I am a fat girl.
This is a universal truth. I have been most of my life, I was a fat baby, a thin toddler, and a fat kid. I don't skinny dip, I chunky dunk.
Being overweight most of my life, I have been subject to a great deal of ridicule. One expects it from other kids, strangers, etc...one doesn't expect it from one's family. Yet those were the people who were the most cruel.
So I grew up knowing that I was fat, unappealing, unwanted, unlovable. Boys reaffirmed this, even through college; I was fun to talk to and hang out; I was expected to be easy because, as a fat girl, I was obviously desperate for attention. I wasn't good enough to date, or be seen with. I wasn't good enough for them to be proud of, to show off. I wasn't good enough to love.
I allowed myself to fade into the background because I believed those boys, I believe those relatives, I believe society and the media and everyone who ever told me that I deserved a shadow life because of my weight.
When I joined Fet in October, and I was reluctant to post a profile photo. I didn't want any photographs of myself up where others could see, to have my unattractiveness confirmed again. But, I braved a portrait and received positive feedback. So I posted another, and again, more positive feedback. I was surprised.
Not long after I met my Dominant, Sir Aaron. By this time I was posting one new image of me a day, being brave, receiving encouraging words from friends on there that one day I would post a photo of me topless (which I did not think was going to happen!).
He was charming and flirtatious and made it perfectly clear that He wanted me as His submissive. He was persistent. I was His before I realized it.
Shortly after beginning our D/s, I had to send Him a photograph on my knees, nude.
It was nerve wracking. I just knew--knew--He was going to be disappointed. First nude photo, ever sent to anyone. (He wasn't, which was another surprise.)
Then there came the request I was worried about: the full length nude. I didn't want to do it. Show Him my breasts? Sure. My vagina, spread open and wet for Him? No problem. Me standing, completely naked? shudders
I stood in front of the mirror and examined my nude form. All the stretch marks, the blemishes, the rolls and unsightly imperfections. My abdomen, which hangs way down. I couldn't imagine how anyone would want to see that.
But I did it. I took the photo.
Aaaaand.... hesitated. Sir wanted it immediately (He can be rather impatient), but I still couldn't bring myself to send it. This was something that felt more deeply personal than any others I had sent Him thus far.
So I struggled, bit my lip. I glared at my naked reflection in the mirror. I stared down at the photograph I had taken and screwed up my courage. I sent it. I figured it was now or never; it was early enough in the relationship that if He decided I wasn't good enough, I wouldn't be devastated. Hurt yes, but I wasn't too attached yet. If He wanted to turn tail and run, I'd be fine.
Afterward, I informed Sir of how nervous I had been about sending it. Then He said something that changed everything for me:
"My slave you are beautiful and sexy do not feel shy about your body"
I cried.
Yes, I actually cried. I was astounded.
To be honest, I still struggle with that. Each time Sir requires me to send Him a full nude, I panic a little, I cringe a little. I can't see why He would want more nude photos of me, but He does. Each time it becomes just a little bit easier.
Maybe one day I will be able to see myself the way my Master sees me
This is a universal truth. I have been most of my life, I was a fat baby, a thin toddler, and a fat kid. I don't skinny dip, I chunky dunk.
Being overweight most of my life, I have been subject to a great deal of ridicule. One expects it from other kids, strangers, etc...one doesn't expect it from one's family. Yet those were the people who were the most cruel.
So I grew up knowing that I was fat, unappealing, unwanted, unlovable. Boys reaffirmed this, even through college; I was fun to talk to and hang out; I was expected to be easy because, as a fat girl, I was obviously desperate for attention. I wasn't good enough to date, or be seen with. I wasn't good enough for them to be proud of, to show off. I wasn't good enough to love.
I allowed myself to fade into the background because I believed those boys, I believe those relatives, I believe society and the media and everyone who ever told me that I deserved a shadow life because of my weight.
When I joined Fet in October, and I was reluctant to post a profile photo. I didn't want any photographs of myself up where others could see, to have my unattractiveness confirmed again. But, I braved a portrait and received positive feedback. So I posted another, and again, more positive feedback. I was surprised.
Not long after I met my Dominant, Sir Aaron. By this time I was posting one new image of me a day, being brave, receiving encouraging words from friends on there that one day I would post a photo of me topless (which I did not think was going to happen!).
He was charming and flirtatious and made it perfectly clear that He wanted me as His submissive. He was persistent. I was His before I realized it.
Shortly after beginning our D/s, I had to send Him a photograph on my knees, nude.
It was nerve wracking. I just knew--knew--He was going to be disappointed. First nude photo, ever sent to anyone. (He wasn't, which was another surprise.)
Then there came the request I was worried about: the full length nude. I didn't want to do it. Show Him my breasts? Sure. My vagina, spread open and wet for Him? No problem. Me standing, completely naked? shudders
I stood in front of the mirror and examined my nude form. All the stretch marks, the blemishes, the rolls and unsightly imperfections. My abdomen, which hangs way down. I couldn't imagine how anyone would want to see that.
But I did it. I took the photo.
Aaaaand.... hesitated. Sir wanted it immediately (He can be rather impatient), but I still couldn't bring myself to send it. This was something that felt more deeply personal than any others I had sent Him thus far.
So I struggled, bit my lip. I glared at my naked reflection in the mirror. I stared down at the photograph I had taken and screwed up my courage. I sent it. I figured it was now or never; it was early enough in the relationship that if He decided I wasn't good enough, I wouldn't be devastated. Hurt yes, but I wasn't too attached yet. If He wanted to turn tail and run, I'd be fine.
Afterward, I informed Sir of how nervous I had been about sending it. Then He said something that changed everything for me:
"My slave you are beautiful and sexy do not feel shy about your body"
I cried.
Yes, I actually cried. I was astounded.
To be honest, I still struggle with that. Each time Sir requires me to send Him a full nude, I panic a little, I cringe a little. I can't see why He would want more nude photos of me, but He does. Each time it becomes just a little bit easier.
Maybe one day I will be able to see myself the way my Master sees me
