Hey All
I'm 29 years old, and havent really had much of a chance to explore human sexuality due to serious sexual anxiety. A direct result of childhood abuse, as a result i've spent the better part of the past 10 years in long term commited... very vanilla relationships. None of my ex's were really willing to explore anything beyond the traditional vanilla lifestyle. As a result i havent really been satisified, combine that with a VERY HIGH sex drive and its a recpipe for disaster. Fortunately, i am unable to cheat so that has never been an option for me.
After my last LTR, I promised myself I would just grant myself permission to explore/experience/see whats out there. I met someone who introduced me to the community, and it was an absolutely freeing/liberating experience. It took me a while but I finally found a way I can explore my sexuality and put my anxieties aside, there is more things I can do than just straight sex this way. To top matters even further her sex drive is equal to mine so we are a match in that regard. With her I found this to be the perfect opportunity as the best way to explore is with someone you are comfortable with and can experience/learn together.
With that being said, she told me shes new to the scene as well and is open to explore every aspect of the community. We also established the dom/sub dynamic. When we talked about the wants that she wants to explore she got an absolutely ok by me. I'm a try everything once kind of guy, i still need to learn my limits and what i like/dont like. no better way to gain that experience than to explore it.
Now heres the first catch:
When it came to my wants/list. I noticed she started taking options off the table almost right away with no discussion as to why. the more i pressed the matter, the more I found out that she had already done these things. Still we never really talked about our sexual history as its in the past and none of our concern. Things moved along and i was checking things off her list, still nothing off mine but the relationship progressed to the point that I presented her with a collar.
Than we talked about our sexual history.
It turns out that she had lied to me and mislead me completely. She has a very, very, very, very promiscuous past. I found out that she is bisexual, she has been collared once before, she has pretty well experienced everything the community has to offer, with both men and woman. I asked how many threesomes she's had and she said 3 or 4 that were ffm, and about a dozen that were fff. I asked her if she's willing to explore the option with me and before the sentance even left my mouth she flatout told me no. Shes also visited several local swingers clubs, and has a history of meeting men online for one night stands, as well as one nighters with friends/randoms at the bar, im sure youre getting the idea.
Ive tried several times to have an open discussion with her about this, and shes just not open to discuss anything. She is very protective and defensive about her sexual history. I know its none of my business and doesnt concern me because its in the past and doesnt apply to me. I get that completely.
What upsets me is the fact that she lied to me/mislead me about her experiences, and 75% of my wants for exploration are just off the table without even so much as a discussion. It absolutely bothers me that she goes and has threesomes with random men without even so much as a discussion (she mentioned to me that they just happened. to many drinks and oops) but with the man that collared her, that she says she loves its a flatout no, no discussion.
She doesnt realize my serious need/want to explore/experience. I even tried to bring up the idea of an open/poly relationship and again, before the sentance left my mouth she shot it down.
So i'm sitting here very frustrated.
Heres the second catch.
She is pregnant with my child. So i have very little options now for what i can do. Leaving her isnt an option, I will never leave the mother of my child stranded and the child fatherless. And abortion isnt an option, im pro life. The relationship is great, perfect. Its just the sexual aspect that im not satisifed with and is frustrating.
My questions are:
Am i being selfish?
and
What can I do?
I'm 29 years old, and havent really had much of a chance to explore human sexuality due to serious sexual anxiety. A direct result of childhood abuse, as a result i've spent the better part of the past 10 years in long term commited... very vanilla relationships. None of my ex's were really willing to explore anything beyond the traditional vanilla lifestyle. As a result i havent really been satisified, combine that with a VERY HIGH sex drive and its a recpipe for disaster. Fortunately, i am unable to cheat so that has never been an option for me.
After my last LTR, I promised myself I would just grant myself permission to explore/experience/see whats out there. I met someone who introduced me to the community, and it was an absolutely freeing/liberating experience. It took me a while but I finally found a way I can explore my sexuality and put my anxieties aside, there is more things I can do than just straight sex this way. To top matters even further her sex drive is equal to mine so we are a match in that regard. With her I found this to be the perfect opportunity as the best way to explore is with someone you are comfortable with and can experience/learn together.
With that being said, she told me shes new to the scene as well and is open to explore every aspect of the community. We also established the dom/sub dynamic. When we talked about the wants that she wants to explore she got an absolutely ok by me. I'm a try everything once kind of guy, i still need to learn my limits and what i like/dont like. no better way to gain that experience than to explore it.
Now heres the first catch:
When it came to my wants/list. I noticed she started taking options off the table almost right away with no discussion as to why. the more i pressed the matter, the more I found out that she had already done these things. Still we never really talked about our sexual history as its in the past and none of our concern. Things moved along and i was checking things off her list, still nothing off mine but the relationship progressed to the point that I presented her with a collar.
Than we talked about our sexual history.
It turns out that she had lied to me and mislead me completely. She has a very, very, very, very promiscuous past. I found out that she is bisexual, she has been collared once before, she has pretty well experienced everything the community has to offer, with both men and woman. I asked how many threesomes she's had and she said 3 or 4 that were ffm, and about a dozen that were fff. I asked her if she's willing to explore the option with me and before the sentance even left my mouth she flatout told me no. Shes also visited several local swingers clubs, and has a history of meeting men online for one night stands, as well as one nighters with friends/randoms at the bar, im sure youre getting the idea.
Ive tried several times to have an open discussion with her about this, and shes just not open to discuss anything. She is very protective and defensive about her sexual history. I know its none of my business and doesnt concern me because its in the past and doesnt apply to me. I get that completely.
What upsets me is the fact that she lied to me/mislead me about her experiences, and 75% of my wants for exploration are just off the table without even so much as a discussion. It absolutely bothers me that she goes and has threesomes with random men without even so much as a discussion (she mentioned to me that they just happened. to many drinks and oops) but with the man that collared her, that she says she loves its a flatout no, no discussion.
She doesnt realize my serious need/want to explore/experience. I even tried to bring up the idea of an open/poly relationship and again, before the sentance left my mouth she shot it down.
So i'm sitting here very frustrated.
Heres the second catch.
She is pregnant with my child. So i have very little options now for what i can do. Leaving her isnt an option, I will never leave the mother of my child stranded and the child fatherless. And abortion isnt an option, im pro life. The relationship is great, perfect. Its just the sexual aspect that im not satisifed with and is frustrating.
My questions are:
Am i being selfish?
and
What can I do?