What to do when your partner is tired or stressed from work?

[Fishsticks]

My boyfriend and I have been together two years and for the past seven months he has become submissive to me. He does the chores around our apartment and cooks me dinner every night when he gets home from work. Our arrangement has, for the most part, been great. If he does not complete his chores or make a decent meal he is punished with the cane at the end of the night. This is a true punishment and not one he enjoys by any means. Is he is a good boy he is only spanked with my paddle a little as a reward. I like to see his cute little butt squirm and turn cherry red.

The problem is that sometimes he comes home from work upset or tired and does a poor job at his chores. I still punish him but I feel bad about it. I understand that things happen but I don't know how to allow for it in our lifestyle. Does anyone have tips on dealing with the balance of work and home life in a dominant female relationship?

 

[Blade]

What about a set punishment for avoiding chores? Or what about letting him have the option to goto bed immediatly and skip dinner?

 

[SubMissChievous]

I guess it all depends on what's the arrangement you 2 have & how much stressed or tired he is when he comes back from his work. How about just having a little "How was your day?" talk when he comes back from work? As a sub, my Master asks me this every day I come back from work. It's a good way for him to see how I am doing & if any order would be too much to handle for me at that moment & most of the times, just knowing he cares about it & keeps in mind that it can affect my attitude for the rest of the day usually makes me already more comfortable to go on with my "duties" no matter what happened during my day at work

 

[boundperil]

I have to agree with naughty_chloe. I always ask how my sub is doing, how her day went, anything going on. The other night she came home, told me about her day. We talked all night instead, she was having a rough time with some issues.

At least to me control is only as important as the emotional well being of both partners.

 

[bouncehouse]

A good dom allows no leeway.

 

[SubMissChievous]

A good dom allows no leeway.

It has nothing to do with leeway here It has to do with RL getting in the way of a D/s relationship & the fact is that if a sub is stressed, tired, sad or whatever then consequently the sub is "unproductive". This leads subs to not be able to perform tasks & orders that are usually relatively easy for them. And it creates tension between both partners if it's not taken care of.

I would rather say "a good dom talks & listen to his sub". Those who can't see or ignore their subs' feelings are no good imo. That doesn't take anything away from their dominant side, on the contrary, but enhance it as they prove to be intelligent & sensible as well as being dominant.

Brains + Brawn = Sexy!

 

[Fishsticks]

Brains + Brawn = Sexy!

Thanks for all the great replies. I think I know now how to be both strict and caring.

 

[boundperil]

A good dom allows no leeway.

This isn't a matter of not following commands, this is about ones personal well being. My sub will perform better for me, knowing that I truely do care for her.

 

[kochier]

Usually give her a massage etc.

 

[bouncehouse]

This isn't a matter of not following commands, this is about ones personal well being. My sub will perform better for me, knowing that I truely do care for her.

Then there's your answer.

 

[Dementyia]

I also agree with Bouncehouse and naughty_chloe. Communication is the key to all relationships, regardless of what activities or desires frame said relationship.

While strict and stern is fun, love and trust are the basis for your relationship, and forgoing that trust, that love, for the rules of engagement, as it were, will do no good for your relationship.

I would say that talking about your day is a vital part of any relationship, even when done as a superior Domme to a submissive, that talking, that loving trust can still be expressed thoroughly within the boundaries of your relationship without sacrificing any aspect of your BDSM lifestyle.

The only time I would advocate punishing your subservient for not doing his chores would be if he is doing it purposely, as in trying to get away with something. In that case, a punishment would be required, but that doesn't sound like that is the case for you and yours.

 

[shinningstar]

If I noticed that my man is not in the mood after work, I used to wear my most seductive lingeries. I gave him the best massage in all parts of his body until his dick erected. His erection is one of the best sign that he's on the go.

 

[willyable]

My boyfriend and I have been together two years and for the past seven months he has become submissive to me. He does the chores around our apartment and cooks me dinner every night when he gets home from work. Our arrangement has, for the most part, been great. If he does not complete his chores or make a decent meal he is punished with the cane at the end of the night. This is a true punishment and not one he enjoys by any means. Is he is a good boy he is only spanked with my paddle a little as a reward. I like to see his cute little butt squirm and turn cherry red.

The problem is that sometimes he comes home from work upset or tired and does a poor job at his chores. I still punish him but I feel bad about it. I understand that things happen but I don't know how to allow for it in our lifestyle. Does anyone have tips on dealing with the balance of work and home life in a dominant female relationship?

Even though you have a submissive boyfriend and he allows you to punish him when things aren't done right, don't forget that he still is a man who deals with life outside of what you guys do at home. Take that into consideration.

 

[AlienMindsInc]

You know, here's something I used to do with an ex because we were running into the exact same problem on both his and my end. Inevitably one of us would come home in a bad mood and it would ruin everything for both of us.

Instead of doing 24/7, we got around it by a new rule. 24/7 with days off. We would leave a collar and a leash in a "hidden" but easy to get to place. If I got home first, and didn't have a problem with domming, I'd get the leash and wrap it around my arm, or hand, or hold on to it, pocket... etc. If he came home and didn't have a problem with work/wanted to sub, he'd put on the collar. Usually I'd just take the leash anyway. To keep it more real, there were a certain amount of days we could refuse the collar or leash. We set a limit of 10 days, a month, each. We rarely used that much. To decide if a day counted against that, or was a special case, we discussed it immediately, and reasons for why we were refusing that day. Then, if it wasn't going to happen, we crossed a day off on the calendar in one color for me, a different one for him.

I realize there's "pressure" from people to be a good dom, or a good sub, but nobody is perfect. 24/7 sounds great, but is always a lot of work on both people, and usually you don't just "take a break." As long as you remember that you're both human you should do fine. I'd say give my way a try for a month and see if it's for you.

 

[Momof2]

It sounds like he is worn out from working and doing chores, maybe help him out a little that way he won't be too tired and you both can have fun together.

 

[bra]

What kind of punishment are you doing to him that makes YOU feel bad?? You're giving him HIS favorite then too?

 

[dwayne1477]

Thats a great idea. I think everyone, no matter the lifestyle has those days. But perhaps just asking will honestly help, or come up with punishments thats more fitting, (lighter) on bad days for him.

 

[Lion Daddy]

He's likely insecure about potentially losing the relationship and does not want to risk making his feelings known, I'd consider asking him and perhaps even inquiring if he wants or needs a more gentle dom sometimes. That's my advice as a somewhat experienced dom, and knowing male psychology.

 

[Schadenfreude]

I feel like this is a really good question that inevitably arises in real-life d/s relationships: how to create realistic expectations and deal with the fact that at some point, life gets in the way. You or your sub feel tired, stressed, or just don't feel like it: being a domme or sub isn't always sexy or glamorous. TPE or 24/7 sounds sexy, but it's actually very difficult to pull off. I feel like for most kinky people, 24/7 simply isn't realistic. I would like to throw out three possible things to consider here.

Idea 1: Talk with each other; sit down and re-evaluate. Do you both feel like your current protocol is realistic? Does your boyfriend feel like you're asking too much from him? What might a more realistic protocol be? Some others have mentioned giving tasks based on what it seems your sub can handle at that time. You might find that the rules you use change over time as you figure out what works and what doesn't, and as your season of life changes. I think changing the way you do things in a d/s relationship over time is normal and works as long as you're both on the same page.

Idea 2: I agree with Alien that it might help to give him a limited number of "days off" so to speak. If he feels tired or stressed, he can use one of his days off and you can mark it on the calendar. You might also have "sick leave" that either of you can use: if my sub was sick I wouldn't expect them to be able to complete all the same tasks as usual. Same thing if you were sick: maybe that wouldn't be a good day for you to enforce physical punishments. (You could always save them up for later though!)

Idea 3: Perhaps try working in some time when both of you just get a break and see how it feels. For example, what if you both took a break from your roles once a week, or once a month? Whatever works for you. Perhaps on those days, nobody would do chores and you could eat out or get takeout for dinner. No tasks, no punishments, no responsibilities. D/s relationships can be a ton of work. Luckily, they also don't have to be all or nothing. At the end of the day bdsm is supposed to be fun (or at least I think it is.) If it starts to feel like a burden more than anything else, that's a sign that things needs to change.

I feel like it can be hard to walk that line of being mindful of your sub's needs while not letting them off the hook when submission isn't easy. I hope things work out!

Edit: I just saw that this thread is actually really old. I feel like this is still a great topic to discuss though and am curious to hear about how others have dealt with this issue.