BooplesnootGrl

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So honestly I came here looking for advice. I have a major conundrum. I have been with the same woman for nearly 8 years (this is NOT a "well I am having second thoughts" post)... We started our relationship as somewhat switch. We both wore collars, however I somehow stupidly agreed to be the dominant.... call it stars struck that my transgender ass found a person to be with (there is some more detail in that but I will not bore you with that stuff)- I guess we were more switch than I knew

ANYWAY! We have been together 8 years. AND WE GOT MARRIED! I am indeed happy with that decision, I love her more than ever. I could not imagine myself being with someone else.
So my conundrum is that for at least 6 years solid I have been the dominant, things have evened out and we are UNFORTUNATELY not practicing anymore (not that I do not want to- no that SHE does not want to). We both crave BDSM, but I... feel I am more the submissive than she is. It has been a slow decline... it is why I feel I fell short as a dominant. I felt more like the submissive.

She has a dominating presence, but at the same time, she has always been the submissive.

I need advice on HOW TO tell her that I am indeed the one who wants to be the submissive... I have always been... envious (dont even really want to use that word but its how I feel) I have always been envious of her wearing the collar. I know in my heart of hearts that I am a submissive, and I do NOT want our relationship to end with me telling her that...

So I ask, does anyone have any advice?
 

subzzzero

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You’re either going to have to chose to drop the kink and go full vanilla.
or just talk to her. Hey I enjoy things with you. I did this role for you because I care. But I cannot do it now etc.

Options
You can always try to find a third to dominate you both.
You can both set days you are the dominant to each other so it’s shared.
Drop the kink altogether
Open relationship where each gets sub role filled by a separate dominant.
 

perpetualsunday

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This may sound like an obvious suggestion, but have you considered just... telling her? If you don't feel comfortable straight up saying "Hey, I know I've been the dominant for years but I actually think I'm a submissive, how do we work this out?", maybe test the waters with something more noncommittal - Asking her if she'd ever consider domming, something like that.

It's up to you how you bring it up, but I'd imagine after 8 years and a wedding together she's not gonna start signing divorce papers over you wanting to be dominated. Communicating your wants and needs is important, especially in a BDSM dynamic, and it can end in a lot of resentment if you just nut up and deal with it instead of being open with her and explaining how you feel. I can't imagine you would be completely unable to find a compromise somewhere that works for both of you if she doesn't want to take up a dominant role.
 

BooplesnootGrl

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You’re either going to have to chose to drop the kink and go full vanilla.
or just talk to her. Hey I enjoy things with you. I did this role for you because I care. But I cannot do it now etc.

Options
You can always try to find a third to dominate you both.
You can both set days you are the dominant to each other so it’s shared.
Drop the kink altogether
Open relationship where each gets sub role filled by a separate dominant.

I cant really drop it. The BDSM lifestyle is an important part of my life, and I know it is hers.

Open relationships or thirds definitely wont work for either of us. Spiritually we are STRICTLY Monogamous. We are not christian or catholic or anything, but our religious ideologies DO dictate that once a commitment of matrimony is made, it is bound forever
 

BooplesnootGrl

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This may sound like an obvious suggestion, but have you considered just... telling her? If you don't feel comfortable straight up saying "Hey, I know I've been the dominant for years but I actually think I'm a submissive, how do we work this out?", maybe test the waters with something more noncommittal - Asking her if she'd ever consider domming, something like that.

It's up to you how you bring it up, but I'd imagine after 8 years and a wedding together she's not gonna start signing divorce papers over you wanting to be dominated. Communicating your wants and needs is important, especially in a BDSM dynamic, and it can end in a lot of resentment if you just nut up and deal with it instead of being open with her and explaining how you feel. I can't imagine you would be completely unable to find a compromise somewhere that works for both of you if she doesn't want to take up a dominant role.
Yeah you are right, I do not think she will divorce me over this.
But as I did say we are strictly monogamous. It is just all so, confusing
 

subzzzero

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I cant really drop it. The BDSM lifestyle is an important part of my life, and I know it is hers.

Open relationships or thirds definitely wont work for either of us. Spiritually we are STRICTLY Monogamous. We are not christian or catholic or anything, but our religious ideologies DO dictate that once a commitment of matrimony is made, it is bound forever
Based on this the best recommendation is switch up frequently. Plan days or weeks where one of you is the dominant side. Then change up to give the other a break. You’re committed happily married and both need kink. That’s the only solution. Talk it out and you’ll both be switch roles. I’d suggest that when you do plan out times for each to carry the role. Leave an open out incase for some reason outside factors the one cannot be in a dominant mindset that day and just be flexible.

Look at this as everything else in your relationship. 50/50. Cleaning house, laundry, cooking, who picks dinners, dishes, bills etc. so you’ll both have to compromise to get what you want and to care for the other side.
 
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BooplesnootGrl

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Jan 13, 2024
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Based on this the best recommendation is switch up frequently. Plan days or weeks where one of you is the dominant side. Then change up to give the other a break. You’re committed happily married and both need kink. That’s the only solution. Talk it out and you’ll both be switch roles. I’d suggest that when you do plan out times for each to carry the role. Leave an open out incase for some reason outside factors the one cannot be in a dominant mindset that day and just be flexible.

Look at this as everything else in your relationship. 50/50. Cleaning house, laundry, cooking, who picks dinners, dishes, bills etc. so you’ll both have to compromise to get what you want and to care for the other side.
Very well put... this is an option that I did not think about but will be going over with her.
 

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