Help - Long term partner rarely has sex w/me & I need kink


Not so kinky
  • Lesbian
  • Female
  • Submissive
Nov 15, 2017
I am a cisgender female and identify as pansexual. I have been with my partner for about 5 years now and she is also a cisgender female. She is an incredible human being and we are deeply in love with one another. In almost every aspect of our relationship, things are pretty amazing. We have been able to communicate with one another and work together when one or both of us are struggling.

The ONE thing we can’t seem to talk about, work on, improve, or however you want to phrase it, is our sexual relationship.

In the beginning, we were in the honeymoon phase so we had sex a few times a week at first. I’m used to the honeymoon phase involving a LOT more sex but I wasn’t bothered by it, especially since my last relationship had been so focused on sex that I didn’t feel like a person sometimes.

I told her early on that I was interested in kink, specifically in bondage and being a sub. She seemed receptive and would tie me up from time to time, albeit not particularly well but I appreciated the effort and told her so (verbally and via more intense orgasms). We went to the sex shop a few times to find her a dildo she liked to use on me and a pair of harness underwear that were comfortable for her. Things seemed to be going in a good direction despite a decrease in sex, but I brushed it off as the honeymoon phase ending.

Maybe 3 or 4 months in, I noticed that the frequency of sex dropped down to maybe once or twice a month, instead of a week. By the time we reached a year in, we would go 2 months or more without sex. Now I’m at a point where I don’t actually remember the last time we had sex. Maybe 4-6 months ago?

Now when we have sex I’m in so much shock and so eager to actually have sex with her that I don’t even try to bring up kink.

At this point, I’ve tried basically everything people would suggest for a vanilla couple, to see if she would at least want to have sex more in general. We’ve tried talking about it many different times in many different ways and she usually gets defensive and will say something hurtful (saying I’m “pining”) or she breaks down and says she feels like she’s not good enough or an asshole and asks if I’m sure I want to be with her (I reassure her that I do but that we need to do something about this whole not-having-sex thing).

As I’ve mentioned, we have been to multiple sex shops together. I’ve had her look at some introductory/informational sites online with me about D/s. We’ve watched porn together which was admittedly uncomfortable. I’ve dressed up in lingerie. I’ve asked her about any fantasies she has and she said she has none and then asked if there was something wrong with her.

She did therapy recently but didn’t bring up sex as far as I know. We did couple’s therapy, but the therapist kept skipping past talking about sex and would focus on things we didn’t really need help with.

I tried to initiate more to see if that would help and she said she felt like she was being pressured and I started to feel hurt after being rejected so frequently and consistently by her.

We agreed to have her initiate instead so that it would take the pressure off and she could go at her own pace, but now it seems like even non-sexual intimate physical contact is scarce.

Very recently, she gave me a non-sensual neck and shoulder massage because I had a headache which is UNHEARD of and I couldn’t stop telling her how much I appreciated it and how great it felt. We spoon when we fall asleep, kiss each other on the lips a couple of times a day (tongue is incredibly rare), hold hands, and hug. All of these things are great, but none of them satisfy my sexual needs. I can only masturbate so much to help with that.

She is very strictly monogamous. I want a monogamous relationship with her in a romantic sense. I am open to exploring a sexual relationship with someone outside of my relationship with my partner (once I’ve done more research and feel more prepared). I am so terrified that talking to her about this will shatter her heart and possibly our relationship, but not talking about not having sex and kink is shattering mine. I know I shouldn’t think this, but not being sexual with my partner makes me feel undesirable, unattractive, and lonely.

I just really, really don’t know what to do. I’ve been trying to do my research and attended a informational/instructive meeting for beginners on safe bondage and knot-tying. I’m beginning to get a feel for the community in my area that’s in my peer group. I’m scared that becoming more informed will only make it more difficult to go with so little sensual and sexual touch/interaction and remain a non-participant in kink despite my deep interest in bondage and being a sub.

I’m sorry this is such a long post. If you’ve made it this far, thank you so so so so much you are absolutely wonderful. I just needed to get this off my chest with some people who could hopefully approach this with less judgement than others in my life.


Kinky Newbie
  • Straight
  • Male
  • Dominant
Dec 6, 2015
First off. Great job on making the effort to communicate with her. Repeatedly as it showed in the post. That's the first step that many overlook. Also it's apparent that you both care for each other as seen by your openness to talk it out experiment and seek outside assistance through the means of counseling.

I would make a few suggestions that you can chose to address as you see fit.
1. Find the root of her lack of sexual desire. Yes it's hard to talk about and yes she got defensive and guilted you into feeling like you were pressuring her in the past talks. But this needs to be cleared up. Help ease her mind by explaining that it affects you similar to her as you feel you're not wanted sexually. She may have a past experience you haven't been aware of that caused it. Or maybe her own self insecurities such as weight age etc. The biggest roadblock in sex is usually a mental one. Does she masturbate alone? If so that could be reasoning for her lack of desire.
2. Find out what roles you're seeking and if it even fits her. By the small post above I assume that you're seeking to take the submissive role in the d/s dynamic. If that's the case you need to be sure she even wants to dominate. It's very difficult for a Natural submissive to be dominant over someone. So that may be part of the issue. If she's not enjoying a dominant role then she may want to avoid it entirely and could be cause for why she's not sexually interested. She knows what you want but if she feels she can't provide that some think it's best they just dodge the opportunity all together.
3. You clearly have a much higher sex drive than her as stated in the honeymoon phase. Then even at its best you said you still could have had more yourself. Everyone enjoys things that are new and as they become common the adventure and spark fades over time. Find ways to spice it up. Mentally she has to be in the mood. Date nights are a good start. Even times set aside clear of electronics and outside influences. Like just an in home movie night. Phones off and sharing a blanket together.
4. Get back to the basics. What originally drew you both to one another. How did you meet. What did you do together. What common interests did you share. Do you still surprise each other daily. Do you always say good morning and goodnight. Do you still set aside time to just have fun.
5. Exploring the lifestyle will only be beneficial if she's open to it. Rope play domination etc. exploring and learning together can be fun. But back to the roles statement I made above. You'll have to ensure you're both enjoying it or it won't last.
6. The hard part. The time will come when you'll have to decide is this a healthy relationship for you. I myself have a hard time keeping a strictly vanilla relationship since I've been in the lifestyle so long. And making myself neglect that part of me eventually just weighs too heavy and I'm no longer happy. You're going to have to sit down and decide where your priorities lie. Either you be happy with what you have and just smash that desire for sexual kink. Or you decide that it's not making either of you happy and you part ways. You can attempt the third party sexual only no romance as you talked about. And it works for the right people sometimes. But more often it ends in jealousy or more than just sexual for the third person. So approach that with caution. Ask yourself if she came to you roles reversed wanting to bring in a strictly sexual third person into mix. Would you be open to it?
Sorry that got so long winded. Hopefully it helps a bit. If you have questions feel free to ask.