and I want to go out with my son this weekend but I definitely don’t want this to sit for too long so I will surely start writing it perhaps during evenings so I can post it either this weekend or at the beginning of next week.
Well, I think that’s it for now… I was gonna say at the beginning of this entry I was gonna keep it short but I didn’t… Now I know why
To be perfectly honest, I feel like I have to… I’ve been feeling like that about everything… Before I became ill and the re-start I was pretty much well-organized and everything was clearly defined. But for the last couple of months it’s been very hard for me to get my motivation back. Not just about submission but pretty much everything else. Too often I end up feeling like I’ve done nothing constructive… I even find myself sitting, wondering what to do, in which order to do these things, only to end up sitting and waiting and sighing… and nothing happens… I hate that! I feel like a lazy dead-weight when this happens.
Last week I tried to make a short list of priorities; things that I wanted to be done within the week to, at least, feel like I’m not wasting my time and try to get back on track. I was feeling more calm and my thoughts in general were a bit clearer. Aside from one thing, I managed to get everything done by friday. I was supposed to sort my clothes because there are stuff I don’t want anymore and needed to make some pics of a few new things I have so Merlin could re-start pickiing my clothes and that my clothing rule would be back. I haven’t done that… I was supposed to start with it last weekend but some family came to visit so I got less time than I had planned :-/ I finally started with this yesterday…
But aside from it I was able to get everything else done. The last thing on my list was that last blog entry… While in the middle of writing it I started to feel blah again… It was really the first time that I didn’t feel 100% happy about that restart… Writing down the rules, of course, only made me realize how much of a stepback it has been compared to where I was before. It’s not so much about the amount… but I know what effect it’s had on me not being able to keep up any longer during and after the illness… Having to stop most of them didn’t only had positive effects and I’m pretty sure it has been one of the reason for being so numb and disorganized as of late… And as for the rest: the likes, dislikes, limits and stuff… most of it is so blurry right now that making a list of them was a real headache… A few weeks ago I updated my checklist and it was the same damn thing: for many things I have no clue what to think… But I think it has also to do about the fact that I have a really odd “love/hate relationship” with my dislikes in general… Well about my likes too… So I’m still at a point where I’m not quite sure so I was feeling it was a bit useless while writing it. Well, at least, I know my limits are still clear though… so I guess I’m not completely crazy yet…
Like I mentioned in my previous entries: it’s not just the rules that I have had to restart. But with tasks as well. Having to restart with everything at a lower level also has its upside and downside… In general, I’m a lot calmer and relaxed… but it’s also hard because I have no way to “see” how I’m progressing at the moment, at least in general… And the frequency of those has been significantly less than it used to be for a number of reasons… I think one of the main reason is because Merlin needs to think about how to approach certain things differently since the new start. And that he also wants to let me think about it as well and not rush into stuff… Which is fair enough. But, yet again, I’m left with mixed feelings about that too :-/ Sometimes I’m happy to have this “time off”, some other times I feel useless a bit and think that if I didn’t have so much problems with some tasks before it would not have happened and some other times I just feel ignored and as if I was punished and I think I probably deserve it…
So yeah, everything’s quite blurry right now including how I feel in general… I don’t feel bad. In general, the past few weeks I was actually more calm and neutral. I think I mostly worry about how things are gonna work and if I’m really on the right path because I don’t want to stay at the level I’m at right now for too long…
There are a couple of things I definitely know I’m happy about though ^-^ One of them is spankings. After my illness, when I was to spank myself I started hated it. Really! This was really strange because it used to rank high among my favorites… I was hating it for 2 reasons. One being because… it was one of my favorite things… >.< Then I was hating everything I used to like… I could spend an entire blog entry about that but it has mostly to do with what I was talking about earlier about my love/hate thing for my likes & dislikes… I was increasingly frustrated and annoyed that it was one of the few things I never had problems with and started to think I was only good to spank myself. The other reason being purely physical: I was not able to take nearly as much as I used to because I was left hypersensible in the weeks following the illness. So what used to be pleasant became very hard and ate a lot more energy out of me.
Then the last couple of weeks things seemed to go back to normal with spankings and impact play in general. It went from “not so much fun” to “neutral” and it is going back more into a pleasant thing again now. Perhaps still not as much as before the illness but still positive… And last week I introduced a new “toy” to my collection: the plasticane
I posted a bit about it there to explain what it is: http://www.kinktalk.com/talk/showpost.php?p=3451&postcount=10
Someone on another site had suggested me to try this as a substitute for a cane. On Easter, Merlin had told me to find something new for spankings and well… I knew exactly what to pick
To be honest, it’s not my favorite implement for spankings. At least pain-wise. With this thing the pain is quite higher and also different from the stuff I’ve used so far (belts, wooden spoons, brushes…) It stings a lot more and takes less shots before the pain gets bad. The feeling of it seemed to last longer too. It was kind of a burning sensation and the first time I found this long-lasting burning quite irritating. But the “plasticane” is one of those things… I don’t like it (but can’t say I hate it either) but I like doing it O_OI know that only a few weeks before I would have never been able to go through with it, especially when I was still hypersensible :S So this experience has had the positive effect of boosting my confidence about such tasks. Another benefit: the bruises! ^-^ It had been such a looong time since I had some! The funny thing is that right after the plasticaning (I love saying this hehe) I was absolutely positively sure I would get some the next day. Then when I woke up, the first time I checked I saw nothing!! >:-C But a bit later when going to the bathroom I realized that I had a few ones and one that was definitely positively purple! Woohoo!
So it was worth the bad burning sensation from the previous night.Another thing I’m quite happy about is that I have right next to me 7 pages of hand-written notes for a next blog entry ^-^ All I will need now is the time and will to start typing. Not sure when I’m gonna do it because I still got to sort my clothes and I want to go out with my son this weekend but I definitely don’t want this to sit for too long so I will surely start writing it perhaps during evenings so I can post it either this weekend or at the beginning of next week.
Well, I think that’s it for now… I was gonna say at the beginning of this entry I was gonna keep it short but I didn’t… Now I know why
