Why doms fail.

Doctor Pervert

Retired
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May 19, 2013
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The is gonna be a bit of a rant, so grab a fresh beverage and settle in.

In the last few weeks I've had to intervene a half dozen times in situations where members here, all sub females have been harassed, blackmailed, put in awkward and distressing situations and generally not given the respect they are entitled to.

The culprits in most cases were doms acting like arrogant, entitled assholes. "But whats the problem?" I hear them squawk. "Doms are boss, we do what we want and them lowly subs do as we tell them!"

Sigh.... Really?

Where do I begin? At the beginning I guess.
  • Problem one. When you sign up here you have to pick an orientation and it seems that some of the guys that pick Dominant think that means that's all it takes to become a dominant. Tick the box, put the hat on. Done.
  • Problem two. Having trouble getting girls, not even getting to first base so spend lots of time watching porn and stumble across bdsm porn. What's this? Find a submissive, tie her up and choke the shit out of her, I can do that. Girl problem solved.
  • Problem three. After lurking around Kink Talk for all of 11 seconds spots a post from a sub asking for ideas for tasks. "Oh cool, she doesn't need tasks, she needs me!" Fires off a dm totally ignoring the post, "Hey bitch, on ur knees and lick my toe jam, I own you!" Of course it's not usually that polite...
  • Problem four. Even worse a submissive writes a deeply heartfelt post on an important topic, and (this one is male subs at fault as well) drops the response "whats ur kik?" or some variation on this dribble. That's exactly not the response she wants.
  • Problem five. The passive aggressive dom targeting a sub who posts a lot with the "You need someone to protect you, I'll look after you, you know you really do need an owner right?" routine. Trying to terrify a sub that they must bow down to this predator.
  • Problem six. Fuck, you're kidding me, there's more?
  • Problem six still. Predatory jumping on brand new subs talking about rape or blackmail or other extreme non consensual themes. Newbies who do not know what they are saying or doing need guidance not you jumping on their ass then blackmailing them for real and scaring the living shit out them.
And gahhhhh.
There's more but the point is this, no one wins when this shit happens. The subs certainly are not happy, this is not what they signed up for. The doms, for the most part lose too, they scare off the subs and get nowhere. This then rebounds onto other doms, who may come across one of these confused, scared or traumatized subs and have to try to debrief and explain how wrong their experience had been.
A lot of this is ignorance or inexperience but there's also way too much predatory behavior, attempted poaching of subs who are happily doing their own thing. Just clicking around to find "female", "submissive" (or slave) then pounce on them with some aggressive dm ignoring everything else.
No one is your sub until they decide they are, you do not demand this and if you try you come off as a fool. Respect begets respect, start out by learning what being dominant is actually about and you'll soon see why this matters so much.

Lately another more insidious behavior has also come to my attention. In this scenario the dom looks for subs who are actively posting and attempts to create the impression that their behavior is in some way putting them at risk. The rhetoric intensifies as they attempt to instill fear while at the same time suggesting (or demanding) the sub should cease communicating with anyone else and become theirs. Most often the first tactic is to want to move discussion to another platform like kik or one of the chat platforms. Now while this is quite common and in most cases benign in this situation the accompanying instruction is to stop all interaction here.
This kind of possessive capture prevents the sub from being able to cross check on what's happening by discussing the situation with others.

Yep, in full on rant mode now.

Doms fail because, being angry, depressed or pissed off that you can't get a girl is NOT being a dom, it's being an asshole. Doms fail because thinking anyone with submissive in their profile means they will do whatever you say. Doms fail because watching bdsm porn is not educating yourself. Doms fail when they treat subs with no respect for their stated wants and needs. Doms fail because they are in too much of hurry and don't fucking read!!!
In short doms fail because they are not fucking doms at all.

You can put on the hat, you can tick the box, you can shout it from the rooftops, but if don't behave like a dom, if you don't understand the responsibility and mutual respect required then you're not one. Being a dom is not a way to let off steam and vent your anger, it requires a calm and clear head. The subs here are not targets, they are not your prey. They are people, real people with feelings and emotions and everyday problems. Most of the subs I know are tough, they can take stuff most people would run away from. They can be brave, putting themselves on display, nothing hidden, that takes real confidence and courage. They take pain, they take insults and being degraded, they take instructions, they want to please more than anything. They deserve respect.

Until you can understand that being submissive is not weakness, it's their strength you will continue to fail, this is why doms fail.
 
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subzzzero

Kink Talk Guru
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Dec 6, 2015
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This then rebounds onto other doms, who may come across one of these confused, scared or traumatized subs and have to try to debrief and explain how wrong their experience had been.
I end up doing this with so many subs. Way too many to even count. I’d estimate platonically in the hundreds each year. It feels great knowing I’ve helped someone see the light of things and set them up for better future success. But damn it’s some brutal things they’ve experienced at times.

I might come across as an asshole on here with addressing “dom’s” posts. But I’d much prefer someone get pissed and a sub maybe catch a near miss and learn before getting trapped up by a shitty guy.
 

subzzzero

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And here’s a fine example of someone who doesnt pay attention and just cold messages seeking what they want. Apparently a “master”. This was private message to me who clearly identifies as straight male Dom. 🤣
 

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c0cktunnel

--Verified Pig--
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May 26, 2023
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Thank you for posting this, Sir. It means a lot to me as a submissive female user who has dealt with this.

Even for experienced subs, it can be difficult to remember to have self- respect when your dms are flooded with inexperienced or disrespectful dom/mes making irrational demands or acting intimidating and entitled. D/S relationships aren't built on just one person being dominant and one being submissive— they're built on mutual understanding and respect. Respecting the humanity, needs, likes, and limits of a sub is really important to being able to maintain a mutually beneficial and enjoyable d/s relationship with someone and ensure you're never crossing the line into actual dangerous or uncomfortable situations. There's a time and a place for just about everything; I think most people just need to learn to read the room.
 

Puppy love 1

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Dam i love this post i love how you have tool so much time in to explaining everything always believe

The sub is always in control because they have the power to stop the play at anytime

The sub just give the dom permission to play with the sub but if the dom goes to far then that power can be stripped

The post i see on here are amazing and have helped me grow so much over the years

I appreciate everything you have said on here

Thanks for your time and effort :D <3
 

Penelopeness23

Kink Talk Member
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Dec 25, 2023
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Philippines
Thank you a lot for this. My almost dom repeatedly told me a lot of things similar to this or much worse and since I'm quite gullible i ended up being so confused and bothered that i couldn't fulfill his desires. Also encountered a lot of doms that go full "rawr I'm a dom" in kik and i feel bad for not replying but after reading this I'm glad i have the right to ignore them. Thank you so much Doc 💕
 

Madmaster

Kinky Newbie
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Sep 2, 2016
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It's kind of posts that everyone should read. As a sub , I have dealt with these issues many times and believe me that's really annoying.
A sub need a dom who can trust him/her and communicate with. A person who sub could count on him/her. Being dom doesn't mean being bully. Remember that a sub won't respect you as a dom unless you show that you deserve it.
Another thing is submitting to someone is a massive show of trust. And that person is trusting you to not just "play" but also keep them safe being that some subs see Dom's as a safe place to get away from the reality of life. what's the point in even trying to claim being a dom if you don't listen to there needs/wants/limits ignoring shit like that's just sadistic at best
And nurse doc and zero you lot have the best insight into anything here love reading your posts

Sorry for my first rant sounded better in my head
 

PoshTotty

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This is such a great threat. As a sub I will do absolutely anything for the right dom, and I'm pleased to say in my relatively short time on here I have 'met' some truly respectful doms who know how to treat a woman.

Taking some time to get to know me and discover my boundaries is much appreciated. But the moment those boundaries are disrespected I'll metaphorically rip your balls off - because even the most submissive subs have limits and an inner strength, as mentioned above, like you've never experienced!

Thank you Doctor Pervert and Subzzero. Well said.

PT
x
 

Aurora D

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Yesssssss your rant is spot on I've been saying this on many sights
Hard when Doms like that thank you
For helping subs
 

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