Are safewords necessary? Since I became aware of BDSM, a safeword has always something which I'd thought was necessary, and I didn't know there were different thoughts about it. However, I was recently reading a thread in which it was being argued quite well that it wasn't. Some key points were: A Top should know how far to go with His or Her bottom; Saying "no" firmly should mean "no"; Remembering a safeword can be difficult when playing hard, with adrenaline running, emotions and physical sensations so high. All good points. However, all debatable.
The first for instance, that a Top should know how far to go. First, that only applies to a long term relationship, where the Top knows the bottom absolutely. In that situation, safewords might be done away with, with no negative consequences. But without that complete knowledge of one's partner, which many couples don't have, it can be dangerous.
The second point, that 'no should mean 'no'. Theoretically, yes, it is true. But if every hesitancy, or shake of the head, stopped the play, things would quickly grind to a halt. One of the jobs of the Top is to carefully push the bottom's limits. And don't forget roleplay. Light fear is exhilarating. Having a special word that means 'no for absolute real' means that we can maintain the illusion better. Yes, underneath is it consensual. Yes, the bottom wants it as much as the Top. But the Top is in control, and even though both know if the bottom calls it quits, he or she can end it, it lets said person be able to forget that. Be able to shout 'no, please', even if they don't really mean it, knowing that they won't be listened to.
The third point, that a safeword is hard to remember during intense play. That is a good point, and something that I can't comment on out of experience. But from talking to other's who have, no one I know of has that problem, especially when the safeword is something obvious, such as 'red'.
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Finally, there is one other point. The necessity a safe"word" might be debatable. However, the necessity of a safe"signal", used when the bottom can't speak for some reason, is Not debatable. This is because there is ALWAYS the possibility of unforeseen problems. A leg cramp, a migrane, or even a heart attack. There needs to be a way to communicate those problems should they occur, and if the bottom has a gag in, he or she can't really tell the Top.
Good ideas for this sort of signal that I have heard are, humming Jingle Bells, or something else simple, because it's easy to remember, even in an intense situation.
The first for instance, that a Top should know how far to go. First, that only applies to a long term relationship, where the Top knows the bottom absolutely. In that situation, safewords might be done away with, with no negative consequences. But without that complete knowledge of one's partner, which many couples don't have, it can be dangerous.
The second point, that 'no should mean 'no'. Theoretically, yes, it is true. But if every hesitancy, or shake of the head, stopped the play, things would quickly grind to a halt. One of the jobs of the Top is to carefully push the bottom's limits. And don't forget roleplay. Light fear is exhilarating. Having a special word that means 'no for absolute real' means that we can maintain the illusion better. Yes, underneath is it consensual. Yes, the bottom wants it as much as the Top. But the Top is in control, and even though both know if the bottom calls it quits, he or she can end it, it lets said person be able to forget that. Be able to shout 'no, please', even if they don't really mean it, knowing that they won't be listened to.
The third point, that a safeword is hard to remember during intense play. That is a good point, and something that I can't comment on out of experience. But from talking to other's who have, no one I know of has that problem, especially when the safeword is something obvious, such as 'red'.
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Finally, there is one other point. The necessity a safe"word" might be debatable. However, the necessity of a safe"signal", used when the bottom can't speak for some reason, is Not debatable. This is because there is ALWAYS the possibility of unforeseen problems. A leg cramp, a migrane, or even a heart attack. There needs to be a way to communicate those problems should they occur, and if the bottom has a gag in, he or she can't really tell the Top.
Good ideas for this sort of signal that I have heard are, humming Jingle Bells, or something else simple, because it's easy to remember, even in an intense situation.
