Coming to terms with the lifestyle

[Relucantly_Me]

Hello everyone,
I'm new to this forum and BDSM in general, please feel free to move or even delete this if I put it in the wrong spot or did it wrong.
I guess I'm just reaching out to other people in the community who will understand me, I feel so judged by society, and by friends and family, and it almost makes me hate myself. Having a deviancy that is described by textbooks I read in my courses as a sexual disorder makes it even harder. I know I didn't choose to be the way I am, I believe I was either born as a submissive or grew up to become one unintentionally. And as much as it is something I would love to openly embrace about myself, despite of the causes, this isn't something I would want to "fix", it's who I am, a repressed part of me, so much so that I really just end up hating myself. Guys I date think I'm a freak when they find out or I end up being extremely unfulfilled sexually, and guys who are involved in the lifestyle find me to be disobedient and new to the world of BDSM. I just don't feel good enough either way. I don't know if these are common feelings to have, so I thought I would come to people who know far more.

 

[bidomguy94]

What you're going through is normal and healthy and it's important as you find out who you are as a person. Don't be discouraged by what people say and think as they don't know the lifestyle and therefore cannot judge.
Take your time when exploring (theres no rush) and remember to build trust first, so you're confident with who and what you're getting yourself into) x

 

[Mistress V]

yep.

This lifestyle certainly isn't for everyone, especially not for people who don't even care to look at the actual lifestyle and just think "oh, that's not normal so it's (insert bullshit argument here) and it's (insert quote from 50 shades of gay)." We in the bdsm community are one of the most open minded people. (Excluding the "masters" with a 20 inch penis with 30 years of experience who think everyone should be their playtoy).

Honestly, just be who you are. If you don't fit in then that's fine. Maybe in a few years down the line you have a master or mistress who actually makes you happy and content.

If you ever want advice on any issue just Kik me. People should help each other out. Especially when there are idiots everywhere.

V.

 

[Doctor Pervert]

Hi and thank you for an interesting post and introduction, thanks also to those members that have responded so far.
BDSM is no longer considered a deviant disorder by most in the physiological community and is mostly described as a sexual preference now. That said is it is still generally frowned upon in the vanilla world and many still call us perverts!
Happily I am proud of being a pervert and revel in my deviance, of course it is still difficult to discuss with family and friends and your experience with vanilla boyfriends almost certainly will be familiar to many here.
It is encouraging that you have retained the faith in your submissive side being ingrained and part of your personality, it is not something to be ashamed of in any way. As with any discrimination the problem is with those doing the discriminating.
Hopefully here you can find find a few kindred spirits to discuss things with and find some friends.

 

[WalkingWholockian]

It took me a while for my boyfriend to accept my kinks (he was extremely new to sex in general) he used to get almost angry thinking about how I liked being played with a bit roughly and being submissive and he even thought kinky sex was only for unhappily married old couples.

Only recently has he opened his mind to it and began to embrace being more dominant (it's awkward cause we are both inexpreienced but it's so fun ^.^) he used to think that being submissive I would be treated as lower than him and he said he could never treat me that way. But now he's understanding that just because he is dominant doesn't mean we're not equal (at least for us, it's give and take. He gives me pleasure and I do as he pleases ;P) it's amazing haha

What I find is a shame that those you have found in the community were so closed minded and unwilling to help you learn more about the lifestyle. Well that is just what I got from what little you said, I could be way wrong but I'm gonna continue this anyway: You don't have to be a robot/perfect sub or even heavy into the lifestyle to still be a valuable part of it (granted I understand some Dom/sub couples may just not work because of differences in BDSM-ness) My boyfriend and I would probably be considered fairly vanilla in general and kinda pick and choose from the BDSM lifestyle and from different kinks (we are into many things but not really heavy into any one thing) but I still consider us as part of the community. Okay, rant over. Sorry for that haha just felt I needed to get that out >.<

 

[EliaBlack]

I think I know how you feel. I'm definitely submissive, but I also am very rebellious and stubborn. This leaves me in the difficult position of being seen as a freak by vanilla people and as a "fake sub" by the BDSM community. Just know that you're not alone. There are tons of subs like you. We don't all like being gagged and called whores or whatever, even though that's what a lot of "doms" like to think.

As for vanilla people judging us, I blame traditionalist society. People have this belief, even if it's subconscious, that anything outside of missionary position is wrong and can't be part of a loving relationship. You certainly don't have a disorder. I'm trying to increase awareness of the "normal" non-extreme BDSM community through my writing. Someday we'll get there.

 

[WalkingWholockian]

Absolutely agree with EliaBlack ^^^

 

[Lovingeden]

im the same...im just learning about all of this as well...im fortunate in that i dont necessarily care what others think because im a harsh enough judge of myself that i probably say and think worse than they do anyways....but the further i look into it the more i feel confident enough to say that i am indeed a submissive....i just happen to be very strong willed and that i think has stemmed from how ive been treated my entire life...ive had to rely wholly on myself andno one else and have had to learn to try to be strong alone....i have a hard time with the idea of certain aspets of some dom/sub relationships beause of this mindset and they make me feel like im viewed as less of a person than my dom would be....as im only learning about these things now i certainly have no physical experience to teach me one way or the other but from what has been explained to me it is possible to find a dom that wuold be ok comprimising with some of those things...and of course i might have to compromise as well.
on a side note, i know its easier said than done and i know its difficult wanting to beloong somewhere and feeling like you dont have a home anyhere....but theonly opinion that should ever matter is your own. only you can decide whats good for you and what makes you happy....a dom might help you to discover other things that you need that you never knew you needed...but in the end its always up to what makes you happy. from what ive seen the only doms that call someone a fake sub are probably fake doms that cant handle a wilder spirit.....i read a post from another woman last night that said a lot of other doms tell her dom that she isnt submissive enough. his response was she is to me. because he was strong enough and confident enough in himself to make her safe enough to be willing to submit...and i think that is sexy as hell embrace your spirit because if you deny that to be the perfect sub....it will be the same as pretending youre vanilla and you wont be happy either way.

 

[Don_S]

Feeling like you're a weirdo or freak is normal. Society fucked up our freedoms in many ways. We are all freaks and weirdos. The kinky ones are the best people anyway.